Houston's "Worst" Music-Venue Restrooms

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Photos by the Sendejas Family
Lola's ladies' room
I'm not really into "worst" lists. For one, labeling anything the "worst" sounds so negative. This is a music blog. Just as you would after using a restroom, you should walk away feeling better about the few minutes you spent here than worse. Right?

Also, there's a fine and subjective line between something being incredibly rank and that same thing having timeless, endearing character. One man's trashy restroom is another man's urine-caked treasure.

And finally, my experience suggests no 50-year-old beer guzzler should turn his or her nose up at any place that offers sweet relief during a long night out. Still, these water closets could use a makeover.


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Slip Slidin' Away: My Life as a Rock Journalist With the Houston Press

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Photo by Marc Brubaker
The author watching Free Energy at Fitz in 2011.
I had a hernia operation in the early summer of 2006, and had nothing to do all day but hobble around with cool cane a borrowed from Grandpa Hlavaty and play on the Internets for two months or so.

I had developed the injury while working at Domino's, but it was cool because their insurance helped pay for it, and the cool pills that came with the painful surgery.

That summer while trolling around on Craigslist for stray local writing gigs, I saw that then Houston Press music editor John Nova Lomax had put out a call for freelance music writers.

A-ha.


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Happy Birthday GG Allin: 10 SFW Inspirational Quotes From The Poo-Poo Rocker

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wikipedia.org

Note:
This is a rerun of a popular post from Mr. Allin's birthday last year. We'd be remiss in not sharing our some of the outlaw scumbag's best quotes on a day like this.

Today would have been shock-rock icon GG Allin's 56th birthday, making him a senior citizen. But hell, we doubt the man/force of nature would have made to the 21st century, unless he made a radical and annoying left-hand turn into normalcy.

The singer, born Jesus Christ Allin, died on June 28 1993 after a heroin overdose, not quite dying onstage the way he wanted, and was probably supposed to. We wouldn't mind dying while writing or seeing a concert ourselves. He left behind a band, The Murder Junkies, and a brother, Merle, who continue GG's stanky legacy to this day.

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Where Are We Peeing Into A Giant Bowl?

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Craig Hlavaty

Why can't we ever stand up straight at this bar on Thursday nights? We usually hit it up to watch an improv group perform and drink dollar cups of Lone Star out of red cups. Hello, frat house.

The cups get warm too quick, making you just want to double-fist all night.

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Where Are We Peeing And Saying FML?

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Craig Hlavaty

The night Rocks Off stumbled (yes, stumbled) into this bar, we got to sit on a couch by ourselves while four nerds in front of us were playing an RPG together on four laptops, and what looked like two foreign-exchange students made out by candlelight while sitting across from each other.

Life doesn't get much more FML than those 20 minutes we shared with two glasses of red wine and one and half cigarettes. We accidentally flicked the cherry out of our second cig and left the bar in disgust, but not before we got to christen the men's room.

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Where Are We Peeing Next To A Giant Hole?

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Photos by Craig Hlavaty

WAWP has no regard for his health or well-being. We have no children, nor do we have a ball and chain cooking for us or telling us when to say when. The only creed we live by is "How much this will cost us? and "Will it hinder us making it to work on time the next day?" The rest we can handle with the pack of Cottonelle wipes and can of Axe in our back seat.

But we have never been so obliterated that we kicked a hole in a bathroom wall like we saw at this week's bar. Its one thing to bust a beer bottle in the toilet (guilty), bust a beer can on your head (very guilty), or puked until you pass out (sorry, Lisa), but it's another karate kick into a wall. One that looks to be load-bearing at that.

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Where Are We Peeing Between Karaoke Rounds?

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Craig Hlavaty

This two-story Montrose bar is ground zero on Friday nights to sing your heart out, for better or worse. The club's weekly karaoke shindig is one of the most drunk and lively in the city.

Astute Houston drinkers should have already guessed where we are this week, but even so, the story that unfolded the night we visited still bears reading. No doubt you have all been the party to shenanigans such as these.

"Dude, why are you peeing in the sink?" we ask our friend as we line up to the toilet in the men's room at this week's bar.

"I hafta go!" our friend says as he befouls the hand-washing basin with his kidney-filtered liquid.

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Where Are We Peeing, And Talking About Freddy Fender, Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Barbra Streisand And Adam Lambert?

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Craig Hlavaty
So Tuesday night, we found ourselves all by our lonesome at this small bar, coming down off our birthday weekend. It's a cozy little spot with an ample jukebox, plenty of character, and way too much Lone Star.

We sat next to the bar's video poker machine, mainly to rest our head. Prop up the old braincasing for a few minutes before heading home. Sitting next to us was a kindly older Hispanic lady and another man just a few seats down, who were discussing music. In our profession, it's hard to not chime in when someone around you is talking about the recorded music.

"That Gaga is like Barbra Streisand. Those Jews like to make money," said the man at the end of the bar. WAWP and the Mexican Grandma both looked at each other, puzzled.

"I dunno man; she seems more like Madonna than anything else. I didn't even remember she was Jewish," we countered, laughing.

"Yeah man, she's like a new Madonna but she plays with blood and stuff, "says the MXGMA, after a sip of Lone Star.

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Where Are We Peeing (And Buying Possibly Stolen Merchandise)?

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Craig Hlavaty

​Haggard Gentleman: "You ever saw that movie Righteous Kill with Robert De Niro?"

Where Are We Peeing: "Yeah, I guess so. Why?"

 

HG: "You wanna buy it?"

WAWP: "Nah, I'm cool. Thanks though."

HG: "You wanna get fucked up? I have Vicodin and some sherm. You wanna smoke? You want a tape deck?"

 

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Where Are We Is "Grease Monkey" Peeing?

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Photos by Craig Hlavaty

Do you get laid much if you call yourself the "Grease Monkey"? We're not asking to be flippant or funny; we really want to know for real. Does that work even if you are married? Is there a Mrs. Grease Monkey, who washes your greasy clothes and sleeps in the same bed with you every night, falling out onto the floor because the sheets are so slippery? Do you have baby Grease Monkeys? What nationality is Grease Monkey?

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