Just Give Blue Ivy Carter All the VMAs, Please

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MTV
Are we tired of twerking yet?
Sunday night was the billionth year for the MTV Video Music Awards, and only one thing can be taken away from the whole unfunny shebang: just give Blue Ivy Carter all of the VMAs, now and forever, and let's be done with the whole thing. Seriously.

So in case you were wondering (or were smart enough to skip it), the whole show -- from Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda" yawn-fest to Miley Cyrus' well-intentioned but still somehow totally stunt-queen stand-in antics -- was just kinda meh. Everything but Blue of course, but we'll get to that. Here's what happened.

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The 10 Best Songs From True Blood

Categories: TV Party

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For the past seven years, each episode of HBO's True Blood was named after a song, and in those seven years I've watched great tracks come and go. Here's the ten best the show had to offer.


10. Massive Attack, "Paradise Circus"
In Season 3 there's the wonderful visit to a strip club, and this is the song the stripper works to. If you ever find a stripper taking it off to Massive Attack, that girl needs professional help, and it made for a wonderfully weird NSFW moment.


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True Blood: Like a Lead Zeppelin

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There's no other way to say this. True Blood went out weak. Really, really weak.

For almost the entire running time of the finale there was no plot. Nothing was really resolved because there was really nothing left to resolve. For all intents and purposes the supporting cast had been driven away or killed leading up to this, and the only real question was how Vampire Bill was going to die.

Stupidly, that's how.


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True Blood: Your Warpaint Is Running

Categories: TV Party

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Back when I was a big wrestling fan I had a rule; never watch the show before a big pay-per-view. For God's sake, never waste money going to a live show before the PPV.

It's not that it's a ripoff per se. It's just that whatever you're going to see is going to be the last of the beginning of what comes after, you know? It's like the ending of Kill Bill Vol. 1. Everyone who saw that in the theater left their seats with an enormous set of Blue Plot Balls, and often the episode before a season finale is the same.

True Blood is frankly notorious for this sort of thing. In seven years, I cannot name a single episode before the finale that was even passable.


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True Blood: Moby vs. Mopey

Categories: TV Party

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Spoilers ahead in this one. Big spoilers.

As the last season of True Blood comes to a close, it's pretty clear that we're saying goodbye to better aspects of the show the way you say goodbye to a friend who is very sick and is never going to get better.

Well excuse me, because I'm not that guy and I expect the best you have to offer right up until the flatline. True Blood once again underwhelms in its final days.


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True Blood: Dwarves, Rutger Hauer and Roy Orbison

Categories: TV Party

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Some people say that as the universe's entropy speeds us towards the inevitable Big Crunch, the massive amount of forces in play will actually cause bits of reality, space and time to break off from the universe proper and explode beautifully and brightly as the rest of us trudge towards our cold, singularity-based doom.

This week's episode of True Blood was a lot like that.

It was a broken-up series of pretty awesome moments that nonetheless seemed to have no real connection to the narrative. First off, there was a surprise re-appearance on the show by Marcia de Rousse as Dr. Ludwig. Sookie calls the dwarven -- she is actually a dwarf, like in Tolkien, not like in Game of Thrones -- to see what the mystical doctor can do with Bill Compton's mysteriously fast-progressing Hep V.

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Doctor Who's Five Best Recent Pop-Song Parodies

Categories: TV Party

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Whenever I hear that a new song sensation is sweeping the radio waves, I do two things. First, I take a moment to try and remember what radio is and whether or not it matters (spoiler: it doesn't). Second, I wait approximately three to five days for a Doctor Who-inspired version to end up on YouTube.

In this way I manage to experience all the earworminess of modern pop radio without being force to wed them to terrible lyrics by terrible people about terrible things. I just get to go on about my day pretending every song is secretly about The Doctor anyway.

If you're of the same ilk, here are five of the biggest pop hits of the past several years that have been Doctored (I kill me) for a Whovian's tastes.


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True Blood: They Don't Know What "Karma" Means

Categories: TV Party

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Pardon me as I wax spiritually about my brief years as a Buddhist...

Karma is a bit more complicated than people think. You see someone scream at a supermarket cashier and then he or she slips on the way out the door and wipes out? Karma, baby!

No, it's not. Karma is the accumulation of the actions of this life as they affect the next. What you're thinking of is poetic justice, and that's a whole different set of gods.


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True Blood: Flashbacks and Tearjerkers

Categories: TV Party

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Despite some recent stellar showings, it's pretty apparent True Blood is going out in a whisper, not a bang. That's fine. Seven seasons of a vampire show is always going to be a bit much. The last season of Buffy certainly wasn't anything to write home to mom about.

In a more solid season, this week's episode would have be a nice palate-cleanser. It would have served as one of those moments when we sit back and reflect on the characters themselves rather than whatever uber-contrived plot was going on in the background. Such breaks are necessary.

Admittedly, this was an emotional rollercoaster. I was honestly near tears when Andy spontaneously decided to propose to Holly, borrowing Sookie and Jason's grandmother's wedding ring for the task. Chris Bauer has honestly become the most solid performer in the show, able to deliver a unique everyman approach to all the supernatural goings-on that is sometimes lacking. He has nothing but a sense of small-town Southern justice, and it serves him remarkably well.


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True Blood: Life in the Corpse

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I've said it before, and I'll say it again; I expect True Blood to go out harder than a train crash in the third Atlas Shrugged movie. This show exists to justify the phrase "Get out while the getting's good."

And yet.

AAANNNDDD yet...this week was honestly one of my favorite episodes in the show's history. It was really, really good, you guys.


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