The man who is destroying The Today Show?

One of television's longest-running programs, NBC's Today, has recently gone from venerable to vulnerable within the span of about a year. Thanks to more missteps than a line of drunken novice cloggers attempting the Riverdance, the morning show now finds itself routinely rated behind its main competitor, ABC's Good Morning America.

There's plenty of blame for all involved to share. The most blatant offense was Today's producers giving and then almost immediately taking away Ann Curry's co-hosting duties. There's nothing more American than a person who pays his or her dues and earns his or her reward. We collectively love a success story in this country, and there's nothing Americans dislike more than someone having those spoils ripped away moments after they've finally been attained.

In the process, Matt Lauer morphed into Matt Schaub -- the balding, beleaguered quarterback of his team who, fairly or not, gets singled out when the group is on a losing streak.

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Splash's cast, season one

As often as I've been complemented on my taste in music, I've been ridiculed for the horrible television programs I sometimes watch. Case in point: my DVR's arteries were recently clogged with episodes of the ABC celebrity competition, Splash.

For those who may have missed it, Splash was a taped and televised diving contest between B-listers like Nickelodeon child star Drake Bell and Baywatch actress Nicole Eggert. In all, ten people were invited to dive weekly (11 counting Brandi Chastain, the U.S. Women's Soccer player who replaced Chelsea Lately's Chuy Bravo after he was injured before the competition ever started).

Two diving experts scored their efforts, which ranged from "not bad" to "ohmygod, did he or she survive that?" True to the format of these shows, every week one person would be eliminated until a champion was crowned. The season ended with extreme sports-personality Rory Bushfield winning the title.

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This past week, when American Idol concluded its twelfth season by crowning Candice Glover (who edged out Woodville's Kree Harrison), it was also announced that the show's latest lineup of judges is kaput. Randy Jackson went first, followed by Nicki Minaj. We're guessing that leaves Keith Urban and Mariah Carey, unfortunately the least interesting judges, but they've still got time to bail before the next season if they wish.

But, ladies and gentlemen, we can rebuild it. We have the technology. We can just hire more celebrities to fill these empty seats and no one will be the wiser. Ideally, we can even hire new celebrities who would be dramatic, flamboyant, and/or completely off the wall so that this show could get some viewers back.

In light of all this, we've compiled a short list of our favorites to replace Jackson and Minaj for next season that will hopefully make its way to Fox HQ through the power of the internets.

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Seth Meyers

This past Sunday, NBC announced that Seth Meyers will officially take over as the host of Late Night, when Jimmy Fallon succeeds Jay Leno as host of The Tonight Show in early 2014. But with Meyers set to inherit a show with a tradition of turning talk-show hosts into late-night greats (David Letterman and Conan O'Brien precede Fallon), the real question is, who will take over for The Roots?

It might seem like a silly question, but historically speaking, The Roots are the first real band to ever be asked to become a house band. Not only that, but the critically acclaimed group has garnered just as much (if not more) success as Fallon, and often times share the spotlight with both the host and the show's guests.

While Meyers has yet to say whom his house band will be -- or if there will indeed be one at all -- Rocks Off is already brainstorming names for who could possibly replace one of the coolest house bands in late-night history.

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Last week I looked at some of the worst musical guests on The Simpsons, a show almost as well-known for the appearance of musicians as Saturday Night Live, though with a hit -or-miss success rate since they can't just have the musicians come on and perform their songs.

Rewind:

The Five Worst Musical Guests In Simpsons History

This week, I wanted to take a look at the opposite end of the spectrum with some of the best to ever appear on South Park.

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Arsenio Hall and Snoop Doggy Dogg in 1994

Woof woof woof woof woof.

Get used to that, 'cause Arsenio is back. Nearly two decades after The Arsenio Hall Show disappeared from TV's late-night landscape following a five-year run, the man himself is being recalled to duty by CBS's syndicated-programming wing. The new Arsenio debuts in the fall, reportedly in an early-late-night slot like 9 or 10 p.m. Houston time. (Check your local listings.)

How? Why? I don't care. This is excellent news for '90s nostalgists. The original Arsenio was the first late-night talk show aimed at young people, and the show got creative with its guests. You were as apt to see Hall interviewing "Macho Man" Randy Savage as you were to find an entire episode devoted to humoring Louis Farrakhan. The musical guests were even better.

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One of these people could pick your hopes of a singing career apart.

This just came in over the transom. Popular NBC singing show The Voice will hold auditions for its upcoming season next Saturday at Reliant Center next Saturday, February 9. All musical styles are being sought, so all you polka-loving kids, now's your chance!

Further details, per the NBC Universal release:

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Fox/americanidol.com

The new season of American Idol's judges (L-R): Mariah Carey, Keith Urban, Nicki Minaj and Randy Jackson

If you can believe it, American Idol kicks off its twelfth season tonight on Fox. But not just on Fox. Here is how One India Entertainment, "India's No. 1 Language Portal," announced the news at 18:03 IST (India Standard Time) today:

MUMBAI: After the successful run of The X Factor USA while cashing in on the post-digitization opportunities among English GECs, BIG CBS LOVE, the leading English GEC amongst elite urban women, is all set to air the 12th season of the world's most loved singing reality show, American Idol, concurrent with the U.S. (GEC = "General Entertainment Channel")

Like one of its main ("presenting") sponsors, Coca-Cola, Idol has become one of the leading exports of American culture around the world. The culture it is exporting is not pop music, but one of runaway cross-platform integration, relentless branding and fully integrated corporate/media partnerships. Idol has so much product placement now that it might as well not even cut to the actual commercials, but of course that's not going to happen.

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The "Ain't This a Bitch?" Face you will come to know very well.

Christmas is coming early for many of us. As you probably already know, the next 18 installments of R. Kelly's gloriously batshit hip-hopera Trapped In the Closet are premiering on IFC tonight. Just in case you haven't seen the first 22 -- yes, twenty-two -- chapters in this ongoing, one-music-video-at-a-time epic saga, let us recap them for you. This is going to be a long one, so let's not waste any time or words, but get right into it.

Chapter 1: R. Kelly is Sylvester, waking in an unfamiliar bed. Kisses from an unfamiliar woman, Cathy. "She ain't you," R. Kelly sings -- infidelity. Cathy's husband Rufus just got home. Sylvester hides in the closet. Husband enters, knows something's wrong. He searches, Sylvester's phone rings. Sylvester draws a gun. Rufus opens the closet.

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Slim Thug is pretty good at celebrating Texans wins.

Houston has a professional football team, called the Houston Texans. A lot of people like them; some are rappers.

The Internet has several forms of social media; one is called Twitter. A lot of people use it. Some of them are rappers.

Like last week and every other week prior, we perused Twitter during Sunday night's game against the mighty Monsters of the Midway (that'd be the Chicago Bears, yo) and grabbed the ten best tweets from the aforementioned rappers on the aforementioned social-media platform.

Malibooyah.

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