Deep Undercover at the YMCA's Beyoncé Fitness Class

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Photo by Robin Harper/Courtesy of Parkwood Entertainment
All hail the Queen.
Nykema Brown has just seamlessly executed a dance move that looks like a cross between something from a Qing Gong flick and a Crossfit burpee -- and she's managed to make it look sexy. She then whips her head back to the beat.

"...5, 6, 7, 8!" she shouts with a smile.

It's a Wednesday night and I'm dancing with the best of 'em at the Houston Texans YMCA (5404 Griggs Road), drenched in sweat in what could easily be touted as the fiercest dance class this side of the Mason-Dixon line.

Brown, the teacher, offers a modification to the next move in the routine, which looks physically impossible. I ask for a modification of the modification, and the class erupts in laughter.

The class consists of 25 women and myself, the lone wolf who might have gotten himself in a little too deep this time around.


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The Most Absurd Beyonce Headlines We've Seen Recently

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Being Beyonce is apparently a tough gig to pull off. Not only is she a pop icon, she's also a faux-baby-bump-sporting member of the Illuminati who is buying Neverland Ranch. And that's just the Bey of the past year or so.

Look back a bit further and you'll figure out that she's been pregnant once a month for at least four years or so -- which defies the odds on every level -- and she's slept through a Japanese earthquake to boot. The Beyonce rumor mill is always churning up newer, more ridiculous shit, giving us some of the most absurd headlines known to man, even by Radar Online standards.

Bey will be in town next week for a stop on the Mrs. Carter Show World Tour, the first of her two scheduled shows here this year, so we figured what better way to help you prep for the madness than to remind you of the many ways the world is obsessed with Queen Bey, courtesy of some of the worst Beyonce-themed headlines around.

So here ya go -- welcome to our Beyonce rumor roundup. Prepare yourself for a boatload o' stupid, and a whole lot of pregnant. Jay Z must be a serious stud.


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Beyonce Headed Back to Toyota Center December 10

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Photo by Daniel Kramer
Beyonce at Toyota Center in July 2009
Beyonce is a busy woman these days, but Houston's hometown superstar has managed to make some time to get home for the holidays -- on her second Toyota Center stop on her "Mrs. Carter World Tour" in a six months.

Live Nation announced this morning that Beyonce will return to Houston on December 10, less than five months after the tour stops in Houston on July 15. According to Toyota Center's Web site, tickets her still available for her July 15 show at the downtown arena.


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Five Things We Learned from That Beyoncé Documentary on HBO

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Life is But a Dream, the HBO documentary about Beyoncé that was directed and produced by Beyoncé, premiered over the weekend. Did you watch it? Of course not, you're much too cool for that. Luckily for you, we ain't, because it was a pretty interesting little film.

Not due to the narrative, mind you, which was really pretty dull. Basically, our favorite homegrown diva walks us through the joys and anxieties of the last couple years of her life since firing her father, Matthew Knowles, as her manager and charting her own course in the biz (oh, and becoming a mommy along the way).

The film was hyped as an unvarnished look at Beyoncé's life, but who honestly believed that? She directed, produced and starred in the thing: We only see and hear what she wants us to. At best, it's a trumped-up episode of "Making the Video." At worst, it's the exceedingly boring video diary of a beautiful control freak.

Still, there were a few revealing moments on display - not all of them expected. Because your mom is too cheap to shell out for HBO, we've helpfully compiled here the top five things we learned from Life is But a Dream:

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Beyonce Stoops to Conquer Toyota Center July 15

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The Right Profile: Beyonce was all the electricity Super Bowl XLVII needed.
Hot off the heels of her electrifying Super Bowl halftime performance, which some believe had something to do with the mysterious blackout at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome shortly into the game's third quarter, Beyonce announced after the game that she will hit the road later this year for her first world tour since 2009.

Presented by Live Nation, the North American leg begins June 28 at L.A.'s Staples Center and visits her hometown arena, Toyota Center, July 15. Also on the itinerary is the Barclays Center, the new arena in downtown Brooklyn in which Beyonce's husband Jay-Z (or "Mr. Carter") owns a small stake.

"It is expected to be bigger in scope than any of her previous shows," a Live Nation press release said.


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The Destiny's Child Compilation Beyoncé Doesn't Want You to Hear

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Beyoncé, with others
With all the excitement buzzing around the rumored Destiny's Child reunion during Beyoncé's Super Bowl Halftime set on Sunday, one could be forgiven for picking up a copy of the iconic girl group's latest compilation album, the imaginatively titled Love Songs. After all, it includes a whole stack of DC's smoothest, silkiest R&B ballads, and it's even got a brand-new single attached, to boot.

Rewind:

VIDEO: Beyonce Wows Super Bowl Press Conference Crowd By Singing Anthem Live


But don't do it. Do not buy this record. I know it's bright and shiny and new, and that it's been a while since we got a fresh single from these hometown heartbreakers. But since when, exactly, has Destiny's Child been known for their love songs? You think anybody's going to want to hear "Cater 2 U" at the Super Bowl? Hell no!

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MTV: Beyonce Headlining Super Bowl XLVII Halftime Show

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Photo by Daniel Kramer
Beyonce at Toyota Center in July 2009
Beyonce, native Houstonian, role model, Tumblr-keeper, wife of Jay-Z, friend and favorite of President Obama, supposedly has yet another feather to add to her headdress come February: Super Bowl Halftime headliner.

According to MTV.com, the 31-year-old HSPVA alumna will be the featured entertainment at Super Bowl XLVII, scheduled for February 3, 2013 at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome just down I-10 in New Orleans. Citing an unnamed source at the Associated Press, the report said possible guest appearances at the show could include Jay-Z (of course they would) as well as a possible reunion of Destiny's Child.

An official statement is expected from Team Beyonce tomorrow, the report added.


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Enrique Iglesias & Jennifer Lopez Heading to Houston August 26

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Enrique Iglesias, Jennifer Lopez and Wisin Y Yandel are heading to Houston's Toyota Center on August 26. This marks the third time that Iglesias has been in Houston in the past year, logging a RodeoHouston date this spring and a Toyota show last fall. Does he own land here or something?

From the looks of it, Lopez was last here in Houston with ex-husband Marc Anthony back in October 2007 for a co-headlining date. The only Lopez song I like is "Jenny from the Block," "If You Had My Love", "Waiting for Tonight" and "Let's Get Loud."

Oh, that's five songs, you say? I never finished college.


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Report: Beyonce At U of H RIGHT NOW

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Rocks Off's glitz-tracking colleagues/rivals over at CultureMap are reporting that Beyonce has just dropped in at the University of Houston to watch her mom, designer Tina Knowles, get interviewed for the university's Women's Archive and Research Collection. Like, RIGHT NOW, y'all.

So is about half of Twitter, as you can see above. "Beyonce" and "U of H" are both trending topics right now. Well, OK, they were about 10 minutes ago. Beyonce's better half, Jay-Z, is supposedly chilling at the University of Texas-San Antonio right now too.


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Pregnant Teens: Not Beyonce's Fault

Monday, BET.com posted an article suggesting Beyoncé's pregnancy, which she announced at the VMAs and nearly crashed Twitter, might cause a "spike in Black Teen Pregnancy." Have you ever heard anything more ridiculous? It's more than unfair to blame Beyoncé for African American teens becoming pregnant when a plethora of other factors can make a difference in the statistic.

Teenage girls have many different reasons why they have children at a young age. Wanting to emulate Beyoncé, who is a married woman and will be 30 years old next week, is without a doubt the most irresponsible excuse. Granted, the Grammy-winning singer and actress is a trendsetter with die-hard fans, but did we look at other pregnant R&B superstars and think the same thing?

When singer Alicia Keys got pregnant before marrying producer Swizz Beats, were there any thoughts of teens rushing to get knocked up? What about when singers Keyshia Cole, Monica or Christina Milian were with child? These women are role models to some girls across the nation as well; blaming musicians for the consequences of bad parenting has always seemed like the easy way out.


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