The 10 Suckiest Bands of the '00s

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Okay, guys. Enough with the nostalgia shows already.

We know you've noticed it, the sudden influx of '90s nostalgia bands that have made their way back on tour. Up until this point, it was fine to dig up a few musical memories while listening to an aging band play their radio hits, because the '90s were an awesome time for music, especially alternative rock, and therefore these nostalgia shows are relatively harmless. Cheesy, yes, but harmless nonetheless.

However, at some point during all of this '90s hysteria, no one noticed that there was a change a-comin', and that change is one we'd all be better off without: the '00s. That's right, the '00s. You know, that little decade of time from 2000 to 2010 that basically killed everything that was decent and listenable about mainstream alt-rock? Yeah, that one.

Thanks to the success of these '90s nostalgia tours, '00s alt-rock bands are jumping on that bandwagon and booking tours together as bad-music collectives, and they're resurrecting all that was awful about that period of music in the first place. I don't think I need to remind everyone about how terrible frosted tips on whine-singing dudes were, right?


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"Asian Girlz" Is For Real Racist, Also Flat-Out Terrible

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In today's "things that should never exist, ever" file, we bring you one overtly racist song that is making the rounds. It's a real winner, with its lyrics about the beauty of an Asian girl's "creamy yellow thighs," "slanted eyes," "fried rice" and, well, "butt-fucking all night." Yeah. Those are literally the lyrics of this song, which is not a parody.

The song, aptly titled "Asian Girlz," is brought to us by Day Above Ground, a band I'd never heard of until this thing -- and the generalized "what the fuck" response to it -- went viral. Every once in a while, something comes along to make you think the world couldn't possibly get any dumber, and this song would be one of those things. Idiocracy, we have become.


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Are These the Most Anticipated Albums of 2013? Seriously?

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...and then he writes for Loudwire.

A Web site (magazine?) called Loudwire posted their list of the most anticipated rock albums of 2013. The first question we have is "anticipated by whom?" Because if the answer is "people who love music," then we've got some major problems here.

10. Motley Crue

Really? The tenth most anticipated new rock album. Really. Look, we're not saying Motley Crue aren't hugely popular, clearly they are. They sell out gigantic concert venues and will probably continue to do so for a long time. But is anyone really looking forward to new Motley Crue music?

Diehard fans, maybe, but are there enough of them to make this the number ten most anticipated album of 2013? "Girls Girls Girls" may take you back to 1987 and fond memories of your youth, but it's now been over twenty years since grunge killed hair metal stone dead. Motley Crue's next album is going to change that? Come on.


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5 More Sudden Awful Musical Marriages We'd Like to See

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HEY. HEY, GIRL. OVER HERE. HEY.
Rewind: So Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne Are Engaged: How Should You Feel?

Boy, that Avril Lavigne/Chad Kroeger engagement announcement came out of left field, huh? Who knows which other terrible music makers are secretly seeing one another right now? Why, it could be anyone! Even...

Ke$ha and Scott Weiland

How They'll Meet: Weiland's Duffel-Bag-Full-of-Miscellaneous-Pills dealer gets pinched by the cops, so he's forced to use a different guy, who accidentally books a simultaneous appointment with a certain glitter-smeared dance-floor darling. It's a meet-cute straight out of a Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks film; the epic binge that follows, somewhat less so.

How Long They'll Last: Two weeks before the marriage is annulled by the state, as neither party can be considered legally responsible for themselves.


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The 8 Most Bro-Tastic Bands of All Time

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Do what now with the cookie?
"Hipster."

The word is older than you think: it pops up in an old Seinfeld episode where Jerry refers to Kramer as a "hipster doofus." It even predates that by many years. A few years ago, it was convenient shorthand to refer to someone who overcompensates, who tries too hard to be unique and interesting and winds up a caricature.

Common usage, unfortunately, has utterly ruined the word's usefulness; just as "emo" came to mean anything sad, "hipster" now refers to anyone with an even slightly artistic bent.

Wearing a concert shirt from last night's Death Cab For Cutie show? HIPSTER. Found a vintage pair of eyeglass frames that were unique and you thought suited you? HIPSTER. Get bored and draw on your shoes? HIPSTER. The word has lost all meaning and therefore all usefulness.

Well, there are two sides to that coin. There's another phenomenon, that of the broseph, a.k.a. dudebro or bro-dude, which is the polar opposite of the hipster.


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Don't Play It Again, Sam: More Terrible Remakes Of Great Songs (By The Original Artists)

Rocks Off covered Eric Clapton's "Layla" and several other awful updates in January.

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Sometimes an artist hits it big with one great song. Real big, real fast. Before they know it, they're the hot-button item, on the lips of the hip and influential across the world.

Of course, a sudden rise to fame is usually followed by a meteoric collapse, and if not that then a much more gradual but no less saddening decline. Just taking an example from this very list: Nobody in their right mind could say that Motley Crue was a one-hit wonder. Yet once grunge killed the hair-metal excess of the '80s, the Crue tried everything they could do recapture the heat they had in their heyday. Quite unsuccessfully, might I add.

Now, obviously they're still hugely successful and can pack a stadium full of nostalgic suburbanites, but do you even know if the Crue are still writing and recording new music? Do you care? I had to look it up, and it's kind of my job to know that shit. (Yeah, I know, Craiggers: you're eagerly awaiting Saints of Los Angeles Part 2. Yes, I'm sure the 2008 album is underrated. Just go with the premise here.)

So what do you do when the natural cycle of rise and decline has you yearning for the days of relevance? Why, you go back to the well, of course. You dig up a big hit, hopefully your biggest, and update it for a modern age. Hey, people loved it once, why wouldn't they love it again?

Here are several reasons why they wouldn't.


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Taking Apart Yesterday's Facebook Music Screed

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Yesterday, about a half-dozen of my Facebook friends forwarded a gloom-and-doom listicle from a site called Buzzfeed entitled "12 Extremely Disappointing Facts About Popular Music." Now up to over one million hits, the doom-and-gloom piece is subtitled "This is the saddest thing you'll read all day!!! You let this happen! You!!!"

Okay leaving aside the fact that it was far from the saddest thing I'd read all day -- that would probably have been the deaths of the final two of the four children of that homicidal dad in Bay City -- it's difficult to conclude that the article was anything other than dishonest, a compendium of misleading BS, cherrypicked facts, and apples-and-oranges comparisons purporting to show...what, exactly? That people suck? That music is in the toilet as never before?

If that was the article's intent, it fails on anything other than the most superficial analysis. Let's examine its contentions point-by-point.

1. Creed has sold more records in the US than Jimi Hendrix

Okay, that sucks. But in Jimi's heyday, rock was young and only young people were listening to rock. Also, there were close to 100 million more people in the America of Creed than there were in Jimi's America. And note it says in the US only. Because he had to go overseas to make his name, Hendrix is hugely popular in the UK. Today, a black man with his looks and lyrical and instrumental talent probably would not have to go to London to make it. Witness the later success of the far-less-talented if somewhat similar Lenny Kravitz.


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Broke Down: A Playlist From The Middle Of Nowhere

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motiontowing.com
There are eight spark plugs in the Eddie Bauer edition of Ford's 2001 Expedition. Eight. And if one of them isn't working properly - if it becomes loose or stripped or a gremlin sneaks under the hood and gobbles it up (a common problem in Fords) - the whole car is pretty much fucked. Crazy.
 
Goodie Mob had, like, one good guy out of four and they were still pretty good. No matter. Ford Expeditions do not care about the number of hits Cee-Lo's old group had. One monkey stops their show like a motherfucker. I know this because Monday, one of the sparkplugs in my Expedition went wongo on the way from Corpus to Houston.
 
The whole scenario was pretty unspectacular: There was some driving (this is fun enough), then an awful, horrible knocking noise (THUDTHUDTHUD...), then some confusion: Did I just wander over onto those ridges on the side of the road that prevent people from driving into the median?


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The Five Worst Music Movies Ever*

* That aren't actual musicals

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*eye roll*
It would be easy to pick out a bunch of terrible musicals to make fun of. First off, most musicals seem stuck in the 1930s, when every song everywhere sounded like a show tune, and therefore stank.

Second, we're afraid of polarizing our audience. You either like musicals or you don't, and we really don't want to wade through a bunch of comments letting us know in excruciating detail why the musical genre is a moving and intelligent art form and who the hell are we to blah blah blah and so forth. So instead, we've chosen to take a look at some of the worst films of all time that deal with music but are not, in fact, musicals.

This caveat is all that kept the abominable Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band movie off of this list, and thank God for that. We may have had to rewatch it, and no frickin' thank you. Of course, rewatching scenes from the following turd-o-ramas was no picnic either. Hopefully you'll gain some enjoyment from our evisceration of these atrocities so that our efforts were not in vain.


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Eight Actors Turned Musicians, Best To Worst

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This past week, actor Jeff Bridges decided to take the ill-advised plunge that far too many of his thespian brothers and sisters have before him: He released a record. Produced by his Crazy Heart buddy T-Bone Burnett, Bridges' self-titled album sold about 13,000 copies its first week, coming in at No. 25 on the Billboard 200. Luckily for him, it was at least met with good reviews but many more before him have not been so fortunate.

Actors. When will they learn?

Here at Rocks Off, we decided to grade these actor turned musicians on a sliding scale from good to tolerable to skin-crawlingly awful. And we had to leave a few out, so feel free to let us know about it.


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