The 10 Suckiest Bands of the '00s

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Okay, guys. Enough with the nostalgia shows already.

We know you've noticed it, the sudden influx of '90s nostalgia bands that have made their way back on tour. Up until this point, it was fine to dig up a few musical memories while listening to an aging band play their radio hits, because the '90s were an awesome time for music, especially alternative rock, and therefore these nostalgia shows are relatively harmless. Cheesy, yes, but harmless nonetheless.

However, at some point during all of this '90s hysteria, no one noticed that there was a change a-comin', and that change is one we'd all be better off without: the '00s. That's right, the '00s. You know, that little decade of time from 2000 to 2010 that basically killed everything that was decent and listenable about mainstream alt-rock? Yeah, that one.

Thanks to the success of these '90s nostalgia tours, '00s alt-rock bands are jumping on that bandwagon and booking tours together as bad-music collectives, and they're resurrecting all that was awful about that period of music in the first place. I don't think I need to remind everyone about how terrible frosted tips on whine-singing dudes were, right?


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Slip Slidin' Away: My Life as a Rock Journalist With the Houston Press

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Photo by Marc Brubaker
The author watching Free Energy at Fitz in 2011.
I had a hernia operation in the early summer of 2006, and had nothing to do all day but hobble around with cool cane a borrowed from Grandpa Hlavaty and play on the Internets for two months or so.

I had developed the injury while working at Domino's, but it was cool because their insurance helped pay for it, and the cool pills that came with the painful surgery.

That summer while trolling around on Craigslist for stray local writing gigs, I saw that then Houston Press music editor John Nova Lomax had put out a call for freelance music writers.

A-ha.


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That's a Big Twinkie: A Soundtrack to the Apocalypse

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The last shipment of Hostess Twinkies was supposedly delivered last Tuesday, as Hostess indeed filed for bankruptcy. Twinkies were also linked to great destructive forces in the movie Ghostbusters.

This all falls very close to December 21, which marks the end of the Mayan Mesoamerican Long Count Calendar and is also predicted to be the date of cataclysmic events that are expected to transform the world and society as we know it. In other words, the psychokinetic Twinkie apocalypse is coming.

I am also assuming that as a Rocks Off reader, one of the first things you want in your preparation for this apocalypse is a thrilling playlist that is specially crafted for these end times and is available right here, am I right?

What differs my soundtrack from other similar Internet creations? It comes with an entire Slayer box set, which even I don't currently own. Without further ado, here is your custom-tailored soundtrack to the apocalypse.


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Dearly Departed: Bands We'll Miss Who Broke Up In 2012

Categories: The End Is Nigh

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Photo by Jim Bricker
Gorillaz performing at Toyota Center in 2010.
Every year has its fair share of births and deaths, even when speaking of bands. They form, reform, and break up. We talk a lot about reunions, but many bands fade out and break up with barely a whisper. It's unfortunate because some of these bands were old favorites at one time.

Today we'll look back at some of the bands we lost this year. All had their reasons for breaking up, but we'll miss them regardless. For the purposes of this list, we're also including bands that went "on hiatus," as those things can last decades.

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Set It To Blow: 5 Musical Bombs to Promote Internet-Jukebox Anarchy

Recently my Twitter buddy John Seaborn Gray wrote a blog for Rocks Off in which he gave the world five simple suggestions for how to use Internet jukeboxes more effectively. He makes a lot of good points and if you're good people you'll read it, digest it and put his rules in to practice.

I am not good people and I'm betting not all of you are either.

John was right: Internet jukeboxes are in fact proof that democracy doesn't work. But while John wants to build a more perfect union, I'm here to help you destroy the system.

The Internet jukebox is a bomb, and my $1 is the match that lights the fuse.


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Stevie Wonder Divorce Heralds Impending Doom

Categories: The End Is Nigh

Even though Mason Lankford said, "There will come a day when we forget the Rapture ever even happened," Rocks Off is keeping an eye out for signs of our impending Armageddon. I was wrong last time, but I'm totally right this time!

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It must be nice for Barack Obama to appear in an article about the end of the world and not be the subject. Call it a late birthday gift, sir.
Sad news in the entertainment world. Beloved pop star Stevie Wonder, the blind piano man that gave us hits like "Superstition," has filed for divorce from his wife of 11 years. Fashion designer Kai Millard Morris is the 62-year-old Wonder's second wife. They will share joint custody of their two sons.

Documents obtained by Rueters indicate that the couple had been separated since 2009, with irreconcilable differences listed as the grounds for the divorce. It's always sad to see a marriage fall apart, and our thoughts and condolences go out to the family in this troubling and private time.

My only advice is to cheer up! Seeing as how the divorce has instigated the end of the world.


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Justin Bieber and the Secret War Against Music

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Photo by Groovehouse.
Fans or potential victims?
When people start going on about a hip hop illuminati or the secret messages in Lady Gaga videos we tend to laugh at them, call them kooks, and suggest they spend their free time in more productive ways. Jay-Z is powerful but only a crazy person would believe that Blue Ivy Carter was some sort of hip-hop Antichrist and the only believable Gaga conspiracy is that Stefani Germanotta is really just an actor that is the tool of a handful of designers, songwriters and suits who are trying to make a quick buck by flying a freak flag.

Being the smart, educated people that we see ourselves as, it's easy to look down on those who harbor silly beliefs. It's condescending, but in a good way. And I was right there with you, laughing as people looked for the hidden codes in Blue Ivy's name and the "Bad Romance" video. I tell you this because I need you to understand that I'm not prone to conspiracy talk or crazy theories.

The other day I read something that chilled me to my very core, something that I fear could be leading to the downfall of music as we know it. And I need you guys to know it too, so that we can prepare for the battle ahead of us.

Guys... Justin Bieber has a doomsday weapon.


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Celine Dion Sued for Overtime Violations, Starts Apocalypse

Categories: The End Is Nigh

Even though Mason Lankford said, "There will come a day when we forget the Rapture ever even happened," Rocks Off is keeping an eye out for signs of our impending Armageddon. We were wrong last time, but we're totally right this time!

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Anirudh Koul via Flickr
Megastar Celine Dion is involved in a minor lawsuit at the moment. Her former employee Keith Sturtevant is suing her, claiming that the singer did not pay him compensation for overtime. claims he was designated as an exempt "warehouse manager" by Dion and her husband Rene Angelil so that they could avoid paying overtime and worker's compensation insurance. He also claims that at least three other employees of Dion's have been denied rightful compensation.

Now, for the few of you who are still awake after that paragraph, you may be asking, "Who in the blue hell cares!?" You should, but this lawsuit against Dion is concrete proof that the end of the world is nigh. The answer lies in the Book of Revelation. Here's Johnny...


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Garth Brooks In Country Music Fall of Fame: Harbinger Of Doom

Categories: The End Is Nigh

Even though Mason Lankford said, "There will come a day when we forget the Rapture ever even happened," Rocks Off is keeping an eye out for signs of our impending Armageddon. We were wrong last time, but we're totally right this time!

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Don't you never say no bad words about Chris Gaines.
We'd more or less forgotten about Garth Brooks, who took country music to the mainstream in the late '80s and early '90s. He became one of the top-selling artists of all time, and claimed fans from all over the world, but the strain of his career took its toll and he quietly bowed out of recording and performing as the millennium dawned.

And no, it had nothing to do with his Chris Gaines album, you close-minded philistines. Fun fact: Brooks' only U.S. Top 40 pop single is actually "Lost in You" from The Life of Chris Gaines.

Sorry for the vehemence. We were big into Brooks when we were in middle school, and there's still a place in our heart for the man's music. "In Lonesome Dove" from Ropin' the Wind is one of our favorite songs to this day. We'd link to a YouTube video for it, but there doesn't seem to be one. So instead we'll send you over to the song we blatantly ripped off from "In Lonesome Dove" to write. (We just added a wizard.)


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Boondocks Owner Arrested Saturday For Noise Violation

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Photo by Marco Torres
Boondocks owner Shawn Bermudez was arrested and booked at the central jail Saturday night when Houston Police Department officers responded to another noise complaint at the popular Montrose nightspot.

Tuesday afternoon, Houston Police Department Public Information Officer Jodi Silva confirmed to Rocks Off that Bermudez had been arrested and was processed at the downtown jail for a Class C misdemeanor.

According to frequent Rocks Off photographer and contributor Marco Torres, who was at Boondocks Saturday to hear legendary New York City turntablist DJ Spinna, who had been brought down by Red Bull for the event, Boondocks' managers and DJs had been warned during an HPD stop at the club February 17 on a previous noise violation complaint that "next time someone would be arrested."


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