The Most Gangsta Funeral There Will Ever Be

Categories: Serrano Time

Note: Houston's Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rap Coloring and Activity Book, and writes this weekly column about his life and times.

casket.jpg
Flickr/Javier Lopez Zavala
See you at tha crossroads...
Last week, I went to the funeral of a person whom I cared about. While I am of course happy that he will get to spend the rest of eternity in Heaven with the woman that he loved (who was there waiting for him), I am sad for myself and for my family because he is someone we all cared about deeply. This is not a remembrance post, though. My wife, this particular man's granddaughter, wrote one far better than I could ever hope to do. This, my true best friends, is a blueprint.

Here's what I know, and you know, and everyone knows: I'm going to die, you're going to die, we're all going to die. I can only hope that it happens to me while I'm doing something cool like climbing a mountain or participating in a Royal Rumble. More likely is that it happens while I'm making a joke about boners on Twitter.

But when my heart is finally crushed under the weight of a lifetime of tortillas and tamales, I want my funeral to be conducted in a very specific manner. The following 11 things need to happen. This is legal and binding. Please make sure that my lawyer gets it, as my wife is already expressing her unwillingness to honor some of my requests. Thank you.

FOR MY FUNERAL:


More »

The Toughest SOB at the Skating-Rink Party Is Right Here

Categories: Serrano Time

Note: Houston's Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball, whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rap Coloring and Activity Book and writes a this weekly column about his life and times.

roller.jpg
Flickr/Great Beyond
Among many other things, my twin six-year-olds sons think I am Manu Ginobili when the Spurs play basketball on TV; the model for the Georges St-Pierre action figure, which we gave my wife for Christmas one year; Paco from Bloodsport; and the guy inside the blue Power Ranger costume. They think all of these things because I told them all of these things, because when you're a dad you can just lie about shit and your kids will believe you.

With tiny humans whose brains are nearly empty living in your house, you can be whomever you want. Did you know that I once got into a fistfight with Thor? Or that I taught the Pope how to pray? That I have the muscle density of a gorilla? Or did you know that I invented cars, and also lightning? Fact, fact, fact, fact and fact.

Lying is the tits for dads, man. You know what the trade off is, though? Motherfucking birthday parties.


More »

The Best YouTube Videos, as Rated By a Six-Year-Old

Note: In his weekly column, Houston's award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano, recent co-author of Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book, writes about his life and times.

YouTube-0203.jpg
Image by Waiting For the Words/Illustration by Shea
Late last month Houston was properly pummeled by Meltankos (Norse God of Ice, obviously). A nasty frost forced the closure of the city's schools and many of its businesses on January 24, a day when the roads were so treacherous and unforgiving that even despite limited traffic, there were more than 500 accidents.

But the front moved in and out quickly. That evening, it was already safe to move around again. By Sunday, it was downright pleasant, the schools were fully operational again the next Monday. At least they were until one of my six-year-old sons called God.


More »

Famous Rappers, as Drawn by Six-Year-Old Boys

Categories: Serrano Time

Note: In his column Serrano Time, Houston's award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.

lead.jpg
Flickr/Serranehth
I am working on a new book.

I cannot say too much about it yet, other than:

1. it's with the same company that published Bun B's Rap Coloring And Activity Book.

2. it will be a real actual book with real actual words, and illustrations and charts and stickers and all sorts of other neat stuffs.

More »

Pitbull's "Timber" Is Just the Worst

[Note: in his column Serrano Time, Houston's award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

serranotopimage-0113.jpg
Right now, Pitbull's "Timber," featuring Ke$ha, is No. 2 on Billboard and No. 1 on my GTFOH chart. I don't remember the first time I heard it -- it seems like I've heard it every day since I was 12-years-old -- but I do remember when I decided I hated it (the first time I heard it).

Perhaps I was being too dismissive, given that the video has more than 50,000,000 views, though I have to assume many were watched sarcastically and with hatred in the watcher's heart. Nonetheless, I decided to watch it, hoping that would change how I felt about the song, or at least make it less likely that when it came on the radio I'd drive my car off a cliff.

Alas, that did not happen:


More »

Dear 2014: Can You Tell Kanye to Please Stop Talking?

Categories: Serrano Time

Note: in his column Serrano Time, Houston's award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.

coles.jpg
Shea
Dear 2013,

Oh, man. So you're officially over. That's kind of sad. You were mostly a very dope year -- at least for me, anyway, and truth be told, that's all I really care about because I am selfish and I guess I'm sorry about that. I'll try to be more empathetic in 2014. (The 2014 Empathy Campaign will be largely unsuccessful, of this I am sure.)

2013, Do you remember Chance The Rapper's Acid Rap? That was such a great tape. It might've been the best tape of you, depending on when you happen to ask me. I watched Chance perform live twice. He was super entertaining. I like him a lot. Actually, I just saw that he's on the cover of the new Source. That's so wonderful.

He seems so nice. I wonder how he felt about the picture they used though. It kind of made me wish that someone sometime a while back had invented shoes for eyeballs because when my eyeballs saw the cover they jumped out of my skull and ran right the fuck down the block. I didn't like it that much.


More »

This Illustrated Kanye Quiz Has All the Answers

Categories: Serrano Time

Note: In his column Serrano Time, Houston's award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.

What.jpg
All illustrations by me. I'm Shea.
This game is very simple: Look at the pictures and guess what Kanye West song each one represents. Boom. That's it. That's all. You're done.

That's a little thing called respecting your time. That's a little thing called sometimes Christopher Nolan works a little too hard. I'm saying, because I watched Inception on TNT the other day and had no idea what the fuck was going on. I spent the whole movie making the same face that you make when you can't remember what you changed your email password to. Fuck you, password.

Click the link underneath each picture to get the answer. Kanye may be insufferable, but he's also the tits.


More »

Eminem's Awful Rihanna Duet Is a Monster All Right

Note: in his column Serrano Time, award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.

eminem1216-MT.jpg
Photo by Marco Torres
Song: Eminem's "The Monster," feat. Rihanna

History: Eminem did a freestyle battle. He went up against Papa Doc and choked. It was pretty sad. Then some more sad stuff happened to him. But then he did another freestyle battle and, if you can even believe it, he ended up going against Papa Doc again and THIS TIME HE WON BY MAKING PAPA DOC CHOKE.

That's a little thing called true justice. After that, Rihanna was like, "Oh my God this dude has mad skills. I need to do a song with him." So they did some pretty good songs together. And then they made "The Monster."


More »

Baby-Animal GIFs Review R. Kelly's Black Panties

Note: In his column Serrano Time, Houston's award-winning scribe and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.

panties-1209-tn.jpg

Here's what you need to know about Robert Sylvester Kelly: He's the fucking best.

At singing. At wearing masks. At making videos of himself having sex. All of it. And so of course his new album, Black Panties, does amazing things. There's one part where he says he wants to make crazy faces in the mirror just because it's fun, and on a different part he says he's going to marry a pussy because it's an extra-special pussy. See, he knows that if he gets bored with that pussy then the pussy he married will bring him another pussy to join them. That's a little thing called true love.

Originally, the plan was to review Black Panties using GIFs that captured each song's essence. But that would have required using anime pornography, which wasn't appropriate for this, um, family blog. So I decided on the exact opposite: ADORABLE BABY ANIMAL GIFs!


More »

That Time I Accidentally Became a College Drug Dealer

Categories: Serrano Time

Note: In his column Serrano Time, Houston's award-winning scribe and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.

pacinoscarface.JPG
Photo courtesy of Universal
Sheaface
The biggest concern in my life recently is that every show on my DVR is the regular definition version, rather than the high-definition version. As you can see, things have almost always been nice and easy for me. Which is why, as you might imagine, it was strange when I accidentally became a drug dealer in college.

It went like this: My college, located in Huntsville, had a billiards club, which I'm just now realizing is incredibly nerdy. I'd begun playing a lot of it in high school, but in college I flourished. My brain just understood what was supposed to happen without anyone having to explain it to me. And so it became ALL that I did, for like two years straight. Gambling was a natural extension of that.


More »

Now Trending

From the Vault

 

Loading...