Chubby Checker, the Man Who Killed the Boner App

chubby-checker 0214.jpg
There's no way to say this in a ladylike fashion, so fuck it.

Because someone, somewhere wants me to make middle-school boner jokes today, Chubby Checker of "Twist" fame is suing Hewlett-Packard and Palm for releasing the "Chubby Checker," an app used to estimate a dude's potential boner size by measuring his foot. (Apparently the whole "judge a man by his shoe size" old wives' tale is true. Who knew?)

Marketed by its ability to support different units of measurement depending on your region, the app promises to help eliminate that whole "awkward disappointment with his mini-me" thing that we ladies so often face.

But don't issue that collective sigh just yet, ladies. The boner app has been off the market since September 2012, essentially ruining the lives of millions of women who weren't even aware the damn thing even existed.

More »

Vladimir Putin's Boyz II Men Sex Plan Is Phenomenal

BIIM resized.jpg
parttimemusic via Wikipedia
It seems that Russian president Vladimir Putin has finally figured out what every middle-school boy has known since the '90's: if you play Boyz II Men for your date, it all but guarantees that her clothes are comin' off.

In a bid to astronomically increase the Russian birth rate, president Putin has hired the '90s ballad-crooning trio known for "End of the Road" and "I'll Make Love to You" to entice his citizens into gettin' it on. It's the right choice if you ask me, considering I believe their music is directly responsible for one in three American births during the early 1990s.

As silly as it sounds, I really feel like Putin may have hit the nail on the head with this one. I'm glad he's stopped the whole "trying to pay the citizens of Russia to have babies" thing; it was a little desperate. Women like it when you drive a hard bargain, offering nothing more than a little vodka and some ambiance. I mean, why pay for it, when all it takes is a little mood music to seal the deal?

In a slow-clap to his creativity, I'd like to offer a few song suggestions to Mr. Putin to help increase the odds of this weird, nationwide naughty-bits marathon succeeding. I'm helpful like that.

More »

5 Bands Studies Show Make You a Bad Person

Categories: Naughty Naughty

Justin Bieber Groovehouse.JPG
Photo by Groovehouse
According to "science," listening to Justin Bieber makes you a better person.
We've been hearing for years that rock music makes us bad people. We've heard it from our parents, from teachers, from those goody-goody kids at school. AC/DC has probably written at least 100 songs about the subject. But what if I told you that scientists in the Netherlands have proved definitively that rock music makes you a delinquent?

According to these scientists, "unconventional music" like rock, hip-hop, and metal not only makes you more likely to end up a bad person, but it also leads to you infecting those around you with your diseased musical taste. The study goes on to conclude that people who listen to Justin Bieber, One Direction, and other "highbrow" music become better students and better people.

Far be it from me to question the validity of these claims. I mean, I did grow up on "unconventional music" and now look at me: writing about it for a Web site and drinking beer while I do it! But it got me thinking, what bands made me the delinquent, criminal, beer-swilling, drug-taking piece of garbage that, according to this study, I am today? Where did we all go wrong in life? Here's a few of my guesses.

More »

What's Beef? Houston's Wine-O Says "Happy Birthday T.I.," Doesn't Mean It

wine-o-iggy-azalea sept27.jpeg
Wine-O and Iggy Azalea
If you want to have a squabble with a rapper, you're going to need just cause. And Houston's own Wine-O believes he has all the right in the world to set his sights on T.I.

Known mostly for being a feared presence on a microphone and in stature, Wine-O has come out of his own "retirement" to take aim at T.I. -- and, to an extent, Iggy Azalea -- on new single, "Happy Birthday T.I." a stabbing record ironically titled around the Atlanta rapper's recently celebrated 32nd birthday.

According to Wine-O, it all starts with Iggy, the Australian-born bombshell who's come into national prominence with the mixtape Ignorant Art and her signing to Interscope/Grand Hustle. Back then, she was an 18-year-old when she met Wine-O and the two began dating.

"I taught her how to rap, how to finish a 16-bar verse and got her exposure initially," Wine-O explains. "I took her to New York, L.A. and all these places and introduced her to people."

More »

Sex Expert Rachel Khona's Steamy Road-Sex Soundtrack

Nevermind the bushes, the parking garage, the vacant tollbooth, the Wendy's bathroom, the Walmart gardening center. I guess we've all been there, when the urge and vapors and blood flow gets to be so troublesome that we just gotta have sex in the car. It has to happen in the car. No exceptions.

That's where sex expert Rachel Khona comes in. She is a contributing editor for Vaga Magazine and has written for Cosmopolitan, Inked and Penthouse, among others. She is a noted sex expert -- check out her blog -- who has appeared on terrestrial and satellite radio, and made numerous other pop-culture cameos.

This past week she sent us a list of songs that she thinks would soundtrack the perfect sexual/vehicular encounter. (With another person, preferably. Not yourself or the car itself. Although...)

More »

The Best Rockabilly Beauties From Rock Baby Rock It

Photos by Jay Lee
See even more pinup queens in our Rock Baby Rock It slideshow.

As William Michael Smith put it in his review, hot the operative word at Saturday's Rock Baby Rock It hot-rod show/musical extravaganza. Ladies were dolled up pin-up style all over the Island off Main, with tall hair, heavy make-up, and slathered on sass. Parasols and "Bettie" bangs were the accessories of choice for the weekend.

Rocks Off had the hellacious and enviable task of poring over Jay Lee's pictures of Saturday's festivities to pick out ten beauties from the event. Of course there were more, and maybe Mr. Lee is holding back on us, the jerk.

Anyhow here are the hottest of the hotties from Rock Baby Rock It, Houston's annual rockin' weekend off the Island.

More »

#1 Crushes: Our Favorite '90s Rock Vixens

garbage dewilde april 20.jpg
Photo by Autumn de Wilde
Tonight House of Blues welcomes Garbage back to Houston after a seven-year hiatus.

(Sadly, the group had to cancel this Houston date due to a health issue in Garbage man Duke Erikson's family. The date has not been rescheduled as of yet.)

The group, led by fearsome Scottish redhead Shirley Manson, has been sorely missed from the music scene. They are currently touring behind their upcoming album Not Your Kind of People, which hits stores May 14. Rocks Off's own Neph Basedow talked to Garbage's guitarist/keyboardist Steve Marker this past week about outer space, touring in Texas and recording the new album.

Manson was a part of an elite group of rocking women in the '90s who made the decade all the more interesting; as the men found their grunge sea legs, the girls upped the volume and were creating a whole different kind of noise. In an era where equality was still a hot-button issue, you could always expect groups like Sleater-Kinney and L7 to obliterate male-centered bands. I would still take Bricks Are Heavy over a lot of stuff called "tough" in the '90s.

More »

Great GIFs Of Shakira Shaking What Her Mother Gave Her (Semi-NFSW)

Categories: Naughty Naughty

There are no words that I can put into this space to describe the majesty of Colombian pop star Shakira. The only thing that would probably come close to succinctly putting into prose how amazing her body is digging up poet Robert Frost and using voodoo to have him pen a few lines. Can we do that?

Today is Shakira's 35th birthday. The last time the little lady -- seriously she is maybe five feet tall in heels -- was in Houston, it was at the Toyota Center in October 2010. Our very own Rizoh was on hand for the festivities, and there was a great slideshow that went with it. Though you could always just Google her name and not click those links, like you just might.

To celebrate this great milestone in the pint-size miss' life, we now present to you, a collection of GIFs of Shakira shaking her ass and body in ways that make us wonder why she is not detained at customs for agitation. It doesn't hurt that all of her hit singles are catchy as chicken pox at a daycare center. Her hips, they cannot tell a lie.

These are all quasi-SFW. Warning: there is flagrant ass-shaking and the humping of stage equipment involved.

More »



Bedtime Stories: The Naughtiest Madonna Videos Ever (Semi-NSFW)

That old special feeling...
This weekend, the grand dame of American pop music, Madonna, will grace the halftime stage at Super Bowl XLVI. This is a major improvement from last year's more-inhuman-than-human Black Eyed Peas performance, which tested the resolve our country, and even the world. But we all survived. Who won the game anyway?

Madonna comes into this performance with a new single, the Nicki Minaj and M.I.A. assisted "Gimme All Your Luvin," a song they collaborated for Madge's upcoming MDNA album, set for release on March 26. Nothing could go wrong with those two, right? A foul-mouthed Barbie and a politically-charged female rapper on live worldwide television? Everything should be cool.

More »

Enjoy Your Lunar New Year With Some Of Music's Greatest Butts

According to Chinese reckoning, today marks the lunar new year. It's the Year of the Dragon. Specifically, the Year of the Water Dragon, which I'm told will bestow a peaceful energy on the coming year, favoring the ideals of negotiation and forward thinking.

I know, right? BOOORING. We Americans know that "lunar" is an adjective related to the moon. And "moon" is synonymous with "butt." And what better way to commemorate the passing of another moon cycle than with some clips of the best buns in musical history?

The accompanying use of fireworks is at your discretion, of course.

More »