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There are a million songs in the naked [Lone Star] state. Some - okay, most - are boastful, some are introspective and some are merely stupid, as the Austin Lounge Lizards once noted. Whatever the case, all must be subjected to the rigorours scrutiny of the Lone Star Scorecard in order to make sure no one is spreading falsehoods, which would besmirch the honor of the brave settlers who revolted against the Mexican government so they could continue owning slaves.

Chris Rea, "Texas"

Man, England must be really going down the tubes if the Rea family is considering coming to Texas to escape rising tensions at home. Or maybe they just want to move someplace where they can shoot people on their neighbors' property.

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There are a lot of songs about Texas out there, and Rocks Off wouldn't be doing our duty if we sent you off into the world without properly informing you about their veracity. That's what the Lone Star Scorecard is for, and if it keeps even one of you from making an embarrassing Texas-based faux pas at a party/wedding reception/embassy dinner, then we've done our job.

Occasionally we devote an entire edition to one artist, and this week it's Houston's own (well, sort of) Robert Earl Keen, who helps his hometown ring in the New Year at House of Blues December 28.

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It's time for another edition of Lone Star Scorecard, where we perform the valuable service of shining the harsh spotlight of anal retention on classic (and less so) songs about our beloved state. You're welcome.

Jimmie Rodgers, "Blue Yodel #1 (T for Texas)"

We're a little confused...you're apparently fond of Texas and Tennessee, hence the shout outs in the chorus, but you want to shoot Thelma, to whom you also refer. And why do you also have to buy a shotgun? Isn't the pistol you're going to shoot Thelma with equal to the task of killing the "rounder" who stole her away? Maybe he has unnaturally thick skin. Or maybe America's gun laws are too lax.

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You know the drill by now: each week we sift through the literally thousands of songs about Texas (if not necessarily by Texans) and - through weeks of rigorous analysis using supercomputers owned by the five richest kings of Europe - determine how accurately they represent our great state. The result is the Lone Star Scorecard.

Gene Autry, "Texans Never Cry": Gene obviously mean to apply this song to residents of the state as a whole, but we don't have to go back further than last weekend to find a whole group of crying Texans. Namely, the ones who let Maurice Jones-Drew light them up for 119 yards and three TDs. If the Raiders win next Sunday, we may never be able to play the song again with a straight face.

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Admit it, you miss Texas. Lubbock may not have a lot of - okay, any - scenery, Dallas may take a little too much pride in the fact that they shot a TV show there, and Houston might not have the best climate/air quality/traffic, but it's home, dammit. Spend much time in other parts of the country and you'll likely find yourself pining for the state's many intangibles, like Shiner Bock, lack of state income tax, and abusive TABC agents. Most Texas songwriters have a song or three that discuss this phenomenon. Here's a sample:

Don Edwards, "Goin' Back to Texas": We could've done several entries on Edwards, whose distinctive Western style seems out of another time. Seeing as he released his first album a whopping 45 years ago, that sentiment's not too far off the mark.

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​Lone Star Scorecard #5 - "Stoned," "Songs About Texas," and "Dallas"

Everything's bigger in Texas. It's a saying that holds true whether you're talking about our hats, our freeways, or the number of songs written to satisfy our sense of self-importance. Now, there's nothing wrong with having thousands of songs gushing praise over you like Spindletop, just make sure you get the details right. Because as we'll see below, that doesn't always happen.

"Stoned" -- The Old 97s

We're big fans of the Old 97s, especially the old stuff. That said, this cut off their first album brings up a seemingly obvious question: if you're hitchhiking to Rhome solely for the purpose of catching a Greyhound to Frederickburg (presumably because there's no bus terminal in your present location), wouldn't it be easier to find someone driving to Fredericksburg and hitch a ride with them?

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​The history of country music - or any music until recent years, for that matter - is largely represented by men, with female artists popping up more and more frequently as time passed and concert/record promoters realized there was a market for women in the business. In country, you started with pioneers like Kitty Wells, who were followed by the next wave (Patsy Cline, Brenda Lee) and then the Big Three (Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, Tammy Wynette) before female artists became relatively commonplace.

Tanya Tucker represented a new direction for women in country. For better or worse, she brought a more overt sexuality than the relatively chaste Parton or Barbara Mandrell, and branched off into rock and roll for a time, making her - at least temporarily - a pariah among the C&W faithful (and it should be noted that Tucker still hasn't been inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame).

This edition of Lone Star Scorecard is therefore dedicated to Tucker, the pride and joy of Seminole, TX. She's performed a number of songs about her home state. We'll be the judge of how accurate they really are.

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There are thousands of songs about Texas, most of which manage to get some aspect of "it" right about our great state: It's big, for starters, and often seems composed of equal parts wide open spaces, comely women and Lone Star Beer. Cram any two of those elements into a song and you'll probably get at least a month's worth of KKBQ airplay.

And then there are those tunes that, for whatever reason, don't quite hit the nail on the head. Maybe there are too many references to Corpus Christi, or a description of Gulf waters as "blue," or a fond reminiscence of Dallas... whatever. The Lone Star Scorecard is designed to correct these inaccuracies, even - as is the case this week - at the expense of some of our most respected artists.

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You know the drill: every week we sift through several thousand songs (mostly) extolling the virtues of the Great State of Texas to bring you three that still manage to screw it up. And whether written by native sons or godless Yankee heathens, mistakes abound.

Little Texas, "God Blessed Texas": The Arlington-based band scored a decent hit with this not-so-modest ode to the Lone Star State's surfeit of divine favor. Hey, we're fond of Texas too, but while we realize that even Dallas has to look heavenly compared to Cleveland for Ohio native and co-songwriter Brady Seals, maybe he should spend some time in La Marque before crowing too much about "seeing heaven."

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​Many songs about Texas are written by residents wishing to celebrate some part of their beloved Lone Star State. Others come from non-Texans who are unable to resist the je ne sais quoi of the place that produced both Walter Cronkite and Karl Rove.

One thing that many of them have in common, however, is how much they get wrong. We at Rocks Off are committed to fighting ignorance wherever we find it, and will be examining the more egregious offenders in a new feature we're calling Lone Star Scorecard.

Alabama, "If You're Gonna Play In Texas (You Gotta Have a Fiddle In the Band)": You'd think a group that took a state for its own name would be wary of making sweeping geographic generalizations like the unwieldy title of this song. Regardless, there are roughly 1,000 acts playing across Texas on any given night that blatantly flout this edict. Some of them are even... country bands.

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