Blogs

Wang dang sweet poontang, Ted "High on Freedom" Nugent is at it again. Displaying a shrewd knowledge of his fanbase, Rick Perry's hunting buddy debuted his new song "I Am the NRA" at the gun-lovers' annual convention earlier this month in Louisville, Kentucky.

Here's a sample lyric from the NRA's brand-new theme song: "If you hate tyrants and dictators, and are ready to give freedom a whirl, Celebrate the NRA and the shot heard round the world." It should surprise no one that Nugent is now serving his fifth term on the NRA's board of directors. Stream or download the song at Nugent's Web site. (And don't forget his hunting site, either.)

"Ralph Waldo Emerson would be proud," snarks Idolator.

Imagine that - bloggers taking a potshot or two at the Nuge. I love the guy. Not just for "Stranglehold" and "Cat Scratch Fever" - though that would be more than enough - but because he's crazier than a shithouse rat, and rock & roll needs more people like him. Can you imagine how boring music would be if its only social activists were people like John Mayer whining about global warming and Bono crunching a bunch of third-world debt numbers nobody understands?

ABBA: Not safe for microwave use.

While doing some research for an ink-and-paper Press article, I stumbled across the Arrow's song library, which is full of both surprises and songs the station never, ever, ever plays. (That I've heard, anyway.) It's a gold mine of potential lists too, so here's one that almost immediately sprang to mind. Ever notice how many songs demand something of the listener?

In honor of Northern State's appearance at Warehouse Live, Houstoned Rocks is proud to present 10 of the dorkiest and funniest moments in the history of melanin-challenged rap:

1. Here's a dorky guy who can impersonate LL Cool J, Mystikal and Digital Underground:

Touring bands, especially those that haven't graduated to bus level, have a special relationship with Denny's. The roadside restaraunt chain is always open, providing a perfect post-gig spot to sober up on free coffee refills or just get to know the townies a little better. Its locations are often located adjacent to one of one of America's many budget-motel chains - and if that night's crowd was especially light, there's plenty of room in the parking lot to crash in the van.

Now Denny's, having grown fat on bands' per diems for generations, wants a few lucky bands to grow fat in return. It's sponsoring a new promotional campaign called Denny's All Nighter, where visitors to the Web site can choose which bands Denny's will "adopt," in other words give free food to between 10 p.m. and 5 a.m. in exchange for not-at-all-gratuitous Denny's mentions on those bands' Web sites and blogs. Right now Austin indie-rockers the Boxing Lesson are in the lead with 39 percent.

This made me hungry, but not hungry enough to go to Denny's, so instead I thought I'd visit the rock & roll supermarket, and see what sort of meal I might throw together from bands and musicians named after items you might find at your neighborhood Food Lion (if it were still around). Turns out it was a lot more than 10, so I apologize to all those people behind me in line.

It appears our boy Rocket has outdone himself this time. Or did about a decade ago, when according to the New York Post, Clemens began blasting off with third-tier Nashville singer Mindy McCready. Also, McCready was about 15 at the time. Clemens, through his ever-vigilant attorneys, insists she's a "family friend." Ick. This might be the juciest, most unpleasant Southern celebrity affair since Burt and Loni's divorce.

The Post reports Clemens and McCready have had a "close" relationship dating to 1996, when the would-have-been Hall of Famer encountered the underage blonde bombshell - who eventually, um, scored with "Guys Do It All the Time" and "Maybe, Maybe Not" - onstage at a southern Florida karaoke bar. It doesn't get much more redneck than that, y'all. Except when McCready later went to jail for forging an OxyContin prescription and trying to claw her mother's eyes out, and Clemens allegedly had dudes injecting all sorts of suspect chemicals into his rear end.

Anyway, athletes don't dally with entertainers near as often as models and ex-beauty queens, but it does happen. The circumstances generally aren't quite as creepy as Clemens' entanglement, but there is safety in numbers. Right, um, "Rocket"?

Last week we gave you the vegans. This week, the designated drivers:

David Bowie
Eric Dolphy
Davey Havok (also a vegan)
Elton John
Chris Martin

Ted Nugent
Donny Osmond
Jade Puget
Henry Rollins
Gene Simmons

Bryan Adams
Fiona Apple
Cedric Bixler
Geezer Butler
Common

Michael Franti
Robin Gibb
Ben Gibbard (lead singer of Death Cab for Cutie)
John S. Hall (frontman for King Missile)
Davey Havok (singer for AFI)
Chrissie Hynde

Perhaps inspired by Miss Pop Rocks’s ill-fated trips through Wikipedia’s labyrinths of information, I set out this morning to round up a few of the worst tribute bands on YouTube and wound up sidetracked with this little video treatise on the boogie.

So, y’all ready to boogie? I don’t mean disco-boogie, I mean primal one-chord boogie like you’re crab-walking through ninety degree heat in a Mississippi cotton field with a full Mason jar full of corn liquor coursing through your veins and the devil in your soul.

I’m gonna skip over ZZ Top and John Lee Hooker and jump off with some lesser-known lights.

All right, then, let’s go. Hey, it’s Friday, people.

The late, great Harlan Howard, the songwriter behind “Heartaches by the Number,” “I Fall to Pieces,” “Streets of Baltimore” and “Why Not Me” (among countless others), once famously said country music is “three chords and the truth.” And the truth is that many relationships – most relationships, even – just don’t work out. Down Nashville (and Texas) way, some of love’s more spectacular flameouts, real or imagined, have gone on to become among the greatest songs in country-music history. A sampling:

Johnny Cash, “Flushed from the Bathroom of Your Heart”: The Man in Black figured the locked-down audience of 1968’s At Folsom Prison could use a laugh, so he put this tongue-in-cheek treatment of the end of an affair on the record. (“Up the elevator of your future I've been shafted, on the calendar of your events I'm last week.”) If it sounds familiar, that’s because “Flushed” – written by onetime Sun Studios engineer and Rockabilly Hall of Famer “Cowboy” Jack Clement – shares a melody with several other famous country songs: Hank Thompson’s “The Wild Side of Life,” Kitty Wells’ answer “It Wasn’t God Who Made Honky-Tonk Angels” and Roy Acuff’s “The Great Speckled Bird.”

Video (of sorts): over here

George Strait, “All My Ex’s Live in Texas”: Did you honestly think this wouldn’t make the list? King George has been happily married to his high-school sweetheart Norma for, like, ever, but as written by Sanger D. and Lynda Schaefer, Strait’s No. 1 1988 litany of the reasons he’s no longer welcome in Texarkana, Abilene, Galveston and Temple remains one of his best-loved songs. For some reason, his hair looks a little long in this video, though.

Video:

“I Hate U Bitch,” Z-Ro: Z-Ro is at his most vulnerable in this balmy, spring-like guitar and keyboard track. Break-ups are often confusing, and Z-Ro teeters here between tearful rage and pounding your fists into bloody pulp sadness. (Just as effortlessly as he shifts gears from singing and rapping.) There’s a lot more going on here than the typical rap break-up song. For one thing, it’s apparent that his woman snitched on him, causing him a parole violation that sends him to jail. For another, he seems at least as upset about losing contact with his step-children as his woman.

Immortal lines: “Five kids and I fed ‘em all, with more than bread and spreads. Them was my motherfuckers, treated ‘em like sisters and brothers, but some how I fell out of place, fucking with they punk ass mother.”

Fun Fact: I once caught myself singing the “I hate U Bitch” chorus aloud while I was cradling my infant daughter.

Video:

“Dirty Bitch,” Geto Boys: Bushwick rides solo on this bleak number from The Foundation, one of the bitterest break-up tunes in the history of recorded music. As with Z-Ro’s song, there’s more than ring of lived-in authenticity to the lyrics. You’ll want to steer clear of this one unless you really, really hate your ex.

Immortal lines: “Your own momma used to tell me not to fuck wit'cha ass, I messed around and got you pregnant, now I'm stuck wit'cha ass” and “You triflin’ slut, ain't worth a cigarette butt, I shoulda left you where I found you, waitin on a bus.”