Warning: Some of these videos contain very graphic images.
Anyone who knows Rocks Off, even in passing, knows of his fierce JFK assassination obsession. The theories, the scientific data, the literature and the various opinions shooting through the Internet with a lightning-fast velocity are all like catnip to us. We even make the trek up to godforsaken Dallas every year to visit the Grassy Knoll and throw down our own conspiracy theories about JFK's death with what is now a familiar group of fanatics and quasi-academics. For the record, we believe that a high-level conspiracy involving the military industrial complex is at fault, whose goal was to line the pockets of war profiteers and to ensure we stayed in Vietnam.
Oh lord. This could get ugly. Sorry, mom.
When it comes to - ahem - unresolved issues in a relationship, almost nothing is better to help us commiserate, haterate and self-medicate than music. She Said sometimes likes to image what the soundtrack of her life would look like. The songs below would be played during the sappy scenes, where one lover meets another or leaves another.
As tempting as it is for us to hit below the belt (pun intended), we'd like to think of ourselves as a little more mature than that. But also, unlike George Strait, almost none of our exes live in Texas. Lucky for us, they probably aren't reading.
According to an email Rocks Off received from none other than the World Toilet Organization, today is World Toilet Day. We're told it's an "internationally recognized" occasion for drawing attention to the plight of the 2.5 billion people on the planet who lack proper facilities. To this end (heh), they're encouraging people to participate in something called The Big Squat.
Rocks Off's knees aren't what they used to be, so we'll have to pass. You've already seen our sister blog Hair Balls' suggestions for songs to help you pinch a loaf, but we took a different swirl on the matter, if you will. After the jump, a look at songs featuring creative lyrical references to shit, as well as placing each song in a specific category. No need to thank us, it's what we're here for.
One thing that struck He Said while we were making this list was the lack of metal and/or punk rock associated with the women in our past. It's kind of odd that someone so dirty and haggard never dated anyone with a Crass patch on her denim jacket or Misfits tramp stamp. By looking at us, you would think that He Said's past would be riddled with second-hand Suicide Girls and angry bakers like Maggie Gyllenhaal's character in Stranger Than Fiction, ladies who carry knives and break bottles over other peoples heads in bar fights.
Alas, He Said has had the extreme luck to have been in the company of women who are way better than us in most fields. They are all bad-ass chicks with college degrees and the patience of Job to deal with someone whose idea of a nice night out is $10 worth of Popeye's and a Nicolas Cage marathon on TBS.
That said, we apologize for a list that resembles some sort of unholy Top 40 abortion. He Said wouldn't have picked some of these songs if it were our call, but relationships are a team sport, at least in our experience. We're not a fan of a lot of these artists, but it doesn't matter; we're linked for life for better or worse. Besides, we aren't sure if we want to date someone who knows more about Lemmy then we do. If you are mentioned in this list and see us in public, go easy on the face.
Werewolves and vampires have been at each others' throats long before Twilight: New Moon (opening tomorrow) had them making pouty duck-faces at one another. Thankfully, the tradition of the vampire and the werewolf in the art of the music video is a much richer one than the antics of the crybaby douchemobiles in the Twilight series would suggest.
The Kills, "Black Balloon"
This video puts a gritty, almost documentary-style spin on the vampire, which is a refreshing change from the usual glam explosion that attends them. Even as dingy and strung-out as she looks, there isn't a man alive who wouldn't let Alison Mosshart suck on his jugular a while.
It seems that the stranger and weirder our world gets by the day, humanity struggles to find reasons behind all this calamity and tragedy. We try our best to find conclusions to why bad things happen, and when we can't fully fathom that the awful truth is just that, instead try to blame the influence of shadowy forces that supposedly linger in the dark.
In the past 50 years, our society turned away from accepting basic facts and has instead begun to traffic in speculation and hearsay, trumping up careless words until they became part of the greater conversation. Just as people search for new and alternate realities behind the attacks on September 11, various assassinations and even the 1969 moon landing, there are folks who don't see events in rock and roll history in black and white. There are actually people who believe that Ritchie Valens and Buddy Holly were killed in some of government plot to quell that evil rock and roll.
New Moon, the second movie in the Twilight series, hits theaters this week, and even though the trailers alone have us ready to put it on our "Worst of 2009" lists ("Jake! NOOOO!"), there's no denying the movie is going to make more money than an underaged prostitute at a Promise Keepers convention. Midnight screenings are already sold out, and the legions of teens that flocked to the first film are now being joined by their mothers in an uncomfortable display of multi-generational lust we haven't seen since, well, that Chris Brown concert.
Part of the reason for our inability to comprehend the franchise's popularity is the horribly non-vampiric vampires on display. They don't drink human blood, they maximize their immortality by going to high school for a hundred years and they fucking sparkle in sunlight. We've read Sweet Valley High books with more menace. And while almost anybody would be more convincing as a nosferatu than Robert Pattinson and his pouty brethren, we've come up with a few likely contenders from the world of music.
Although we recently discovered how to access the primitive version of Facebook on our non-iPhone (so watch out), Rocks Off generally lives in an Internet-free bubble outside the office. And happily so, so it took until Monday's late local news for us to see - and subsequently laugh our fool heads off at - the video of Houston Oilers Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams going all Hopalong Cassidy with his middle fingers during last Sunday's Titans/Buffalo Bills American football contest.
Naturally, this got Rocks Off to thinking about fingers and birds as deployed in various musical contexts. We did a little digging on the Interwebs and here's what we came up with.
1. This picture of Johnny Cash: Although the Man In Black was country to the bone - and not even wearing black here - some people call this the most famous rock and roll photograph ever taken. Somewhere at home Rocks Off has a T-shirt about two sizes too small featuring this image, supposedly snapped by Jim Marshall before a 1969 Cash concert at California's San Quentin prison (Marshall allegedly told him the next shot was "for the warden"). The photo was famously revived in the late '90s as a full-page ad in several publications after Cash's Unchained won the Grammy for Best Country Album.
If that type is a little hard to make out, it says, "American Recordings and Johnny Cash would like to acknowledge the Nashville music establishment and country radio for your support." Burn!
Rocks Off's local watering hole is frequented by a lawyer named Eugene Lawley, whom we always refer to as our Walker Percy. Lawley has more than a small literary bent - we hardly ever mention a book he hasn't read - and has a fine ear for song lyrics. His sister wrote themes for television and movies. I recently suggested that he put together a list of lawyer songs.
According to Lawley, who works in the title/leases/land end of the oil and gas business, "There aren't many songs actually about lawyers, but there are countless songs about the issues lawyers deal with every day. After all, at any given moment, your average day-to-day lawyer may be dealing with an estate, a divorce, immigration, a criminal matter the court has crammed down his throat, or perhaps something really ugly like civil rights violations, police corruption, or police brutality.
"So things range from the dearly personal to profound systemic abominations. Then you've got lawyers like me that had to quit because we are so idealistic we cannot utter the word "no."
Remote Pleas for Help"Lawyers, Guns & Money," Warren Zevon: "The Holy Trinity; the ultimate cure for anything that ails you."
When He Said began researching the music that came out the year we were born, 1983, we were taken aback by how much of this music has warped, shaped and informed our life. Pretty much all of the albums and bands that were prevalent that year are still on our turntables and playlists. Why just this morning in the shower, we were rocking the first Metallica album while using just this darling facial cleanser we got from Avon. You wouldn't believe how well it invigorates your pores.
Anyway, the year we were born, most people would say the music world was steeped in Michael Jackson, New Edition and the Police. It's funny how popular culture chooses to gloss over the real metal and hardcore potatoes that existed in the '80s. Gaudy Nagel prints on T-shirts and neon headbands sell way better at the mall than leather gauntlets and jean vests, we suppose.
The thing that struck She Said most when researching this list of songs that came out the year we were born (May 1980) was just how much of this music we regularly listen to now. 1980 marked the end of disco, the middle of New Wave and punk, and a damn good time for country music and mopey Brit-rockers. Reagan was about to become president, Communism would fall before we turned 10 years old, and most albums were still released with an A side and a B side. MTV did not even exist yet, something we can barely fathom. We are older than MTV.
Maybe it's because we just finished watching American Psycho, or maybe it's because we're approaching the last six months of our twenties, but She Said has been feeling a lot of '80s nostalgia lately. Below are ten videos from the year of our birth, 1980. Watch them while we go return these video tapes.
Jonathan Espeche (guitar, vocals) and Stephen Anderson (vocals, guitar)
JE: The promise of good times and fun are always used in popular music to sell something because it doesn't challenge people and appeals to their basest sensibilities. Counterfeit happiness is cheap, easy to fabricate, and easy to digest. I don't know about you, but I usually look for a deeper level of expression in music.
I recognize these as songs that strike a chord within and resonate. They're bittersweet like how a stirring scene from a movie can make your eyes well up. They give you goosebumps or send a chill down your spine. You recognize your own emotions in others even when maybe you're hesitant to embrace them yourself. It just depends on whether you let it spur you on or drag you down. Maybe these songs don't that for you, but whatever the case, here's a sampling of some that do for us...
The Verve, "On Your Own"
SA: Sadly, this band is only known here for one song ["Bitter Sweet Symphony"] and considered to be a one-hit wonder, which is shame because Northern Soul is just as good as Urban Hymns. This is the sound of a band falling apart and man is it beautiful. You can hear it in Richard Ashcroft's voice, like his voice just might give out. There is a lot of soul in this song and I don't know if he is singing to his band or to a lover or both.
All this week, Rocks Off is previewing Saturday and Sunday's Westheimer Block Party by asking WBP performers to fill out a list from Lisa Nola's Music Listography book we're so fond of.
Next up, four-fifths of local electro-tinged post-punks the Watermarks choose their favorite duets.
Jessica Brand
My favorite duet, knee-jerk reaction, would have to be PJ Harvey and Thom Yorke singing "This Mess We're In." I love the desperation and the way their voices overlap and tangle like ocean waves. Plus when this came out, I was going through, um, a thing. But I have trouble remembering things about myself, so if you ask me this question tomorrow, I may give you a different answer.
Good news, all you fans of condensed screen versions of self-indulgent Mormon vampire pseudo-erotic clit-tease fantasies: Twilight: New Moon is being released in only eight days. Rocks Off, accustomed to scorn from literary snobs for his steadfast support of the Harry Potter series, actually picked up the first Twilight novel in a Barnes & Noble once, fully expecting to like it.
After the first six pages, however, we were disgusted enough with Bella's asinine, unlikable prattling to unceremoniously shove the book back onto the bookstore shelf, to be purchased by someone with considerably lower standards for their protagonists.
The first movie was just as terrible, if not more so, and the sequel looks only slightly better (they've hired a cinematographer whose color palette extends beyond "grayish"). But here's the thing: the soundtrack is fucking terrific. Godawful movies wind up with amazing soundtracks more often than you might expect, and here are just a few examples.
Crosby Stills & Nash, Crosby Stills & Nash: I used to hate this record when I was a kid, but at some point in my freshman year of college when i was listening to folky, indie-label stuff like Palace and Elliott Smith,. I realized that what i liked so much about those bands were the elements that reminded me of that CSN album I heard so much as a kid. I still listen to that first CSN record regularly.
Marshall Preddy, Vocals/Guitar
From birth until I was almost 6, I lived in Pasadena. And this was the Urban Cowboy heyday, so my dad was a huge fan of the day's country radio hits. I remember loving Johnny Lee, Don Williams, Kenny Rogers, Conway Twitty, and Charley Pride. My dad also bought me my first two cassettes ever, which were the Lovin' Spoonful and the Ventures. I still love all that stuff.
My Mom was more pop-oriented, and she owned a lot of vinyl. She had Blondie, Fleetwood Mac, Eagles, Beach Boys. But my brother and I would always beg her to play us the same 8-track cassette in the stereo of her '79 Mustang: Queen's News of the World.
See the rest of Rihanna's 20/20 interview with ABC News' Diane Sawyer here.
Chris Brown brings his "Fan Appreciation Tour" to town this weekend, leading to several questions. Not the least of which are, "Who the hell is still a fan of this guy?" And, "Will his 'appreciation' of same take some form other than beating the shit out of them in a parked car?"
Brown's assault on Rhianna and his subsequent mealy-mouthing about the incident paint an unkind portrait of the R&B singer, but where does he rank alongside other musicians with a penchant for beating women? Rocks Off has helpfully provided a random sampling of abusive artists for comparison.
All this week, Rocks Off is previewing Saturday and Sunday's Westheimer Block Party by asking WBP performers to fill out a list from Lisa Nola's Music Listography book we're so fond of. It's not too late for your band to be up here, either; just email chris.gray@houstonpress.com by noon Thursday if you want to play.
Next up, neo-classic rock family band Paris Falls' Ray Brown tells us what he likes and doesn't like about music in the movies.
The Circle Jerks' lounge version of "When the Shit Hits the Fan"(Repo Man): Emilio Estevez responds with, "I can't believe I used to like this band." I'm a huge Circle Jerks fan. The scene of them playing is in the background, and I guess an inside joke. You really have to watch. It also has Chuck Biscuits playing in it. He is on my top 5 drummers list. He never recorded with the Jerks, but ended up recording Danzig's first four albums.
All this week, Rocks Off is previewing Saturday and Sunday's Westheimer Block Party by asking WBP performers to fill out a list from Lisa Nola's Music Listography book we're so fond of. It's not too late for your band to be up here, either; just email chris.gray@houstonpress.com by noon Thursday if you want to play.
Next up, in a twist on the evergreen "Desert Island" meme, recent Artist of the Week the Live Lights choose ten albums they'd take with them should they ever leave the Earth's atmosphere. Sounds like they'll have a lot of Thom Yorke to keep them company.
Victor Montemayor, Guitar
Radiohead, OK Computer: I love the way the album flows from start to finish. "No Surprises" is one of my all-time favorite Radiohead songs.
Radiohead, Kid A: It has one of the best opening songs ("Everything In Its Right Place"), for me, on an album I've ever heard.
Radiohead, In Rainbows: I really like how simple the songs are, yet it delivers so much.
The remaining members of Aerosmith yesterday confirmed the news that singer Steven Tyler has left the band, and that they are currently looking for a replacement while Steven pursues glory with "Brand Tyler," whatever the hell that is.
Thought Rocks Off has a hard time imagining anyone who could fill Tyler's stretchy pants and lead the venerable group on another tour as they gamely feign enthusiasm while playing "Sweet Emotion" for the ten-millionth time, we came up with a few candidates who - due to artistic similarities or good timing - might fit the bill.
Axl Rose
Rose's insistence that Guns N' Roses are planning a new tour behind Chinese Democracy - starting in Winnipeg - is like that time your friend talked about this awesome girl he met over the summer. Coincidentally, she was also from Canada. Axl needs to get with a band that will actually get him out on the road and won't automatically bend to his every schizophrenic whim. Besides, don't forget G N' R's bad-ass cover of "Mama Kin" on G N' R Lies.
All this week, Rocks Off is previewing Saturday and Sunday's Westheimer Block Party by asking WBP performers to fill out a list from Lisa Nola's Music Listography book we're so fond of. It's not too late for your band to be up here; just email chris.gray@houstonpress.com by noon Thursday if you want to play. First up are Lake Jackson post-punk art-rockers Fiskadoro.Rich Kimball, guitarRobert Rental: This guy is criminally obscure. I think he played with Daniel Miller's band The Normal for awhile. He made a couple awesome early synth-pop singles in 1979 on Miller's Mute Records. In 1980 he made a great record with Thomas Leer called The Bridge that was released on Throbbing Gristle's label, Industrial Records.
The record hit No. 9 in the UK Indie Charts, and after this he pretty much retired from music, leaving a lean yet incredible discography of music that is influencing electronic musicians to this day. He died in 2000. Kirston from After Party and KTRU's post-punk show needs to donate an hour to this guy.
There are a million songs in the naked [Lone Star] state. Some - okay, most - are boastful, some are introspective and some are merely stupid, as the Austin Lounge Lizards once noted. Whatever the case, all must be subjected to the rigorours scrutiny of the Lone Star Scorecard in order to make sure no one is spreading falsehoods, which would besmirch the honor of the brave settlers who revolted against the Mexican government so they could continue owning slaves.
Chris Rea, "Texas"
Man, England must be really going down the tubes if the Rea family is considering coming to Texas to escape rising tensions at home. Or maybe they just want to move someplace where they can shoot people on their neighbors' property.
He Said was lucky to have spent twenty-five years on Earth with his Grandpa Hlavaty, who passed away in the summer of 2008 of a brain hemorrhage. The man was arguably one of the biggest musical influences in He Said's life. The intrepid and stealthy Grandpa Gonzalez is kicking the around the country somewhere on a sweet motorcycle or driving through the Midwest in his gigantic RV and his chihuahua with Grandma Ana watching a movie in the back.
Seeing that He Said is one-half Hispanic and Czech, he got a crazy mish-mash of accordions and classic country growing up visiting houses in Corpus Christi and the Hlavaty place in Pearland. Meaning that growing up, Hank Williams Sr. and Dwight Yoakam got plenty of spins next to the Nirvana and Devo at home with the parents. It explains way too much and not nearly enough.
She Said has something she wants to admit. Here goes nothing. We... like... country music.
No big deal, right? You wouldn't think so, unless you grew up in a town filled with racist rednecks who thought the glitz of '90s Nashville qualifies for the only music worth listenin' to. She Said rebelled by listening to bands like the Stones and Bikini Kill, cutting off all her hair, and begging her dad to buy her combat boots at the Army Surplus store, which she wore Angela Chase-style with flow-y dresses and moth-devoured cardigans.
So her aversion to country stemmed from a misunderstanding of the genre. Garth Brooks isn't country. Garth Brooks is a pop star. That she learned from our paternal grandfather, Pawpaw, who set her straight by turning her on to the singing cowboy tradition of her home state, Oklahoma. As she got older she learned her grandfather had been a bona fide Rockabilly - he had the loudest hot rod in town, and his two faded forearm tattoos were once harbingers of the boy you wouldn't want to bring home to Daddy.
Kenny Rogers brings his vast collection of hits and the plastic-surgery disaster he calls a face to Jones Hall to perform with the Houston Symphony tonight, and obviously Rocks Off's extremities are sweating profusely in anticipation. Not because he can't wait to hear "She Believes in Me" with full orchestral backup, but because we're such huge fans of his Kenny Rogers Roasters chain of restaurants, featured in one of our favorite Seinfeld episodes.
The Roasters chain is mostly confined to Asia these days, giving the Filipino government a convenient place to dispose of all those avian-flu-infected carcasses. Still, Rogers' return to his hometown got us thinking about other... inspired celebrity products.
Don't act so surprised...
As we can fatefully attest, rock and roll and tattoos go hand in hand. The first time Rocks Off saw a grizzled punk rocker walk by at Fitzgerald's back in the '90s with two sleeves full of tattoos and a chest full of nautical-themed art, we mentally pointed at him and said "That's what we want", and from that day on we were hooked.
Since we started getting tattoos we have seen the world change in regards to how inked people are regarded. They were one or all the following: drug addicts, musicians, mechanics, or jailbirds. We remember a time when tattoo shops weren't huge magnificent buildings with buxom blondes working the front desk with a headset on, like on so many reality shows.
Sometimes the shops we frequented and still frequent don't even have a front desk. The soundtrack wasn't Buckcherry or Kings Of Leon; it was proto-sludge bands like Hawkwind or rock-steady ska in the vein of the Slackers. Also, not everyone has some horrific sob story surrounding each one of their ink spots, like the television would have you believe. There are times when a naked zombie girl straddling Death just looks cool on your arm.
The run-up to the 2009 elections has been quite a letdown compared to the fascinating and occasionally surreal 2008 campaigns. Obviously, there's nothing that can compare to last year's Presidential contests, and the local mayoral race has been less than compelling.
We were going to present this as a list of songs to listen to while waiting in line to vote, but considering that area turnout is estimated to be in the 30 percent range and you'll probably be in and out of the booth in a matter of minutes, think of these as songs to listen to while waiting to see who Bill White endorses in the runoff.
Arcadia, "Election Day"
The most compelling evidence that extraterrestrials have not, in fact, become aware of our existence is this video, because any intergalactic civilization encountering this incomprehensible exercise in 1980s self-indulgence would've been compelled to immediately disintegrate the earth for the good of the universe.
Back in the summer of1997, one couldn't walk out of their house without hearing someone humming, blaring, or damning to Hell that juicy nugget of pop rock that was Hanson's "MMMBop". Depending on your age and gender, you either understood the hooky genius of the song or you were just in love with the boys dreamy locks of hair and gentle Oklahoma-bred smiles. For a moment in time, Isaac, Taylor, and Zac could do no wrong in the eyes of teen girls the world over.
Smug folks dismissed "MMMBop" as pop fluff of the illest repute, forgetting the fact that it was written by three musically-educated teen boys who worshipped artists like the Beatles and Chuck Berry. Insipid as it was at turns, it was also expertly crafted. In a year that gave us the Spice Girls, Aqua's "Barbie Girl", and the Backstreet Boys, it's strange that actual instrumentation was shunned. A few more singles were culled from their Middle Of Nowhere LP over the rest of the year, and the brothers released the requisite Christmas album just in time to cash in on the hype surrounding them.
Let's face it: the Monster Mash blows. So do many of the songs we're forced to suffer through every Halloweentide. A couple of years ago, Rocks Off heard "One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Purple People Eater" on XM Radio's Halloween-themed channel, and wanted to sneak into a haunted house and hang himself just like that urban legend.
We won't put you through that. Instead, we've compiled a playlist of a bunch of songs with spooky themes that won't make you want to hunt down and slap the top hat off Dr. Demento. We've got demons, monsters, werewolves, ghosts, the Devil and more. All you have to do is hit play on the video below and let it run... IF YOU DARE. And there's really no reason you shouldn't - we didn't mean to suggest otherwise.
You have been watching...
We admit, we never thought he had it in him, but apparently the Governator is capable of human cleverness - just like all non-cybernetic organisms. That is, if we accept that the acrostic in this veto message here isn't just a coincidence (read the first letter of each line in the second and third paragraphs).
That's a good one, but this being Rocks Off, we would've preferred Schwarzenegger put his F-U into song form, like these folks.
When Rocks Off started asking local musicians to fill out music-related lists as suggested in Lisa Nola's Music Listography, we never expected to get one like this one from one-man skronk-blues machine Room 101, known to a few select people as Roburt Reynolds. Reynolds, who plays Thursday at the Mink with Digital Leather, the Energy and DJ Psychedelic Sex Panther, and again Friday at the Canvas (708 Telephone Rd.) with Giant Princess, Strictly Buisness, DogHouse and the Dead Leslies, chose to fill out "List Bands You Do NOT Like." All well and good.
But, as you'll soon see, he went a little above and beyond the call of duty. Which is why, of course, we started this in the first place. Enjoy.
1. I don't like bands of military officers trained at The School of the Americas (Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation). They are involved and engaged in committing decades of human rights violations, torture, murder, indigenous massacres, indigenous displacement, corrupt, brutal, and puppeteered governments, and the destruction of REAL humanity (from the Atlacatl in El Salvador to the current regime in Honduras). These bands of military officers have been trained by United States and International Military personnel on United States soil (Fort Benning, Georgia) for over 60 years.
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