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Soundgarden: Not appearing on this list, ever.

In about 12 hours or so, the editor of Rocks Off expects to be a very happy man. One of our favorite bands of all time, and one that we haven't seen live in almost 17 years, is playing tonight at Bayou Music Center: Soundgarden.

Certainly Soundgarden has a lot to recommend them. Guitarist Kim Thayil can grind out riffs so abrasive and sludgy they practially make sparks shoot out of the strings, but he can also get into some pretty mystical soloing territory. The bass and drums combine to create a hulking sonic dreadnought, but let's be real here: lots of '90s bands did that.

What set Soundgarden apart was singer Chris Cornell's ungodly wail of a voice, a sexy shriek that made him the grunge era's natural heir to Robert "Big Log" Plant. Impressively, it's hardly lost a hint of its range or banshee-like force in the years between the band's previous studio album Down On the Upside (from 1996) and last year's fairly triumphant return King Animal.

Thus Cornell is our own personal choice for the greatest rock singer of the '90s. Of course there are others -- that Cobain guy, L7's Donita Sparks, the Afghan Whigs' Greg Dulli was always a personal favorite. (And R.I.P. Layne Staley.) So of course we thought about ranking our choices for that decade's best vocalists, but decided... nah. We'd much rather throw some shade on the people we didn't like all that much even when they were "popular."

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It's no longer a secret that I hold a deep disdain for most of the hipster music that runs across my desk. I try to give it a fair shot, but I just can't get into it. And a ton of it has come across my desk as of late, further igniting that fire of dislike while leaving me to wonder just what my problem is with that junk.

Rewind:

Hipster Garbage: The Indie Band Drinking Challenge, Round 1

So this is the second part to that illustrious blog you read yesterday about how I tortured my good friends into trying to drink away my hipster-music pain. Yep, I'm a certifiable asshole, in case you hadn't come to that conclusion on your own.

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Here's the deal. A lot of hipster garbage music lands on my desk. I want to try to like it, I really do. I listen to the streaming albums these artists send, and try not to giggle when they're dressed like bearded trees or sporting gender-bending granny clothing in a bid to look the part, but it's pretty absurd at this point. Despite the attempt by said bands at being so painfully different, it's becoming easy as hell to spot them.

These bands are also all beginning to sound like the next one; what used to be a distinctive use of layered vocals with a smattering of distortion has become pure, unadulterated junk. There's nothing original about it anymore -- every. Single. Hipster. Band is using the same technique. And not only are they using the same template for their albums, the majority of these albums are just not very good.

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Photo by Marco Torres

You know the hardest conversation I've ever had in regards to music criticism? The one about Lauryn Hill.

It feels as if every time the former Fugees star reappears into public form, there needs to be a hefty, long-form "think piece" about her and her 1998 album The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. It's arguably the one single album people will not only trumpet its greatness, but literally attempt to chop the heads off of anyone who says otherwise.

Feel free to come at my head, but it's not really a classic. A good album? Yes, even a great one. But it's the initial sign that, post-Fugees, Hill believed in her own greatness far more than the opinion of someone who could have easily reined her in.

And we cannot blame anyone other than ourselves for allowing it to happen.

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Traffic, traffic, lookin' for my Chapstick...

Marconi, Tesla, Steve Jobs and some other folks we rarely mention should be elevated to hero status for creating the means and devices we turn to while spending hours in traffic.

Groups that geek out on such stats suggest at least ten percent of Americans spend about 90 minutes a day behind the wheel on the way to and from work. That time can explode exponentially in a city full of inattentive drivers and nonchalant road crews.

Thankfully, we have music to ease the pain of bottlenecks and unexpected detours. More often than not, it does its job and whisks us off to a better time and place than parked in the shadow of an F150, pondering its dangling set of "truck nuts."

But occasionally a song will actually aggravate matters. If "matters" are already bordering on a Michael Douglas-Falling Down-bazooka attack on gridlock, the following songs should quickly be skipped in favor of sports talk or a podcast.

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So somewhere along the line, a very strange, slightly racist, and incredibly awkward brainchild -- aptly named "Accidental Racist" -- appeared to Brad Paisley and LL Cool J. Instead of shoving that idea into the box labeled "Hell no," they decided to record it and put it out into the universe for all to hear.

Yep, you heard that right. A song, called "Accidental Racist," recorded by Brad Paisley and LL Cool J, does indeed exist and is included on Paisley's new album Wheelhouse (out today). And no, it's apparently not a widespread public swatting. It is a very real thing, with very real lyrics, and it's on Paisley's new album, Wheelhouse. Still don't believe me? See the proof below, in all of its six minutes of glory.

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In the most recent instance of things that never needed to happen, ever, Andrew W.K. has joined forces with Playtex -- maker of all things Tampon-tastic -- to bring you "Fresh + Sexy Wipes," an intimate cleansing wipe for your nether regions to help you feel (I'd presume) fresh and sexy before and after you knock the ol' boots.

And no, this is not an ill-timed April Fool's Day joke. This exists in real life. Mr. W.K. is stoked to have taken the crotch-wipe gig, too.

"Whether you just finished rocking a packed club or have an intimate encounter after a busy day, this product will make couples feel brand new," he wrote in a statement. "Fresh + Sexy Wipes were specially designed to help couples feel confidently clean, before and after they engage in sexual activity!"

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24 seasons and over 500 episodes in, the Simpsons has established itself in the domain of pop culture for good, regardless of where and when you believe the show began a downward trend in quality. One thing that has kept it alive this long is that in lieu of writing stories focused on the central Simpson family or even the supporting cast, the show has become a sort of guest-star mill, featuring whatever flavor-of-the-week celebrity will agree to appear on the show.

That means a lot of musicians have shown up on there as well. In fact, the Simpsons has long been renowned for featuring some of the greatest musicians of all time in some of the greatest scenes in the show's history. All three Beatles and Michael Jackson have shown up in the past to wide critical acclaim.

But in recent years, music has become sort of a blight on the show. In ratings-grab stunt-casting, the show has featured some awful musician cameos that have embarrassed all parties involved. These are the five worst the series has ever featured.

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Folks, recently one of my longest-awaited moments in music came to fruition: Pete Wentz, Fall Out Boy bassist and songwriter, finally decided to release his full-length prose narrative Gray. He first mentioned it seven years ago, and now we finally have our hands on the book.

With the recent reunion of Wentz's band, the book could not have come out with better timing. But truly, nothing could excite me more than reading the masterful writing of one of the greatest lyrical masterminds of our time. But could the novel possibly live up to the brilliance of songs penned by Wentz such as "Sugar We're Goin' Down," "I'm Like a Lawyer the Way I'm Always Tryng to Get You Off" and "Thnks fr th Mmrs?"

Unfortunately, to quote the Fall's "Cruiser's Creek," we only have this excerpt. It would be wrong for me to judge a book based on reading only an excerpt, especially when I could very easily simply buy the book, but that wouldn't be nearly as easy and fun.

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When I first heard about Macklemore, it was through the word of mouth surrounding the craze over his video for the song "Thrift Shop." Memes make stars these days, and the kitschy, comedic video and song about wearing clothes from Goodwill really struck a chord with my young, hipster peers.

I was finally forced to listen to the damn song, just to understand what everybody was freaking out about, and in doing so, I stumbled upon a terrible secret Macklemore and his partner in crime Ryan Lewis have been hiding from all my friends and erstwhile hipsters around the world: He's not really that good.

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