Who The Eff Is The Ron River?: A Journey Into The Heart Of The Two Americas Of Bon Iver

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Justin Vernon of Brand Ever winning Best New Artist at last night's Grammy ceremony.
​"Who the fuck is Bon Iver" went the story last night on Twitter as indie musician and soft-spoken beardo Justin Vernon's Bon Iver project won a Best New Artist Grammy. Never mind that the man has been on the scene since 2008's For Emma, Forever Ago, but it still seemed to be deserved. Last year's self-titled release was one of the most lauded, with appearances in most end-of-year lists.

It was the fiery anger of the Twitterverse that amused us the most -- sorry for the mass of retweets folks, you know you were giggling loud enough to scare the neighbors -- with attitudes ping-ponging from resignation to accusations of outright racism. Bon Iver won out over J. Cole and Nicki Minaj, plus Skrillex and The Band Perry. Vernon is a bearded white gentleman, you see.

Almost immediately, Bon Iver turned into Ron Iver, Ron River, Bahn Ever, Banh Iver, Tron Iver....OK, I made that one up, but still. You would think after seeing his name on the screen for at least a minute...but no. Earlier in the evening, the Bon Iver album won for Best Alternative Music Album as well, but there was less balking, obviously.

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In Ten Years, Will Indie Be Remembered Like Nu-Metal?

Categories: Whatever

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​What exactly do you remember from the summer of 2002?

Stop and think -- of the music on the radio, the CDs you were most excited for, who won the Grammy for Best Album, and so on. What exactly stands out from 10 years ago?

If you find that your answer is "Not much," then you're probably like the rest of us: Lost in a haze of fading pop stars, trends and one-hit wonders that we momentarily conjure up every time an adult-alternative radio station spins a classic from the oughts.

It's difficult, we know. But for a moment, transport yourself to a time where Lady Gaga doesn't rule the world; a time where Dave Matthews has hit records; where Chad Kroeger isn't the most despised man in America and where rappers still... well, rap.

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5 Places I'd Rather Play Than Saturday Night Live

Categories: Whatever

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​Recently I returned to being an active musician, and that is peachy with a side of keen. Like most musicians, I'm a day dreamer who spends his bathtub time answering in-depth questions from imaginary hot, red-headed music journalists about the undeniable genius of my art. Also returning are the ever-present dream gig musings.

Since I was a kid, the dream gig was always Saturday Night Live. I can't even tell you how many great new artists I discovered on SNL, but in the last several years I've watched the show most weeks and seen only two, Adele and Beck, who really wowed me. The rest were quite forgettable.

Clearly, SNL isn't the place it once was when it comes to musical brilliance. This lead me to seek a new dream gig. Here's the top five places I'd rather get showcased than SNL.

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The Sound of Flight: 6 Local Musicians That Could Announce Flights at Houston Airports

Categories: Whatever

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Hobby Airport
​On Tuesday, Seattle-Tacoma International Airport announced that they will be launching a new program to promote awareness of music native to their region, wherein famous musicians from the area will announce safety procedures and give informational speeches on the airport. In return, the airport will play the artists' music and show segments highlighting their careers.

The musicians they chose to represent themselves were such famous and understandable choices as Quincy Jones, Pearl Jam, and Death Cab for Cutie's Ben Gibbard, as well as baffling choices including Sir Mix-A-Lot, whose highlight segment will most likely consist entirely of the music video for "Baby Got Back," as well as perhaps some of the parodies of the song used in commercials over the years.

This is a great idea to bring some exposure to local music, to inspire pride in the citizens for what brilliant music their region has produced and to make travelers passing through the airport aware that all these things came from the Seattle and Tacoma area. It's an idea that could be implemented in the Houston area to great effect at our two major airports. After all, Houston has produced some amazing artists over the years and is often overlooked for its contributions to the music world.

But who would be chosen to represent Houston to the world at large? I've made myself the judge of that and decided who I would get to do Houston's very own airport musician voiceovers, picking three smaller names for the smaller Hobby Airport and breaking out three big guns for Bush Intercontinental.

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Golden Throats: Rock Star Health Care in 2012

Categories: Whatever

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​Last June, current radio darling Adele was forced to cancel a large portion of her North American tour, disappointing scores of twenty-something year old easy-listeners in the process.

The culprit? Laryngitis -- the age-old bugaboo of vocalists and recording artists.

The diagnosis seemed relatively cut and dry for the British songstress, but after closer attention from her doctors, the pesky case of Laryngitis proved more serious. In early October, reps from Adele's camp reported her conditioned had significantly worsened, and that a vocal chord hemorrhage threatened her career if not treated immediately.

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Why 50 Cent Should Consider Retirement

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Interscope
​I was in college when Get Rich or Die Tryin' dropped. You couldn't go anywhere without hearing "In da Club"-- house parties, techno clubs, AA meetings, everywhere. My friends used to sit around and debate 50's feud with Ja Rule. Anyone brave enough to take Ja's side was ridiculed to death. 50 Cent was king.

Oh, how quickly things change. The 50 Cent of today isn't the 50 Cent of 2003. This 50 would give his left nut to regain top dog status. After a slew of disappointing outings, he's been trying to claw his way back to the top, resorting to petty feuds and Twitter stunts (airing dirty laundry, betting dick pics) to stay relevant. Is it time for Fif to put down the microphone? Is Ed "Too Tall" Jones too tall?

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Bruce Springsteen's New Single and a Preemptive Review of His Upcoming Album

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​Like any red-blooded American rock and roll fan, I am looking forward to the next year to be filled with Bruce Springsteen. The man has a new album, Wrecking Ball, coming on March 6, a massive tour in the planning stages, and he's set to be the keynote speaker at this year's South By Southwest in Austin in March. Last night around midnight, the first single "We Take Care Of Our Own" dropped onto his official site and the Internet.

As I type this, my right leg is tapping in time under my desk to the new single, like I'm Max Weinberg's foot wrecking a kick pedal live in concert as the band strikes up the song to open a show.

The single is your typical patriotic Boss anthem, all sweat, wonderful promise, and just the right amount of Americana references. It's almost mathematical at this point. The only thing the song is missing, is a big raunchy Clarence Clemons sax solo somewhere in the middle of the four-minute cut. Rest in peace, Big Man.

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5 Most Needless Song Updates

Categories: Whatever

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​We got into rock journalism from being a local musician, so we understand both sides of the industry pretty well. We've recorded songs that later-on we wish we'd done very differently, and the temptation to go back and re-try for perfection can be very overpowering. Take it from us, though, do not freakin' do it. There is almost no way you're going to accomplish what you set out to do.

Of the many who've tried, here are the five worst offenders.

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Trite Wedding: 5 Ceremony Song Suggestions That Aren't Your Usual Crap

Categories: Whatever

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​Rocks Offs day job is as a clerk in a sheet music store, and this is the time of year when a lot of people start coming in to buy sheet music for their weddings. Frankly, it's one of the most monotonous parts of the job. 99 percent of the people pick the same, unimaginative pieces over and over again for the sake of tradition. They'll pick up Pachelbel's "Canon in D," Bach's "Jesus, Joy of Man's Desiring," Handel's "Water Music," the "Ave Marias," and the two wedding marches.

Sure, those traditional pieces have there place, but how about a little originality here? There are millions of songs in the world that would make good ceremony tracks. You don't have to play everything your mom had at here wedding. How about...

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Five on Five: Fender vs. Gibson, Who Had the Better Players?

Categories: Whatever

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​For guitar players, it's an age old question: are you a Fender guy or a Gibson guy? Over the years since both companies became popular in rock music, many other guitar manufacturers have made inroads, but none have been able to surpass the power and tradition of these two giants in the guitar industry.

Gibson is generally consider the beefier and less genteel of the two, built for volume and distortion, particularly the Les Paul and SG models. They have semi-hollow body guitars and even acoustics used across the spectrum of music, but when most think of Gibson, they think of rock and roll.

Fender tends to make lighter instruments, both in tone and in physical weight, but it hasn't lessened their impact. The Stratocaster and Telecaster are two of the most prominent guitar models in the world and have been played by some of the greats in rock and roll.

So, that leaves us with a barn burner of a showdown. Instead of trying to rifle through dozens of different guitarists, some who played both brands (shocking!), I decided to narrow it down to ten guys generally known for the brand. All of them have, at one point or another, tried their hand at a variety of instruments, but they are iconic on one or the other.

Let the battle begin.

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