Five Animals That Make Damn Good Musicians

Categories: Whatever

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Richard William Laws via Wikipedia
No, not those Animals...
Several things separate human beings from the rest of the animals. We can put them in Halloween costumes and they can't put us in ones, we have smartphones, and there's the whole food-chain thing as well.

Music, however, is not one of those things unknown to the animal kingdom. Sometimes they turn out to be pretty damned good, and today we look at a few of the best.


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Five Forgotten Band-Based Video Games

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Back when I was a lad, I remember borrowing a SEGA Genesis in order to play Michael Jackson's Moonwalker and thinking there was nothing odd about it in the slightest. It was a tie-in game to a hit film starring one of the greatest American musicians of all time near his critical peak; putting that in a video game is a license to print money.

However, it was nothing new. Musicians have been putting their stamps of approval on video games featuring their likenesses since the medium was founded. It's just that most people never hear about them. For instance, did you know about...


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The 10 Best Musician-Based Pinball Tables

Categories: Whatever

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Internet Pinball Database
I am a devoted video-game fan and a constant cheerleader for them to be considered art, but honestly I would give up most of the compelling stories and high-definition graphics in the world for the simple pinball machines. They're crafted and mechanical, and when done with a loving hand can turn almost anything into a game of skill that homages your favorite pop-culture icon.

It's like themed slot machines, but with less crying...usually.

Today we look at some of the tables that have been based on our favorite musicians.


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Pop Music Needs Lady Gaga, Lady Gaga Needs an Editor

Categories: Whatever

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Photo by Marco Torres
Art is subjective. We all know this, and then we proceed to try and stick art into black and white, good and bad distinctions because art also makes us all irrational. This is especially true on the Internet, where middle ground seems to be nonexistent and if you happen to disagree with someone, not only are you wrong, but you're a troll.

It's hard to understand what makes people so irrational about Lady Gaga.

Consider the following: ARTPOP, her third album, has sold 2.5 million copies worldwide.

One side will look at that number and say, "See, she has tons of loyal fans who wants to buy her records!" The other side will say, "See, she's not as popular as she used to be and her career will soon die a fiery death!" The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.


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InfoWars Thinks Katy Perry & Kesha Are Illuminati Witches

Categories: Whatever

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And on the pedestal these words appear -- "My name is Katy Hudson, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Look, I'm not a fan of Kesha and Katy Perry. Aside from possibly the greatest Bob Dylan cover ever the former is a musical cardboard cutout that collects fans' teeth to make jewelry, and the latter is one of the reason no one likes white people. When Snoop Dogg looks embarrassed to be in your music video you have hit a new low, because Snoop deleted that emotion decades ago and had to re-download it from some kind of spiritual iCloud just to feel it again.

That said, they are famous, and justly so, because they sing catchy songs. Terrible songs, true, but catchy as hell. I can sing the chorus of every Katy Perry song I have ever heard and know all of "Take It Off" by heart after only hearing it twice. As earworm conduits. they get full marks and all my respect. I would certainly never claim that they won their place through a vast Illuminati conspiracy.

But then again, I'm not InfoWars, who believes that the actions of these two young women are honestly part of the dreaded New World Order. That's right; Alex Jones is apparently living inside the plot of the Josie and the Pussycats movie and thinks it was a documentary.


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Five Badass Things You Didn't Know About Kenny G

Categories: Whatever

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Photos by Craig Hlavaty
Kenny G sells this poster at his concerts because why the hell wouldn't you?
Today is the 58th birthday of one Kenneth Gorelick, better known to the world as Kenny G. Now, when I say the name Kenny G you probably picture a man whose smooth jazz saxophoning is perfect for the uptight squares of the world, but who simply cannot hang with the truly badass musicians that you like. He's all right for a lame guy, right?

Well, get ready to have your minds blown, because Kenny G is several shades more awesome than you would ever believe.


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The Seven Best Godzilla Songs NOT by Blue Oyster Cult

Categories: Whatever

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It's that time again. The King of Monsters is back on the big screen, and I plan to see it at the absolute first opportunity because if there's anything I love more than giant monsters destroying things it's GIANT MONSTERS DESTROYING THINGS! Can't help it. It's the four-year-old in me that refuses to believe any film can be better than Godzilla 1985.

Brief aside...if they'd made that film one year earlier they could have had Godzilla attacking the Big Brother government, and you can tell me that would be stupid all you want but I should warn you I go completely deaf with wrong people talk.

So, OK. Godzilla is now in theaters, and I'm on my way to see it. We need some tunes to accompany the drive, and to that end I present you a list of Godzilla songs that are not that one everyone knows by Blue Oyster Cult. Nope, we're going to celebrate properly with deep cuts on this one. Strap in.


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One Writer's Most Profound Musical Man-Crushes

Categories: Whatever

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Photo by Jim Bricker
Childish Gambino at House of Blues last month
The Man Crush. It's what made John Wayne an American icon. When The Duke was riding, it wasn't entirely acceptable for another man to admit an overwhelming fondness for him or his true grit. But, c'mon -- those movie theaters screening his films weren't exactly teeming with women.

Nowadays we men are much freer to acknowledge there's something we admire so deeply about, say, George Clooney. We just wanna hang with him, gabbing over whiskeys and staring deeply into that woman-slaying grin all afternoon.

Look, I'm an old, happily married, hetero male who is entirely comfortable admitting there's something about guys like Humphrey Bogart and Bruce Willis that I find extraordinarily appealing. No shame in my game. And women do this sort of thing all the time -- and have for a while now -- because they're typically not so insecure or foolish as to attach sexuality to every semblance of admiration for someone, male or female. It's nice to see us XYs catching up.


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Five Fictional Musicians We'd Like to See Onstage

Categories: TV Party, Whatever

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Yes, that's Dr. Gregory House on piano...and harmonica!
Ricky Gervais is a man on a mission. After seeing his own musical dreams go up in smoke back in the '80s, when the failure of his little-known New Wave group Seona Dancing thrust him towards comedy, Gervais wants to make the musical dreams of his fictional character David Brent (from the UK version of The Office) a reality.

That means playing rock shows with Brent's band Foregone Conclusion. No, that's not a joke. You can really go see Gervais in London playing David Brent fronting a rock band. That got me to thinking, though. While I'd rather hear Gervais tell jokes than sing, I came up with a few fictional musicians I'd actually like to see onstage.


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Only Google Knows Musicians' Darkest Secrets

Categories: Whatever

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Have you ever Googled something only to find that their autofill feature suggests some really strange stuff? This has been the source of Tumblr blogs and memes alike. It has also been the reason many a person has lost faith in humanity, seeing ridiculous questions on obvious subjects. Just type "why" in there for maximum hilarity.

I decided to check out what some of the suggestions were for some of the more popular musicians around. If you've ever read YouTube comments on their videos, you'd know that people can come up with the absolute dumbest ideas and questions about musicians, and thankfully Google didn't disappoint.


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