The 10 Best Chopped & Screwed Holiday Songs

Categories: Holidaze

Indi Samarajiva via Flickr
Getting into the high holidays with chopped & screwed Christmas tunes.
The chopped and screwed Christmas mixtape should be a staple of any H-town holiday party. You can't expect everyone to share the same taste for slowed-down grooves, but since the concept was birthed (R.I.P DJ Screw), it's only right to apply it to our holiday treasures.

There's nothing new about cranking down the BPMs on the holiday classics. A few proper Christmas mixtapes are floating around the Internet. And while not everyone can claim to be authentically chopped and screwed, we can appreciate hearing the same boring songs that play while you shop at Target in a new way.

So here are the ten best chopped and slowed down Christmas songs we found to enjoy this holiday season.

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10 Badass Anti-Holiday Songs For Your Grinchy Side

Know what's infinitely better than songs about jingle bells and Santa and holly? Songs about hating jingle bells and Santa and holly.

Face it: Christmas music sucks. And no matter how hard you try, it's impossible to keep from being inundated by it. It's impossible to avoid department stores, drugstores, grocery stores, or the friggin' gas station for the entire month of December, and all of those places seem hell-bent on assaulting our eardrums with Mariah Carey's Christmas vibrato.

So should you be suffering from the dreaded Christmas music overload, perhaps you should delve into some of these anti-holiday songs instead. Their utter disdain for holly could be the perfect remedy for what ails ya.

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"I'll Be Stoned for Christmas" Argues for Keeping Weed Illegal

Categories: Hipsters, Holidaze

Photos courtesy of Force Field PR
You know what, maybe weed shouldn't be legalized after all.
So that photo happened, apparently at the hands of a dude named Dent May. And not only is he the culprit for the worst Christmas photo known to man, but his holiday-themed song is a little foggy, too.

And yes, we remember that awful Mariah Carey earworm. "I'll Be Stoned For Christmas" lights that one up.

Described in the press release as having "the restless musical mind of a DIY pop auteur," May supposedly "investigates life's timeless mysteries, touching on youth, mortality, alienation and unrequited love with startling honesty and humor." The song does indeed sound kinda funny -- especially considering May's self-proclaimed funnybone -- but we're not that amused.

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The Smart Music Fan's Guide to Black Friday

Categories: Holidaze

Photo by John Henderson, Flickr Commons
Don't let this happen to you.
If you had to navigate a dense Christmas tree forest just to buy Halloween candy or recognized "Holly Jolly Christmas" slowly seeping into the store like a poisonous gas weeks ago, then you know the horror of the holiday shopping season is in full swing.

Like any good slasher flick, there's an apex scene of terror to these proceedings, the brutality-filled moment that all the back story and early suspense leads up to. This culmination of fear, blood and human depravity is better known as Black Friday.

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The 10 Best Songs for Jilted Lovers

Skley via Flickr
Let's be honest here: Valentine's Day is the most annoying, garbage holiday ever invented. It's such cloying BS, a day where corporations literally victimize the entire population of U.S. single people into feeling bad for being single, and scare the hell out of those who are in relationships lest they feel like they "haven't done enough" for the big day.

It's a fucking fiasco, and doesn't celebrate love in any form. It celebrates candy, flowers and the color red. If you hate all that as much as I do, these are ten songs you'll probably enjoy because they're full of the vitriol and venom that this holiday instills in us all, whether we want to admit it or not.

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10 Sexy Christmas Songs to Stuff Your Chimney Right

Note: This is one of Rocks Off's favorite holiday-themed blogs we've ever run, and it's still fresh today. Pardon the pun, and enjoy!

The approach of Christmas presents a number of dilemmas. Should you put the moves on that hot co-worker at the holiday party? Is now really the best time to come out to your heavily Pentecostal family? And what brand of top-shelf vodka best drowns out the drone of your in-laws and the shrieks of your cousins' children?

Rocks Off has your answers: 1. Yes; 2. Of course; 3. Trick question; use scotch. But that's only because we want to address a bigger issue. Musically speaking, the holiday season sucks. It's six weeks of the same carols you grew weary of 20 years ago and "Father Christmas" by the Kinks. People wonder why so many people kill themselves in the month of December - it's because they can't handle "O Come All Ye Faithful" one more goddamned time.

But if you're like us, you can't deny your baser urges. Our desire to hear the nasty stuff doesn't just go away between Thanksgiving and New Year's. What are the options for discerning listeners who want to reconcile their love of sleazy music with the holidays? Allow us to offer the following suggestions.

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Blue Christmas: A Love Story

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Photo by Marco Torres
This is a love story. I'd like to think that it's still being written, although the reality is that the last chapter may have already been recorded. First things first: I caused this. I hurt her. And now we are no longer united. It was a beautiful thing, our love. Still is. But not all love stories have happy endings.

I once saw the phrase "Love Stories Suck" on the street when I was traveling. Although I quickly and angrily posted it on Instagram and wanted to believe that to be true, my heart told me otherwise. Not all of them suck. I had hope for mine then, and still hold onto hope even now.

Music is, or was, a big part of our relationship. From concerts to car rides to streaming audio, it was more than just background noise to us. We cherished music in our own way, and shared quite a few of our favorite songs with one another. We could constantly send each other new tracks as we discovered them, their lyrics describing us sometimes too perfectly.

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10 Frightfully Festive Goth Christmas Carols

Categories: Holidaze

Note: In a new holiday tradition, Rocks Off would like to re-present to our readers this 2011 blog of the blackest Christmas songs we would find.

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Dude, religious Christmas is pretty macabre. All kinds of scandal, sex with a ghost, strangers bringing mystical gifts, and everyone predicting this young couple's baby's death like its glorious wonderful thing. Oh and a decree to slaughter all male babies the next day... what could be more goth?"

-- Kassi Gooch

Far be it from us to argue with Kassi. Some people say that depression rates go up during the holidays, and they're wrong. It's just that incidents of goth occur more frequently. So for your listening pleasure we've put together a special playlist so that Santa knows to drop off some boots and stuff with ankhs on it this year. A little black tape for a blue Christmas, if you catch our drift.

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Five Christmas Songs That Will Totally Bum You Out

Categories: Holidaze

Note: This article originally appeared in December 2010. Rocks Off brought it back for all you grinches out there. Happy Festivus!

Flickr Commons/Public Domain
5. Steve Earle & Emmylou Harris, "Christmas In Washington"
Steve Earle recounts how he felt while we were gearing up to (sort of, almost, kind of, not really) elect George W. Bush for the first time. He begs Woody Guthrie, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King and other defenders of the downtrodden to come back from the grave - we assume not as zombies -- and keep us safe from the union busters, the railroad barons and the warmongers who would spend the next eight years running roughshod over the Constitution.

Hmm... come to think of it, it might have been an easier job for some zombies. Earle's foreboding seems almost prophetic in hindsight, as Clinton was still president when he wrote the song, but then again it's not hard to prognosticate that Republicans will sell the country to corporations, persecute every minority without enough money to buy them off, and bomb the shit out of foreign brown people.

Even so, that makes Steve Earle one of the first to write a "we're all fucked" song in relation to that time period, so kudos for that.

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The 12 Bars of Christmas and Then Some

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photos by Marco Torres
"I'm too pretty to look like a devil!"
-- the gentleman in the photo above

Christmas is only two days away. Another year full of laughs and cries and cheers and tears. A year spent with family and friends is never a bad one. And when the time for visiting family is done, once the dishes are in the sink, and the Christmas tree is lit, that's the best time to party.

The holiday weekend before Christmas is always full of ugly sweaters, events named with a cute holiday pun, and winter spice flavored everything. For those who live out of town and come home to Houston for the week, these few days after landing but before the family obligations is like a "Get Out of Jail Free" pass. As the great American poet A$AP Rocky states: "Go wild for the night, fuck being polite!"

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