Heckler's Delight: R. Kelly at Reliant Arena

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Sorry, we couldn't resist...
King of R&B. Ghostwriter supreme. Pop genius. Unabashed sex fiend. Bump 'n' grind horndog. Acquited pedophile. Ultimately, history will decide whether or not R. Kelly deserves some, all, or any of these labels, but here are two facts that aren't in dispute: 1) the guy has written and produced some of the sauciest, raunchiest, funniest songs in recent memory, and 2) that June's The Demo Tape mixtape - Kells' first - was an unforgivable piece of garbage.

Since doing his fanbase a solid with 2007's Double Up, Kells has been busy (improbably) beating a child sex-abuse rap and polishing the oft-delayed Untitled, due out December 1. Now he's embarked on a full-scale tour, which means his road crew will have to do tons of trim coordination and that you, the R. Kelly ticket holder, must exercise your unalienable right to demand unrealistic song covers during the show. Here are a few suggestions:

Leona Lewis, "Bleeding Love"

Doesn't matter that this is a no-frills, no-kink pop song about a lover's distress originally sung by a British songbird. Kells could kill this, just totally knock it out of the park. Obviously, "bleeding" could be swapped out for "skeeting," completely and utterly warping and tarting up the core message of the tune.

Heckler's Delight: Eternal Adolescent Punks The Queers

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Singer/guitarist Joe "Joe Queer" King is the sole constant in The Queers, a pop-punk concern that's closing in on the big 3-0 and has shed more members than your dog's had fleas. As the name suggests, this band is pretty much about acting retarded, girls, acting retarded and girls; did we mention acting retarded and girls?

If you've heard any Screeching Weasel or Mr. T Experience albums, you get the idea, and already know whether or not this is your scene. Much like Bad Religion, Rancid and NOFX - all of whom would probably be aghast at the comparison we're about to make - The Queers are one of those cultural propositions that makes sense for a year or two, until one outgrows them without realizing it and is left wondering "Why did this shit ever matter to me so much?"

Heckler's Delight: D-12

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Lewd, crude, and equal-opportunity rude, Detroit's D12 are as nasty as they wanna be. Boasts about audicious rapes. Graphicly vicious psycho killer rhymes. Gratuitious brown-LSD overdose fantasies.

Extreme as the rundown nightmare metropolis they hail from, D12 are to rap what psychedlic acid-gobbling bands are to rock and roll, with a gruesome Friday the 13th twist. As the late Proof - Detroit hip-hop legend and Eminem hypeman/buddy - bragged on "Pistol Pistol," "I'm the hot nigga that's gonna put hell out of business."

Did D12 put hell out of business? Not quite, but they sure as heck tried. And now the surviving crew - Swifty, Bizarre, Kon Artis, Kuniva, and superstar/token white-boy/recovering addict Eminem - are touring in advance of a forthcoming third album.

One suspects that they won't be in the mood for the sort of song suggestions that Heckler's Delight advocated, but screw 'em: if you put down ducats for a ticket, you've got every right to capitalize on between-banger lulls to yell requests. Here are a few ideas.

Heckler's Delight: Robin Thicke

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Who'd have imagined that Alan Thicke - he of Growing Pains fame - would sire a son who would grow up to be a multiplatinum R&B star? Not us, but we're sure glad he did. Robin Thicke's sultry vocal stylings are modern urban radio staples, with "Lost Without You" and "Magic" charting and dampening the undergarments of many a sweet, swooning young thing. He's the George Clooney of pop, and he'll be melting hearts and inspiring vivid masturbation fantasies May 17 Reliant Arena - a date Rocks Off only recently learned was rescheduled from tonight.

If you've got tickets, you're probably really excited about that. But what if you're mean-spirited? What if you want to toss a monkeywrench into Thicke's well-oiled gears? What if you smuggled a megaphone and a wishlist into Reliant? More importantly, what songs could you, now with a few extra days to mull them over, insist that Thicke cover? Below are a few choice suggestions.


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