The 10 Best Reasons Rick Ross Won't Play Houston

Photo by Marco Torres
Rick Ross at his last known Houston appearance in October 2010
Good ol' Rick Ross didn't bother to show up for a Houston concert -- yet again. This time it was at Houston Beer Fest. Last time? Bayou Music Center. The time before? Hell, does it even matter?

The bottom line is Ross must have some sort of reason he keeps canceling tour dates here, right? After all, who wouldn't love our city? Well, other than him.

In order to explain the unfortunate circumstances in which Ross keeps canceling his Houston tour dates, we've wracked our brains to come up with a few explanations as to why the notorious rapper would skip out on us over and over and over again. Here are the Top 10.

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Five Artists (Other Than Trace Adkins) Who Should Fight Their Impersonators


Leave it to a wily country artist to get into some serious shenanigans with his impersonator, while on a cruise dedicated to himself. The lyrics to the twangy, semi-obnoxious song nearly write themselves, don't they?

So, if you haven't heard, Trace Adkins, the country music crooner who brought you songs like "Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk" and "Brown Chicken Brown Cow," was headlining a cruise to Jamaica recently when, according to TMZ, he fell off the wagon after being sober for the past 12 years and got himself into a fight. Not terribly abnormal for a country singer to get into a bar brawl, we know.

Thing is, what makes this story ridiculous is that he got into a fight with a Trace Adkins impersonator who was singing some Trace Adkins karaoke at the time, and that...well, that is just seriously beyond epic.

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Five Musicians We Would Like to Ball Gag

Photo by Monica Fuentes
Look, we're going to cut right to the chase on this one. Some artists are more famous for their ill-advised antics than for their music, and those artists need to stuff a sock in it.

These musicians are making fools out of themselves, and the shameless self-promotion by any means necessary is, well, kinda embarrassing. We're tired of hearing how edgy they are, how weird they are, and how shocking they can be, and yet, when it comes to their music, it's all suck and no blow.

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Slapping Bey's Ass May Have Been a Poor Life Choice, Dude

I'm just going to go with the obvious here and say that when you're at a concert, there's a golden rule that one should follow, both with your fellow concertgoers and with the performers. It's a rule that has been reiterated since the dawn of man: keep your hands to yourselves. Sticky paws are not welcome in public, but that is especially true when you're crammed ass to elbows by a stage with strangers.

I would have thought that most people were aware that just because you're crammed in like sardines at a concert, it does not give you the go-ahead to grab somebody's shit, but but judging by the video of a dude flat-out smacking Beyonce on the ass the other night in Copenhagen, perhaps it's a subject that needs to be touched upon again.

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Austin's New (C)KOKE-FM Can't Beat The Real Thing

Lonesome, Onry and Mean had been hearing about the new KOKE-FM progressive country station in Austin for a few weeks. One friend in particular kept raving about the station, so today we finally sauntered over to KOKE-FM (99.3) on the world wide web.

Back in the day when we were in Radio/Television/Film school at UT-Austin, KOKE-FM broke the mold for country radio when it announced its progressive country format that featured not only Waylon, Willie, Coe, Jerry Jeff, Jimmy Buffett, Michael Murphy, and Asleep at the Wheel, but also corralled such outlaws as Commander Cody and his Lost Planet Airmen and the newly formed Gram Parsons band with Emmylou Harris.

There was also space for Austin treasures like Freda and the Firedogs and Greezy Wheels.

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Ten Albums That Should Be Grammy Nominated Over Linda Chorney's

Photo by Jason Wolter
Jason Isbell (left) and Amanda Shires (right) are both more deserving than Chorney.
The small world of Americana music is all a-twitter over New Jersey woman Linda Chorney's nomination for a Grammy in the Americana category. In case you haven't been following the story, Chorney discovered a way to game the system and managed to convince quite a number of Grammy voters (who obviously are a little under-educated and under-exposed to the Americana genre) to vote for her tepid album, Emotional Jukebox, to get it on the final ballot in spite of it not having sold a single unit so far according to Sound Scan, the official industry tabulator of album sales.

According to interviews she's given, Chorney seems to have very little working knowledge of Americana or the artists in it. The Americana Music Association, which normally issues a boilerplate congratulatory statement to all the nominees, has not done so this year and speculation is that the association is not happy about Chorney's nomination since she is not a member of the organization and has never attended any of the annual events.

Frankly, we don't care if she's a member of the AMA or not; what bugs us about Chorney's gameswomanship is that she has knocked a number of exemplary albums out of a chance to win. And we'll bet she hasn't heard a damned one of them. So here's a list for you, Linda, of people you are basically screwing over. Like we said, do the right thing and withdraw your nomination.

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Linda Chorney Still Hasn't Withdrawn Her Grammy Nomination

The comments sections on several articles about Linda Chorney, the woman who gamed the system and social networked her way onto the final Grammy ballot in the Americana category, tend to be pretty negative, although Chorney's publicist, husband and a few friends are trying to staunch the flow of irate bile that has gushed like BP's Gulf well last year.

Lonesome, Onry and Mean has been following Americana music since long before we first went to work in country radio in the early Seventies, and we've never witnessed anything quite as shameful as Chorney's calculated internet march to the Grammy ballot. We were revolted by our first listen to Chorney's tepid folky Emotional Jukebox. We can think of a handful of women in Houston who could kick Chorney's musical ass with one arm behind their backs.

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Grammy Sham: Americana Artist Gets Nominated Through the Web

The subtle front page of Chorney's website.
As if the Grammys didn't have enough credibility issues, NARAS, the organization that controls the process, has left a loophole large enough for a complete unknown to manipulate her way onto the final ballot in the Americana category.

The news broke two days ago in Variety that virtual unknown Linda Chorney had employed the organization's interactive Grammy 365 site to connect with voting members and get her music heard. Somehow she got enough members to vote for her to get her album Emotional Jukebox on the final ballot with Emmylou Harris, Levon Helm, Ry Cooder, and Lucinda Williams, who have collected among themselves 23 Grammys.

On one hand, we have to applaud Chorney for her effort and determination and for her ability to work the system to her advantage. On the other hand, after hearing her music, we want to projectile vomit.

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Yoko Ono Just Wants to Be Liked...on Facebook

OK, Facebook finally went too far last night when it casually offered me a chance to "like" Yoko Ono. Six others I'm somehow connected with via F-book (and I'm starting to wonder why I'm connected to them at all) "like" the 78-year old Mrs. Lennon.

So when does an "artist" of Yoko's fame and fortune decide the time has come to stick up a Facebook page so people can "like" them? Yoko currently has some of her work showing at Colton-Farb Gallery here, so it seems she's still got plenty of connections to get her rather blasé art out to that section of the world with enough money in the bank to write her a fat check for the privilege of having something with "Yoko Ono" scrawled across a corner on their walls.

Could it be something on the part of her publicists or backers who (accurately) perceive that she is not and will never be as popular as her deceased husband? If she somehow gets 8,000,000 "likes" on Facebook, I'm willing to bet she'd still not have one one-hundredth of the "likes" John can pull in spite of his bad boy sneer.

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FAIL: Motown Scam Artists, Musicians Unions, Iron Fences

Photo illustrations by John Seaborn Gray
Unions Are Basically Legalized Mafia: Sarah Chang, a gorgeous and talented young violinist, tried to perform a recital in Detroit this week. Unfortunately for her, the classical music unions happen to be on strike in Detroit. Chang was probably not even aware of this fact, but she became very aware of it indeed when the hate mail started pouring in.

Classical unions don't fuck around. These folks harassed her via her cell phone, email address, and social media pages (like Twitter and Facebook) all for the heinous crime of being about to play a gig as part of her tour. We can't see how playing said gig would have affected the Detroit musicians at all, but that didn't stop them from calling her a scab and saying she should hang herself.

Needless to say, Chang opted to skip Detroit. Yeah, we don't blame her. Yo-Yo Ma better keep his ass away too, unless he wants a cello case full of fish. It's an old-school message, Mr. Ma. Don't defy the five families. Uh, unions. We meant "unions."

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