Houston Music Blog

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Tuesday afternoon, Cutout Bin received a breathless phone call from a friend: "Are you watching Ellen??"

Um, no... Some people work for a living. Not me, but some people.

So it turns out Jeff Bridges is on Ellen, and wouldn't you know it, he has his "bad album cover collection." Uh oh. If this is anything like nearly every other bad album cover collection shown in print or on television, it will consist primarily of scans from Cutout Bin's website, BizarreRecords.com.

First up: Joyce. The first, and as yet unsurpassed, gem of my collection. The record that finally caused me to take a stand at an Austin thrift store a decade and a half ago.... "I will NOT pass up another horrible record just because the other collector nerds don't care about them. I will buy JOYCE." A tag showed that the record was unsold at 50 cents at some garage sale. My first joke when I posted it (via 28.8 baud modem) on my Web site: "This record has doubled in value. It cost me a dollar." Fifteen years later, and there's Jeff Bridges... "the Dude" himself... riffing on the same damn price tag on the same damn record.

Next up: a record called Swing That Gospel Axe. Huh, that one's not mine. Putting it on the BizarreRecords Wanted List.

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Maybe the Slap Chop infomercial ended and the remote was lost between the seat cushions. Or perhaps you spent a weekend stuck at your crazy grandmother's house, with no cable. In any case, you've surely seen the Van Impes, the nation's most enduring televangelical couple. Their weekly faux-news program Jack Van Impe Presents is shown throughout the country and the world, usually at about 3 a.m. Before their dominance of the late-night UHF airwaves, however, Jack & Rexella released a pile of records that ran the gamut from gospel songs to end-of-the-world evangelism.

Presenting the Van Impes is (we believe) the couple's first album. The cover shows Jack with his accordion, an instrument he played since childhood, and a disturbingly hot pic of Rexella. This one's all music, and as the cover says, "The Van Impes have been marvelously used of God and their ministry in music will thrill your soul."

​The world's biggest rock and roll star you've never heard of is now in an L.A. hospital, recovering from botched surgery.

Johnny Hallyday is one of the most famous men in the French-speaking world. He rose to stardom in the early 1960's doing Francophone covers of American rock and roll songs, and over the years has released no less than 70 albums and completed 400 tours. And you've still never heard of him.

Often called "The French Elvis" - that's kind of like saying "The Norwegian James Brown", but whatever - Hallyday, 66, had back surgery in France last week that left him with serious complications. He was moved to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, where he was put into a medically induced coma for several days. Meanwhile, back in Paris, hooded thugs beat the crap out of the surgeon who caused all the trouble. Don't mess with Johnny Hallyday.

The good news is Johnny was brought out of the coma Monday, merci à Dieu, and doctors say he WILL sing again!

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One popular gripe regarding the demise of LP records is the loss of detail on the album covers. There can be no better example than this, the soundtrack for the all-but-forgotten 1956Burt Lancaster circus flick, Trapeze.

There's so much going on in this cover it's amazing. Tiny trapezes, bicycling bears, cavorting elephants, creepy clowns... they're all there. Just don't try spotting them on a cd cover. Or on a tiny scan on the internet, for that matter. So to show off this wonderful example of album-coveriana, Cutout Bin warmed up the HD scanner and presents: The Seven Deadly Sins, as shown on Trapeze...

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EMS Country Express

You Respond to Everyone But Me: Songs for the EMT (ETI Emergency Training, 1981)

Nearly every occupation has its token LP. There are records for doctors and nurses, lawyers and ministers, cabbies and card sharks. But as far as Cutout Bin knows, this is the only record made for that oft-overlooked occupation of Emergency Medical Technician. Before 1981, ambulance jockeys had their choice of music to listen to while racing to the scene of an accident. Disco. Funk. Rock and roll. Even country. But it was other people's music... EMTs had nothing they could call their own.

Enter the staff at ETI Emergency Training in Westport, Conn. According to the liner notes, it was Executive Editor Steve Reinberg who first said, "What EMTs really need is their own country music."

They soon came up with some great song titles. "They're Not Victims Till We Get There." "We Only Meet When Someone's Dying." "You Respond to Everyone But Me."

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Dr. Murray Banks

What YOU can learn from the Kinsey Report (Audio Masterworks, 1956)

In the late 1940s and '50s, the lives of staid conservative Americans were rocked by the release of Dr. Alfred Kinsey's reports on human sexuality. Thanks to the recent film, you probably already know the story. To sum up, Kinsey's research showed that just about everyone was either an unfaithful exhibitionist homosexual, a masturbating sadomasochistic pedophile, or some combination thereof.

Surprisingly, some people had a problem with this. Religious groups as well as prominent statisticians and psychologists decried the reports as not only flawed, but an evil plot to destroy society. Less surprisingly, the books were soon bestsellers.

But, really, who had time to read the books? Dad was busy enduring marathon three-martini meetings at the office and unsatisfying nooners with his mistress... Mom was toiling daily at home, tucking in her kids' shirts and keeping the casserole dishes properly greased between bouts of manic depression. All the while, Kinsey's books sat hidden under a pile of Life magazines, unread.

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Linda Petty and the Main Event

Linda (no label)

When Cutout Bin first saw Linda Petty's album, it shone like a diamond from the tattered pile of thrift-store vinyl in front of us. Piercing eyes that knifed into our bosom, a torso enveloped in crimson explosions of glory, a shimmering ring like a bejeweled walnut adorning her delicate hand, and a head of hair like the top of a delicious, glowing muffin, fresh from the oven. We were transfixed.

The back cover sealed the deal. The many moods of Linda... an array of looks that could bring a tear as easily as they could crack a smile. Then we noticed that Linda Petty is from Dallas. Is it possible? Could this ephemeral songbird, this delightful chanteuse be so near at hand?

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Don Lonie

Talks With Teenagers (1962)

Talks Again (1964)

Don Lonie's pair of albums from the early 60's were among the bestselling titles for Christian recording powerhouse Word Records. They sold hundreds of thousands of copies, and are thrift-store record-bin regulars. So why is it so hard to find out anything about the guy?

​Called "America's No. 1 high-school assembly speaker," Don used his unique blend of slightly irreverent humor, "hip" teen language and a droll nasal delivery to get across his wholesome message of abstinence and personal responsibility. He is said to have spoken at over 4,000 schools, and any number of business meetings, PTA clubs, and churches.

Millions of people have heard this guy speak. He toured the country giving his talks for over 45 years. Yet we can't find even the most basic information about him, except that he was from Michigan and died in November, 2001. I did manage to find a few period newspaper ads for his appearances, including one from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, which was delightfully placed over an ad for "KATIBA: Queen of the Belly Dancers."

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Hello People, The Handsome Devils (1974)

Bricks (1975)

​Looking over the pics of last Wednesday's Insane Clown Posse show got Cutout Bin thinking about bands who wear clown-ish makeup. Of course there was KISS, and the whole death metal thing, but how many readers remember The Hello People?

Hmmm... no one.

The Hello People were the invention of producer Lou Futterman (who later went on to produce a different kind of clown, Ted Nugent). Lou had seen some French mime movies and thought, "Hey, mimes would make a great band!" He found some musicians, sent them to mime school, and the Hello People were born. Their first album in 1967 played up to the flower-power style of the time (with songs like "Movin' and Growin'" and "Paisley Teddy Bear") but contained some pretty rockin' garage jams as well.

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Heintje

Heintje (Ariola-Eurodisc, 1968)

Dein Schönster Tag (Ariola-Eurodisc, 1970)

You may have heard of Heino, Germany's top pop singer of cheesy-listening "schlager" tunes. But unless you lived in the land of lederhosen at the time, you've probably never heard of Germany's other major 1960s sensation... teen star of song and screen, Heintje. Hendrik Simons, aka Heintje, was actually from the Netherlands. At 11 years old, the mop-topped moppet was discovered by a record producer while singing in his parents' café.

Within a few years, his sentimental ode to mothers, "Mama," had become a major international hit. In 1968, his first album Heintje sold 2 million copies and he starred in a series of musical films, including the awesomely titled Hurra, die Schule Brennt! ("Hurry, the School is on Fire!") and Zum Teufel mit der Penne ("To Hell With School"). Damn, this kid really hated school.

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In the long history of American fitness record albums, the early 1980s was an exceptional period. It all started in 1981 with Jane Fonda's Workout Book and accompanying video and record. They sold millions. Soon American women from disco hotties to aging housefraus were slipping on leg warmers and packing themselves into colorful bodysuits.

​Living rooms and community centers across the country were packed with bouncing baby boomers, as they stretched, danced and rolled the pounds away.

Record producers could barely keep up. Aerobics LPs and their enclosed booklets were released for every social group, age bracket and fitness level imaginable. Some of the most successful were the Christian aerobics albums.

Chubby believers were not content to work out to the tunes of the heathen pop-music industry, and the Christian record industry was ready to jump on the bandwagon. Following are some of Cutout Bin's favorite Christian workout LPs, and a carefully tested favorite exercise from each.

Here at Rocks Off, we do a lot of research for our wildly popular and intellectually enlightening album cover slideshows. As part of that research, we've found many of those albums to be highly concentrated on the male goinrular area. So at long last, and just in time for the weekend, we've compiled many of them into one pace. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Dong Show. Prrrrrrrobably not safe for work.

Black Dick for President: We're not sure what it means to be "black-rated," but we're absolutely positive we want a Plain Talkin' Records t-shirt for Christmas.

George Greer (music by Jimmy Vann)

Songs of Meter Park (Metric Records, 1976)

​In the generation before the Islamo-Commies in the government were trying to ensure access to affordable health care, they were busy converting America to the metric system. Good old American measurements were no longer good enough - we now had to use the Euro system to measure our baguettes and foie gras. The Metric Conversion Act of 1975 decreed that "each Federal agency... by the end of the fiscal year 1992, use the metric system of measurement in its procurements, grants and other business-related activities."

It was on. The nation's schoolchildren were immediately plunged into a prolonged education campaign to prepare them for the base-10 world of adulthood. Kilo, hecto, deca, deci, centi, milli. Those of Cutout Bin's age will remember these prefixes as though first grade was only a hectosecond ago. The nation's producers of crap-to-sell-to-worried-parents entered the game early.

Behold Songs of Meter Park. Meter Park was a happy place, where kids of all races (and their dogs) could walk & play among the numbers with their new anthropomorphic blue blob friends. But Meter Park was not just about fun and games. Learning was afoot! Let's examine the lyrics to "I Like to Weigh with Kilograms":

"I like to weigh with kilograms.

I like to weigh with kilograms.

It's easy with ten as the number.

I like to weigh with kilograms."

REPEAT

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Yoyoy Villame

Yoyoy Is Barok (Plaka Pilipino, 1978)

Cultural icons can be discovered in the most unusual places, such as the dregs of the dusty record piles at a Houston thrift store. It took this record to introduce Cutout Bin to the legendary Philippine entertainer Yoyoy Villame.

On the cover, we see Barok the club-wielding caveman in his star-spangled skins dragging a bored blonde back to his cave. How could you pass this record by? The song titles hint at the English/Tagalog/whatever bizarreness to be heard within: "Bus Driver Boogie," "Pangako Ng Boy Scout," "Kaming Mga Waiter," "I'll Never Love Again."

Who the heck was Yoyoy Villame??

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The Party Boys, The Party Boys

Epic (UK), 1987

Big hair /mustache combo: -1

Paisley vest: -1

Balding/long hair combo: -3

Mullet n' bolo tie combo: -3

Reeboks (-2 per shoe x 4) = -8

Eko guitar: +2

Thumbs up (-3 per thumb x 2) = -6

From England: -3

TOTAL: -23

The Goldwaters

Sing Folk Songs to Bug the Liberals (1964, Greenleaf)

​The 1964 presidential election was a pivotal point in our nation's history. After years of the liberal leadership and acronym names of JFK and LBJ, Republican Senator Barry Goldwater sought to take the country in a new direction. Could he win the presidency in the shadow of John F. Kennedy's massively popular legacy? He would need help.

The Goldwaters were the brainchild of two brothers from Nashville, Mark and Buford Bates. They put conservative, anti-JFK, anti-Democrat lyrics to old public-domain folk songs, which were becoming all the rage among young liberals thanks to groups like the Weavers and the Kingston Trio. (If you've seen the Spinal Tap of folk music, A Mighty Wind, you get the idea.)

The Bates brothers tracked down a few old friends known to have some musical interest, and after calls to a few school chums, the four-piece was complete. The songs were written and recorded, and after just a few re-writes in the wake of JFK's assassination, Folk Songs To Bug the Liberals was released.

To celebrate the end of summer (hopefully soon), Cutout Bin brings you a double shot of crappy movie soundtracks from crappy "beach" movies that no one has ever heard of. Enjoy!

Various Artists, Beach Balls Original Soundtrack

Phoenix Records ("A division of Metal Blade," lol), 1988

BONUS: the above clip of Beach Balls' opening credits contains the phrase "the waves are harshing my mellow."

​This cover photo has COB imagining the photo shoot. The models arrived late. Their tops were too tight. The light was fading fast. Some intern had to drag an extension cord all the way down the beach from a boardwalk souvenir stand. And, apparently, it would only power one light. "Stand a little closer, ladies... let's knock this thing out, " says the photographer with places to be that night.

By the time the back-cover pic was shot, the light is gone, and the ladies' hair is growing increasingly limp. A moment's inattention, and one of the beach balls has blown away. Don't worry, ladies... no one is ever going to see this record.

Well, until COB finds it.

Kijana

The Soul of Kijana Unfolds In Music (Mahdi Records, 1976)

​One of the coolest DIY album covers in COB's collection is courtesy of a suave California crooner named Kijana. We've had this record for some time, and have always wondered who this guy was. "Kijana" is a Swahili word meaning "youth"... we thought perhaps it might mean "giant white bow tie," but were mistaken.

A faded autograph graces the front cover of the record: "To Thomas, your brother for ever, Kijana Mahdi." So that would explain the record company name!

Most of the clues about this guy come from the back cover liner notes. Born in New Orleans, Kijana moved to Los Angeles, "studied opera for one year at U.S.C., vocalized with Anna Zen for another and even learned a few 'tricks-of-the-trade' from Bumps Blackwell." According to Wikipedia, Bumps was a songwriter and producer responsible for Little Richard's "Long Tall Sally" and "Good Golly Miss Molly."

[Ed. Note: In our humble opinion, this is the best post we've ever had on Rocks Off. Period.]

Rae Bourbon

Let Me Tell You About My Operation (UTC Records, 1954)

​One of the most jaw-dropping album covers in history is courtesy of one of the 20th century's oddest, most interesting, yet least-known characters. Of course he was from Texas.

Born under the name Hal Wadell on a ranch in 1892, Ray/Rae Bourbon was one of the most celebrated performers on the "pansy club" circuit in the 1930s. He first came to notoriety in the early '20s when he submitted a photo to a Paramount Pictures contest looking for the next Hollywood starlet - and won. Lost to the sands of time: the exact reaction of studio bosses when their contest winner showed up... and was a man.

Nevertheless, Bourbon was soon appearing in bit roles in silent films alongside the likes of Rudolph Valentino and Gloria Swanson, often playing the part of a woman. Soon he was touring the country with his own drag comedy/variety show, capitalizing on a little-known, underground craze for gay and female-impersonation themed clubs in pre-WWII America.

 As mentioned a few weeks ago in this blog, Cutout Bin has a special affinity for ventriloquist records. The whole idea of ventriloquism is a visual one... an illusion that the puppet is speaking. When you have an audio-only medium like a record, the odd result seems to be just a person speaking in a funny voice. Nevertheless, there are dozens of ventriloquists over the years who have put their acts on wax.

One of the lesser-known of these artists is Texas' own Oscar Zamora, along with his sidekick Don Chema. Zamora y Chema released a dozen or so comedy LPs in the '70s and early '80s on San Antonio Tejano label DLB records. Unlike most ventriloquist records which are aimed at children (and usually religious), Zamora's albums are "party records" - "Rated XXX, Solo Para Adultos," one cover claims.

The Beatles, Yesterday and Today (1966)

We start with perhaps the best-known example of a "recalled" album cover. When advance copies were sent to stores and DJs, there was an immediate uproar over the cover, showing the band covered in baby parts and bloody meat. All copies were ordered to be returned to the manufacturer. These copies were "pasted over" with a new cover and sent back to stores. Only a handful of copies escaped the "repasting" and are of course valuable collector items. Many people tried to peel the new cover off, making an original "unpeeled" copy valuable, too!

Cutout Bin has been looking for this record for a while! After being introduced to Baytown's Gary Bradford through his first album, Sings For You and You and You, (which you can see on our Web site here), we've had our eyes out for this later record. With the great title I'm Not Handicapped... Just Inconvenienced, COB finally found it at our neighborhood thrift store last week - for 20 cents, no less!. We also picked up yet another copy of Sings For You.... It's one of those records we can't pass up even though we already own, like, three copies.

Gary (Dee) Bradford was, as described in his bio, "born without arms and having hands at his shoulders from birth." His twin brother, similarly handicapped/inconvenienced, died in infancy. But Gary went on to a career as a musical minister, touring the nation and giving performances at churches and conventions. He has performed at the Southern Baptist Convention, Jim & Tammy Faye Bakker's Heritage USA, and on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. He released his latest CD (best COB can tell) in about 2002.

J. Garland McKee

Laughin' With 'Em: Southern Negro Humor in Dialect (Americana Recording, 1969)

Amos & Andy. Stepin Fetchit. Aunt Jemima. Jar Jar Binks. American history is littered with people and characters who have found success by exploiting African-American stereotypes. Meet the Rev. J. Garland McKee - humorist, minister, negro impersonator. From the liner notes:

"Possessing a warm, merry heart and a genuine sense of humor himself, J. Garland McKee has long been most appreciative for the contribution the southern negro had made to his own life with their delightful, natural humor."

I see. But how did Mr. McKee become such an expert in negro humor?

"Born and reared in the heart of the Mississippi Delta in Greenville, Mississippi, Mr. McKee has been closely acquainted with many negro people since early childhood."

Oh, ok. I bet some of his best friends were black!

Ever wondered how to be a Jewish mother? How to play quarterback like two-time Super Bowl champion Bob Griese? Or - something all of us have wondered - how to stay the hell out of probate? Our man in the Cutout Bin, Nick DiFonzo, has all the answers. Click here for the slideshow.

Ricky Scaggs

Don't Cheat in Our Hometown (Epic, 1983)

Aw, yeah. Here I am. Ricky Skaggs. Just hangin' out on a bridge in Nashville. People are slowing down. Honking. Waving. Why? You know why.

The Hair. This isn't just any old mullet. This is the best damn hair they've ever seen.

Want proof? Check out the back cover.

Novo Combo

Animation Generation (Polydor, 1982)

The 1980s: everything was changing. A new generation was taking over the musical and cultural landscape. Heavy Metal showed that even animated boobs could be a turn-on. Tron told us that even crappy, monochromatic animation made by crappy, low-powered computers could entertain for an hour or two. It was the Animation Generation.

This was a generation that no longer needed to tie its shoes - thanks to a fellow by the name of Mr. Velcro.* The droopy-shouldered man need not suffer ridicule for his affliction; male shoulder pads became acceptable accoutrements for the fashionably bold. The video screen blurred the line between what was real and what was just a beautiful woman twiddling your joystick.

Truly, it was a great time to be alive, and a great time to be in a new wave/Police-ripoff band. The Novo Combo took full advantage. Lead singer Stephen Dees played with Hall & Oates. Guitarist and singer Pete Hewlett was in Billy Joel's band. Drummer Michael Shrieve was in Santana. I'm guessing he's the guy with the retro moustache and lace-up booties.

The Bumpers (aka The Combinations)

The Official Bump Ball© Record

Pickwick/Milton Bradley, 1968

Does it have rules?

What makes you think it's a game?

Is it a game?

Will it break?

It better break eventually!

Is there an object?

What if you tire before it's done?

Does it come with batteries?

We could charge extra for them.

Is it safe for toddlers?

How can you tell when you're finished?

How do you make it stop?

Is that a boy's model?

Is there a larger model for the obese?

What if you tire before it's done?

What the hell is it?

One imagines this kind of Hudsucker Proxy conversation going on in the Milton Bradley boardroom when the idea for the Bump Ball© was being tossed around. Always on the lookout for the next Hula Hoop, an extruded plastic dingus which sold 100 million units in four months in 1958, Milton Bradley seemed to think they fund it in the Bump Ball©.

Well, hello there! Thanks for coming on such short notice. We were lucky to get reservations at this place. Luckily I know Neil, the manager. I helped him out with a little problem he had with a waitress some time ago. Here, I brought you a rose, in case you came without one.

But let's talk about you. I'm here to listen. Tell me everything... don't hold back. No, you won't shock me. Believe me, I've heard it all. Why, just last week my dear friend Cecilia... well, she told me some things that would make a Storyville madam blush. I'm amazed she could find one other person into that sort of thing, let alone five. You know, the service in this place has really gone downhill lately. What does a girl have to do to get her water glass filled around here?

Eugene J. Benge

How to Become a Successful Executive (Success Motivation Institute, 1962)

You TOO can be a successful executive! Imagine the jealousy of your peers when they see your new office!

A wide expanse of walnut just waiting for the business to roll in. A lesser man might be satisfied with just one pen. Not you. And the gold plated letter opener will make a mean slice once the correspondence starts coming.

Ms. Johnson! Ms. Johnson, there! A cup of your fine commercial brew for the new executive. Squeeze back behind the desk and warm up the keys on that Smith Corona. I may soon have a letter to dictate.

Everything You've Always Wanted To Know About Home Computers

Narrated by Steve Allen & Jayne Meadows, 1983

The kids just wouldn't shut up about it. You gave in. You made the purchase. You brought it home. Now the brand new TRS-80 microcomputer is sitting on the floor amidst a pile of Styrofoam and wires. NOW WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO???

Luckily, Steve Allen (with special guest Jayne Meadows) is here to answer all your questions! How do I plug this thing in to the TV? Steve knows. Why is there no place to put in the typing paper? Steve can tell you. How can I make my name scroll endlessly down the screen? With few short lessons from Steve, you'll know, too.

Think of the things you'll be able to do. Make a pie chart! (I can't imagine what you might need to make a pie chart for, but if you think of something, you'll be ready to go!) You can print out barely readable monochromatic labels! You can make an address book that will take five times longer to open than your old paper one!