Just Give Blue Ivy Carter All the VMAs, Please
Sunday night was the billionth year for the MTV Video Music Awards, and only one thing can be taken away from the whole unfunny shebang: just give Blue Ivy Carter all of the VMAs, now and forever, and let's be done with the whole thing. Seriously.
MTV Are we tired of twerking yet?
So in case you were wondering (or were smart enough to skip it), the whole show -- from Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda" yawn-fest to Miley Cyrus' well-intentioned but still somehow totally stunt-queen stand-in antics -- was just kinda meh. Everything but Blue of course, but we'll get to that. Here's what happened.
Ariana Grande opened up the show by coming out of some alien-like spaceship thing, and she's just really the most incredibly boring toddler ever. She's cute, and she's got a pretty decent voice, especially considering she was singing live, but come on. The child started off on about the most obnoxious show Nickelodeon show ever, and couldn't have possibly been exciting if she'd tried. Which she didn't.
Nicki Minaj came onstage to join her for some weird mashup of "Anaconda" and whatever Grande was singing, but without Robin Thicke being all creepy twerk-perv, it just didn't quite work with the shock factor.
Yes, Minaj was twerking, and her ass was painted to look like a snake, but that was about it. After the ill-fated use of actual anacondas in rehearsal, one of which bit a backup dancer, she may have toned it down a bit. Probably for the best, considering it was already dumb. Oh, and there was sort of a crotch shot at one point.
That mess basically set the tone for the entire night. There were some really strange award wins, like Lorde won for Best Rock Album. That's fine, but rock? What in the world? Also, Minaj's dress almost fell right the fuck off, but other than the illustrious Miss Blue, the entire thing was super-underwhelming.
Taylor Swift also took the stage and attempted to sing her new pop song, but no one seemed too terribly appalled or even interested in the damn thing. It was very Taylor Swift-y: off-pitch, cutesy, and still sounded like every other song she's done. It's hard to see the difference between any of it anymore. And yes, I'm old.
Miley won an award for...something, and there was a moment there where she seemed to be trying to do something kind of awesome with the limelight. She sent up a young kid named Jesse to accept it, and his speech, talking about how he was a former throwaway/runaway youth, was touching.
"I survived in shelters all over the city," Jesse told the crowd. "I've cleaned hotel rooms before and been an extra in your movies and in your life."
It was really cool to see someone give a shit about something other than themselves during an awards show. Oh, wait. It's Miley. The camera panned over to her about a thousand times during his speech, and she appeared to be attempting to push out some emotion while writhing around in that stunt-queenish way she does. It was weird.
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