10 Reasons Juggalos Are Better Than You
3. They're Kind of Hot
"I kind of want to put one of the reasons as 'Juggalos Are Kind of Hot' on this list but I'm not sure I want to go on public record in admitting that," a younger Drew Ailes just said aloud while writing this article, five minutes ago. Ah well -- may as well get it out there, because it's true. There's something puzzlingly attractive about people who aren't actively trying to impress you.
2. Juggalos Are Resourceful
There should be some sort of 800 number you can call to recruit a small team of Juggalos to show up where ever you are to solve any immediate problem you're facing. Lock your keys in the car? One of them probably knows how to get in. Need to move a bunch of cigarettes, or albums out of your eighth-grade CD wallet, or just about anything else you can think of? They'll find you a buyer.
Hell, we met one particularly plucky entrepreneur at the Gathering this year that held a sign offering to be your personal assistant and gofer. For a small fee, he'd go out and find anything you asked him for and bring it back to you. We eyed another group of Juggalos sneakily sliding the port-a-john slots to "occupied" from the outside, even though they were empty, just to preserve the relative cleanliness for when they returned later. These people are smart, man.
1. Juggalos Do Not Give a Fuck
In the end, it doesn't matter if you realize how great these self-actualized beings are or aren't, because they're going to continue to function exactly the way they always have: however the fuck they want. And lucky for them, you're not going to do a damn thing about it anyway.
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