10 Walking Raver Cliches at Miami's Ultra Music Festival

Note: God bless them, our friends at Miami New Times music blog Crossfade will be braving the EDM-infested waters of the Ultra Music Festival this weekend. Stay tuned here for updates, and follow Crossfade on Twitter at @Crossfade_SFL.

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Photo by George Martinez
Ravers are like snowflakes, right?

Wrong. It's actually not uncommon to find two (or 12) who look and sometimes behave almost exactly alike.

In fact, we've spent a lot of time wandering around EDM fests in a state of perpetual déjà vu, encircled by thousands of party people who seem to be nearly identical human copies of specific stock types.

Here, for instance, are ten walking raver cliches you meet at Ultra Music Festival.


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Photo by Ian Witlen
The Bro
He always wears shorts. He often rocks an obnoxious tank. And he's made many questionable facial hair choices. But close your eyes and the bro can still be identified by his especially dexterous use of the word bro, bro.

He may employ it as a friendly term of endearment, as in, "Want a massage, bro?" Or a verb, as in, "We are bro-ing so hard right now!" Or even an expression of surprise and amazement, as in, "Oh! Whoa! Broooooo!"


Kandi-Kid_Raver_Types_Ultra-Music-Festival_Miami.jpg
Photo by George Martinez
The Kandi Kid
A PLUR-tastic mystic once told us that "these beads are magic." And admittedly, at the time, it sounded like a bunch of hazy-minded hokum. But after several trips to Ultra land, we are kinda-sorta beginning to believe that covering one's body (especially the forearms and face) in rainbow-colored plastic finery just might have life-sustaining and age-defying effects.

After all, the kandi kid is among the oldest raver types still found 'round EDM fests. Yet these bead-bedecked wonders never seem any older than a wide-eyed, rosy-cheeked 15.


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Photo by Ian Witlen
The Bad Girl
At first glance, she seems to be a sweet young thing, sporting whimsically dyed hair, wearing bookish glasses or a flowery headband, and making hand hearts with her BFF.

But then you read the handmade fabric-paint sign. And you notice that she moves from stage to stage by riding atop the shoulders of a male slave. And instantly, you recognize that she is a bad girl who parties way harder than you can handle.


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Photo by Ian Witlen
The Peak-Hour Performer
The human body is a machine made for dancing; just ask the Peak-Hour Performer. After training all year for this moment, dropping about 20 pounds of off-season water weight, spray-tanning to perfection, strategically shaving, and finding the perfect pair of short-shorts, he or she is finally prepared for three whole days of rave.

(Now, a quick party etiquette tip: Never interrupt a serious Peak-Hour Performer's mid-fest deltoid dips to ask for a photo op. You wouldn't badger Tiësto for a pic during his main-stage DJ set, would you? Please wait till the last rep.)


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Photo by George Martinez
The Party Animal
When a person is about to perpetrate an act that requires a certain degree of anonymity, it's never a bad idea to cover one's face. Robbing a bank? Try some pantyhose. Making a ransom tape? Pop on a balaclava.

Raging so hard that it might embarrass your parents? Have some fun going incognito and assume the identity of a half-human, half-burro with an awesome collection of sombreros. Other party animal options might include fancy gorilla, dead chicken and drunk unicorn.


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Photo by George Martinez
The Mau5head
If untold hours of your life have been dedicated to a DIY party accessory project, like this carefully crafted, fully functional replica of Deadmau5's signature headgear, you are going to show off that handiwork, whether or not the King Rat is doing a set. In 2011, Mr. Mau5 headlined Ultra, and there were Mau5heads. In 2012, he slammed the fest and skipped it, and there were Mau5heads.

In 2013, he headlined again, and there were Mau5heads. Now he's missing UMF for the second time in four years, and there will be Mau5heads. It's kind of like a real pest problem, if the diseased rodents were moody (but otherwise nice) fanboys and -girls with excellent styrofoam-carving skills.


List continues on the next page.


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1 comments
ooolou
ooolou

woah, dumbing down the 90s generations culture and styles ....

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