Snoop Lion and Five More Weird Religious Conversions That Need to Happen
|Photo by Marco Torres|
From Jennifer Aniston to Jessica Simpson to Katy Perry, John Mayer has seemingly made it his mission to bed every gorgeous woman in the recording industry -- sans commitment, natch. That's what makes him the perfect figurehead for the Oneida Community, a religious sect that strongly promoted the ideal of free love.
Founded in 1848 by John Humphrey Noyes in Oneida, N.Y., the Oneida Community believed that Jesus Christ had returned in A.D. 70, making it possible to usher in heaven on Earth through the practice of communalism. Part of that doctrine was that adherents should totally fuck each other a lot, monogamy be damned.
Since John Mayer is already basically practicing this holy inclusivity within his own community, it's a slam dunk that he's the guy to resurrect this tiny little religion, which died out in 1879 when Noyes fled the country to avoid a statutory rape charge. So, y'know, check IDs, John. And maybe abandon the Oneidian practice of eugenics, too, just to be safe.
2. Ian Curtis for the Church of Euthanasia
Save the planet: Kill yourself. That's the unofficial slogan of the Church of Euthanasia, a group whose response to the perceived ugliness of modern, industrial society is voluntary population reduction. The Church's four pillars of belief are consensual suicide, abortion, cannibalism of the already dead, and sex without procreation. If that seems a little inflammatory or unpleasant, well, that's only because you haven't killed yourself yet.
Since the Church of Euthanasia has no problem enlisting the dead for participation in their beliefs (cannibalism, dog!), churchgoers should feel no compunction about making the late Joy Division singer Ian Curtis their top celebrity evangelist. After all, Curtis, too, despised the urban decay and spiritlessness he perceived all around him. What's more, he did something about it.
Although Curtis' suicide likely makes him a hero in the eyes of the Church, it may not be so likely that his millions of fans suffer from the same conflagration of epilepsy, depression and marital strife that convinced him he was better off dead. Then again, his songs were a hell of a lot more eloquent than "Thou shalt not procreate."
1. Kanye West for the Church of Satan
Members of the Church of Satan, a fun little group founded by former carny and "psychic investigator" Anton LaVey, believe in no higher power than the self. Essentially, every LaVeyan Satanist serves as his or her own god, with all worship and spiritual interest focused inward. Gosh, who do we know that's already living by such a creed?
If there's any superstar on earth convinced of his own supremacy and, perhaps, divinity, it's got to be our good pal Kanye West. Shit, he even recorded and released a track called "I Am a God." And we don't doubt he believes that, either.
Kanye certainly wouldn't be the first famous musician to hook up with the Church of Satan. Everybody from Sammy Davis, Jr., to Marilyn Manson and even Liberace has dabbled in the darkness over the years. But all of them combined couldn't hope to be as loud, honest and up-front with their self-worship as Mr. West.
And if there's anything that's more Satanic than marrying a Kardashian, we don't want to know about it.
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