Six People to Avoid When Starting a Band

Categories: Hipsters

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All illustrations by Dave Watt
Being in a band is hard. Assembling a band is almost impossible.

As anyone who's been through a few bands can tell you, meeting a self-proclaimed "musician" should instill about as much enthusiasm in you as meeting someone who is going to college for a career in law enforcement. You're either about to talk to a caring, compassionate, intelligent person or a psychotic, self-serving demon. By the analogy, you can probably guess which is more common.

Despite the intense joy we all take in watching a singer refuse to take the stage until the drummer changes his silk Western-style shirt, there comes a time we must rise up and take a stand. So furrow your brow and focus as we save your sanity by providing six people to avoid when forming a band.

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6. Attractive Tattoo Asshole
We all know this person -- the charismatic, almost accidentally fashionable and uncompromising artist who poetically suffers by refusing to adapt to society. And has a shitload of tattoos, for some reason.

Truth be told, Attractive Tattoo Asshole is a great social companion. His or her flashy appearance and gregarious nature makes for a constant spectacle. If you've ever wanted to get into a hundred conversations with a hundred people you'll never want to see again, Attractive Tattoo Asshole is your greatest ally.

Unfortunately, the narcissism this person cultivates to protect their fragile egos usually leads to some sort of nuclear friendship fallout as you learn he or she is the kind of person who will ditch you at the bar to go have sex with one of your friends. In your bed. Eventually, you'll start to wonder how such a struggling artist managed to get thousands of dollars of ink all over his or her body. That's when you notice you're missing some of your guitar pedals.


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5. Americana Reject
I could write a long and articulate passage on the problem with the Americana Reject, but I'm just going to stick to the initial notes I penned when writing up the first draft of this article:

"Boring coffee-drinking ass, hang out in your artisan cocktail bar. Can't even play the accordion. Fedoras suck."


List continues on the next page.



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2 comments
WhiteLightning
WhiteLightning

"just don't expect them any practice-space rent." uh... right.

WhiteLightning
WhiteLightning

"the narcissism this person cultivates to protect their fragile egos" uhhh... Mother Nature doesn't like singular and plural all jumbled up like this.

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