Pitbull's "Timber" Is Just the Worst

2:42: Oh fuck. Pitbull is in the water, and that's perilous enough since there are probably sharks around, but more impressive is that he's swimming with his eyes open. That shit is the worst. I tried that while swimming in the Gulf of Mexico once. It was like trying to look through battery acid*. Pitbull is a boss.

*The Gulf of Mexico ain't exactly the cleanest body of water. I swear to God one time I watched a stingray swim up onto the shore, stand up on its end, wipe itself clean of the mucky water, then mutter "Come the fuck on already with this water." I swear to God.

3:08: I'll say this. Pitbull always looks like he is enjoying himself.

3:24: True story: I actually met Pitbull once. He was appearing at this backbeat club in Houston to celebrate a thing that was being celebrated by a record label he had ties with. The PR person tried to make it a very formal affair. There was a red-carpet setup and everything, only except it was done right in the middle of the parking lot outside the club.

I was one of the only journalists, so when one of the artists would arrive, the PR person would say, "Shea, do you want to interview this guy?" and I would either say yes and she would introduce me or I would say no and she would make a frump face.

The two people I said yes to: Baby Bash, a semi-famous regional artist who had a guest verse on South Park Mexican's wonderful Never Change album that I wanted to ask Bash about, and Pitbull. Pitbull was very polite and very short and very well-dressed (even back before he was truly famous, he only ever wore suits) and smelled like how I imagine very successful people smell (they also mention that in the interview above). I can say no bad things about him as a person. That said: This song is the pits. No change there.

Oh, super important side note: Former NBA player Robert Horry was there too. I was very excited about that because this wasn't too long after he hit a mega-three pointer in Game 5 of the NBA Finals that helped the Spurs, my favorite everything, win the NBA Championship.

I had 6,000 things I wanted to say him. I was so truly amped-up. And I said exactly zero words to him. Instead, I just made eye contact with him, felt my stomach fall out of my butthole, then made this strange gargle noise at him. He looked at me, looked off to the side, looked back at me, then walked into the club. It was my favorite moment of the night.

But anyway anyway: the song still isn't good.


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