Pitbull's "Timber" Is Just the Worst

[Note: in his column Serrano Time, Houston's award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

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Right now, Pitbull's "Timber," featuring Ke$ha, is No. 2 on Billboard and No. 1 on my GTFOH chart. I don't remember the first time I heard it -- it seems like I've heard it every day since I was 12-years-old -- but I do remember when I decided I hated it (the first time I heard it).

Perhaps I was being too dismissive, given that the video has more than 50,000,000 views, though I have to assume many were watched sarcastically and with hatred in the watcher's heart. Nonetheless, I decided to watch it, hoping that would change how I felt about the song, or at least make it less likely that when it came on the radio I'd drive my car off a cliff.

Alas, that did not happen:

0:01: The video editor going straight from a shot of Ke$ha to a shot of a donkey seems like a not that subtle #ShotsFired. Applause. That took some grapes. We are off to a tremendous start.


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0:02: I guess she's in her Carrie Bradshaw phase? Also, I do not think Ke$ha looks all that much like a donkey, though I will not argue too heartily against someone who does.


0:10: The first words of the song: "It's going down. I'm yelling 'Timber!'" I would like to take this moment to point out that NINE SEPARATE PEOPLE received songwriting credit here. NINE. That's basically the fucking Wu-Tang Clan, man.


0:18: BTW: You should know that this video is not new. It was posted to YouTube on November 25. I did not watch it then because Thanksgiving was soon after, and that is not what the pilgrims who founded America and invented football and Twitter would have wanted.


0:37: Here comes Pitbull. If you're wondering how far into his verse he'll get before he raps some sort of cliché...


0:38: Bam! Exactly one second. That's how long. "What goes up, must come down." Oh, Pitbull. You are in my heart forever.


0:50: "I'm slicker than an oil spill." One more time: NINE PEOPLE SHARE SONGWRITING CREDIT. You know what my favorite thing is about oil spills. All of the dead marine life and crippled ecosystems. So much fun.


1:40: Did you know that this is the most successful song Pitbull's had since he did "Give Me Everything"* in 2011? That song was this same sort of brainless house-hop that people like to listen to when they don't really want to listen to music.


1:49: I was actually just about to say that what this video needs is a woman dressed like Daisy Duke holding an alligator (above), so this is good timing.


1:50: Oh, also, did you know that Rihanna was supposed to be on this track but was too busy so he swapped her out for Ke$ha? (He says so around the 5:30 mark of this interview here.) Man, I hate Rihanna too, so that would have been like: "Hey, do you want me to punch you in your penis with my right hand, with which I am deadly, or do you want me to punch you in your penis with my left hand, with which I am equally proficient?"


2:00: Do this: Pause the video right at the 2:00 mark. I'm not the only one who's a little disappointed with Pitbull's lack of muscle tone, right? I mean, a guy waits years to see Pitbull with his shirt off and this is the reward. You know what nvm bye.


2:19: I'm pretty sure those are nurse sharks that Pitbull is fussing with. My sons are super-into sharks right now, which is why I know that nurse sharks are basically the pussiest of all sharks (not counting the whale shark, of course, which is barely even a shark). That said, I'm still not too interested in getting very close to anything that swims and has teeth. (This is also why I've never gotten into the water with Rihanna. She was not expecting to take such a beating in this column, I'm sure.)


2:22: How long do you think Ke$ha could actually last on a mechanical bull? Ewww, do you remember that joke about how witches hold onto brooms? Gross, gross. Sry. :/


More Serrano time on the next page.


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