Houston's Worst Places to Get Put On Hold

Photo by Nic McPhee/Flickr Commons
Joe V's Smart Shop is a Houston-based offshoot of one of the state's most successful brands, H.E.B., aka the H.E. Butt Grocery Company. Or, as it's known in my home, The Butt. If you're a fan of The Butt -- and really, who isn't? -- you know why it's an awesome place to shop. I don't know about you, but when I'm in The Butt it just feels right.

As it were, Joe V's recently emerged from The Butt and it's still a little sloppy. When I called to ask about a certain item, someone answered by saying "Hold on a second..." The second turned into about a minute and a half. When she returned, she simply said, "Hello?"

"Is this Joe V's?" I asked, because, what, what, that's not how they do it in The Butt. You're greeted like your call is the only thing keeping them from bankruptcy when you dial up H.E.B. proper.

Anyway, while I was waiting for the phone operator to return from whatever was more important than my question, I listened to the hold music. It was a loop of annoying royalty-free piano music that made me want to fly to Vienna, dig Beethoven from his grave and bitch-slap him. And, from these odd thoughts came the following exercise, one man's attempts to track down some of the worst hold music on Houston business phones.

I phoned an auto insurance company called Aggressive Insurance and a recorded voice assured me they're "driven to serve you." As I waited for a human voice to join me on the line, I heard The Beach Boys' "Little Deuce Coupe." Not bad. Then, The Cars' "Drive" -- sung by the more handsome Car who didn't marry the model -- played in its entirety.

I was halfway through Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" when I realized 1) there's an auto motif to Aggressive Insurance's hold music; and 2) holy hell, how long have I been on hold? I hung up angry that the insurance company was toying with me by calling itself "Aggressive" and leaving me on perpetual hold to have songs about cars mock me.

I went to Best Buy because I wanted to purchase a new laptop with some of the severance-package shekels my former employer tossed at my feet when I was fired. I've got to say, I was probably fired because I can be such an a-hole at times. Like when I am waiting in the computer section of Best Buy for one of its Geek Squad people to come help me.

I phoned the store from within.

"Hello, are you still hiring holiday help?" I asked whomever answered.

"No, we hired everyone we needed a month ago," I was told.

"Well, you should have hired more people for the computer section than you did. I've been standing alone over here for 45 minutes, grumble, growl, grumble, growl, growl..."

Story continues on the next page.

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Friend you are so funny! Oh and fyi Aggressive Insurance sucks and they are anything BUT aggressive. I have to deal with them a lot due to my job,  

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