We Suck Again! A Revised Houston Texans Tailgating Mix

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Photo by Marissa Sendejas
Back in the summer, I advocated for new, improved songs that Houston Texans fans could play at their 2013 tailgates. My suggestions were optimistic, confident selections reflective of the high hopes we had for the team.

Now, on the verge of the worst season in franchise history, it might be time to revisit that playlist. Go ahead and group these together for what will mercifully be the last home game of this dismal campaign, a December 22 anticipated beatdown by Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos.

Screaming Females, "Something Ugly"
"I want to show you something ugly,.." begins this cut from the New Brunswick, N.J. trio, Screaming Females. That lyric sums up what the Texans did all season. Week after week, we kept waiting for the hidden beauty of the team to emerge, but all we got was more lipstick on the pig.

I caught Screaming Females in Austin recently and my innards were disintegrated by how hard this band rocks, particularly front woman Marissa Paternoster. She's got my humble vote for best guitarist making music on planet Earth right now and a voice that bursts from a diminutive body in a shocking way. You know, the way you'd be shocked if Gary Kubiak ever called a flea-flicker or a fake punt.

Bastille, "Pompeii"
Is there a historical place more appropriate to recall on the Reliant parking lot than Pompeii? The failure that erupted this season left all inhabitants of our asphalt island in ashes. Not even the strongest EZ-Ups could protect us from the rain of fire.

Bastille is a U.K. group, but it pegged Texans fans' sentiments about how very Houston Oiler-ish this season was with the chorus from its Billboard-charting hit:

But if you close your eyes

Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes

Does it almost feel like you've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Photo by Jeffrey Beall/Flickr Commons
Matt Schaub
Neil Young, "Mr. Disappointment"
When a sports team fails to meet expectations, the player whom fans deem most responsible for the shortcomings is known as "the goat." Fairly or not, Matt Schaub was unanimous fan selection for that unfortunate distinction. Clearly, there's more wrong with the team than just Schaub. But since he was responsible for more pick-sixes than the end cap of the HEB beer aisle, he's the one for whom fans reserved the most and loudest boos; still, kicker Randy Bullock also spent most of the season picking shreds of tin cans from his beard too.

Can Schaub bounce back? Maybe. But Young's lyrics for "Mr. Disappointment" are foreboding: "I'd like to shake your hand, disappointment. Looks like you win again, but this time might be the last."

L7, "Shitlist"
As grunge-rockers L7 remind us, there's no reason to single out Schaub when so many Texans can shoulder some blame.

When I get mad and I get pissed

I grab my pen and I write out a list

Of all the people that won't be missed

You've made my shitlist

If L7 were Texans fans (or even still a band), they'd have to include on the shitlist Cierre Wood (dismissed by the team), T.J. Yates (not up to the challenge), Earl Mitchell (a non-factor), Brian Cushing (hurt,.. again), Brice McCain (inexplicably still on the roster), Joe Marciano (inexplicably still on the sidelines) and Ed Reed (a Texas-sized mistake).

List continues on the next page.

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Friend, thank you for letting me end the most crappiest and saddest day ever, with giggles and virtual high fives. Though, I think you're taller than me, in fact, I'm sure you are, so it would be "low fives"   First time I've cracked a smile all day, glad I stopped by the HP.  ;)

For me, this Texans season has been a nightmare.  Now I know what Alice in Wonderland must have felt like.  I'm no fair-weather fan (hellor, I'm still an Astros fan for godsakes!) but come on!  When is this nightmare going to end??? 

Poor JJ Watt and Andre Johnson.  :(  But alas, hope springs eternal and all that.

Have a great week! See ya! 

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