10 Reasons the Door Guy Hates You

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Universal Studios Entertainment
Few career paths garner the kind of uncanny respect and even fear allotted to the nightclub doorman. He's the first (and sometimes last) thing that you see when out for a night on the town and has the ability to make or break your evening (and possibly, arm) -- well before you've had the chance to down so much as a single Jäger Bomb.

So, what is it that this mysterious and illustrious figure is really thinking, behind that steely and emotionless gaze, as he waves you in or boots you out?

Hint: it's probably not something positive. Courtesy of a former industry GM, here are ten ways to earn a scowl (if not outright rejection), on behalf of the bouncer who may or may not have kicked you out for trying to smuggle that bottle of Smirnoff Ice in da club way in the day.


1. No (ID) means no.
Oh, you forgot it at home? Your BFF must have it in her purse, back at the other club? Your pet saber-toothed tiger ate it, along with your passport, birth certificate and the neighbor's chihuahua? Cool. All of that means that you can't come in. No, really -- you cannot come in.


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Sony Pictures
2. That fake ID should be at least semi-believable.
That doesn't just mean making sure that the issuing state or country actually exists and is spelled correctly. It also means that the photo better be of you (or your long-lost twin), and the personal info listed better read legit. In other words--no "McLovin" à la Superbad, no celebrity monikers... and if you weigh somewhere in the vicinity of 210 pounds, do yourself a favor and don't fib your way down to 105.


3. The line outside is no indicator of the party happening inside.
It is a notorious trick of the industry to force early birds and stragglers to wait outside in the elements, whilst allowing only the best-looking broads and best-dressed bros in through the front door. It's an illusion designed to make the club look popular and exclusive -- even if the bar inside is so lame that the only person getting drunk is the chick working behind it.


4. I don't care what you're wearing.
Actually, to be precise, one person cares -- probably some full-of-shit promoter or possibly a particularly overzealous owner. Everyone besides that single stickler could really give a damn if you're wearing shorts, flip-flops or whatever other item of clothing has been deemed subpar for this particular douchebag-palace. But still... can't let you in with them shoes, brah.


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EdinburghGreen via Flickr
5. If I'm standing here, rest assured that this is not a BYO establishment.
Save yourself the embarrassment of trying to smuggle in your own booze, especially if it comes in a jug; yes, there are people who think that liter of vodka qualifies as inconspicuous. If you're just too cheap to drink at the bar, I suggest you chug in your car before even killing the ignition.

And for Christ's sake, if you are really gonna go for it anyway, pick something that the bar actually carries (cans of pretty much any domestic beer almost never count). Because the second you set down your Natty Light to chat up the hottie working the bar, she will be calling me to boot your ass out.


6. If there's a cover, just pay it.
The fact is that no matter how cute you might be -- and there's nothing cuter than flirting with me just because you're cheap -- I'm just doing my job. And it just so happens that job is to collect the club's (i.e. my employer's) money. Also, more often than not, I am actually paid for my services directly via cover fees.

Therefore, I'm not going to let you and your gal pals "slide" just because you've taken one for the team and worn an outfit so tight that even your appendix is on display. On the upside, shaking it for the bartender inside may elicit better results; no need to be discouraged.


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6 comments
Dodd Melcher
Dodd Melcher

Door guys don't hate me… it's not possible.

h_e_x
h_e_x

They can earn some respect when they stop being racist shitbags.

bthornton
bthornton

These top-ten lists have become incredibly hackneyed and dull; they're all generic enough that they could as easily apply to Houston as any other medium-to-large American city.  Is this another sign of out-sourcing?  Are they being poached from LA, NYC, or Dayton weeklies?  Fess up, or desist.

Tish Squish
Tish Squish

I can't get behind this piece at all because of douchy, racist bouncers at places like Roosevelt's. Until you enforce the "dress code" for white boys walking **out** of the place as strictly as you do for people of other ethnicities trying to come in, you have no leg to stand on with this crap.

Sandy
Sandy

Also you can add, "Because you're black". Houston bars are notorious for not letting dark skinned people in. They could be the best dressed people in the line. Doesn't matter. 

John Hodges
John Hodges

Great article!! Been there. Done that in my younger days. Bottom line is this: Show some damn respect. For yourself, and your bouncer..

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