Hey, Millennials: You're Partying All Wrong. Here's How.



Not even Girl Talk.

YouTube isn't party entertainment.
For the love of God! Please, please, please do not put YouTube on at a party. Just, no.

No one wants to see that "really funny" viral piece of crap, stupid kung-fu underground video you want to put on 'cause you're stoned. If everyone were a better conversationalist, there would be less need for internet visuals. Actual art visuals are OK, as is anything super trippy, or The Big Lebowski. But get off the internet. It isn't real life.


There is no dubstep at house parties.
Certain stuff is just meant for da club. Dubstep is that. So don't do it.

Put on music that you like, not music you think other people will think is so rad. Seriously. The Beatles or Hot Chip or Outkast at 5 a.m. is way better than whatever shitty vomit sounds you're playing 'cause you read all about how much they rule on some music blog (ahem).


Guitar Hero? No.
Only NES or Super Nintendo are appropriate for playing while fucked up in a huge group. You with the Guitar Hero at the party, you sicken me. If this is a small get-together, please bust out all your Xboxes, but if it's a Saturday-night blowout, put the fake guitar down, open your mouth, and force it to make human sounds.


Share your beer, cheapskate.
Millennials. You guys are... How can I put this? Rude.

Once the little beer or liquor that was in the kitchen at the start of the night runs out, you may go to the store and get a six-pack of like Dos Equis. But you never share. Good party manners involve buying a case and placing it in the cooler for all to enjoy.

Seeing someone hoarding beer at the end of a party is a life force suck. It's bad, really bad manners. If you want to save a few for yourself, leave them in your car. Parties are for sharing cans of beer and experiences, not for showing off anything but dance skills and tongue tricks.


Liz Tracy is the Music Editor at our sister paper New Times in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida.


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16 comments
Adam Elara
Adam Elara

Seems to be perpetuating the idea that one must poison their bodies for pleasure otherwise a group cannot have fun.

ejceisel
ejceisel

This is hilarious. You;re a hipster who complains about hipsters being fucking losers. How hipsterish of you.


How do I know this?


Because you're a cheapskate who thinks others are cheapskates because they wont share their beer with you. Heres an idea. Get a fucking job and buy your own booze and drugs.


I share wine, rack beer, and mid level booze. You can NOT have my craft beer just to tell me you dont like it after I spent $15 on a sixer.

serascarousel
serascarousel

It really makes me sad to hear someone from my generation narc on another generation's party. Are you freakin' kidding me? Thanks for making me feel older than I already am. Although, I don't understand the whole hipster thing, and I despise their music, the fact of the matter is, IT SHOULDN"T MATTER TO YOU. It is not your generation, it's theirs. It was their party, not yours. Let them do what they want. You had your time in the sun, now it's their turn. Grow up. Or, in your case, try to remember what it's like to be young. Quit being such a controlling, overbearing and bitter harpy.Otherwise, you'll turn into that crazy old woman down the street, that the neighborhood kids made fun of. 

davr
davr

Pretty obvious that you are partying with the wrong millennials (my guess is because your too old and/or are hanging out with Millennial Hipster types).  I've never been to a party like you describe here.  Most of the "millennial" parties I've been to or hosted have been complete blowouts.  Cheers!

JustJinxed
JustJinxed

There are leaders and there are followers. I'm sorry, but if the party you were at was that lame, and you did nothing to fix it, you are partly to blame. 

PWN the party if it's that lame duck. If people look at you funny because you are becoming too centralized on getting wasted, maybe that'll be a hint to knock it back a notch. Save that for the camp fire/beach parties ;) 

Here's a hint.. Always enjoy where you're at, and if you aren't, take steps to MAKE it fun :P Don't blame others for your lack of initiative. We were young and had to perfect this having fun thing. Not every party was aghast. We just remember the ones that were. Help em out, they're learning :P 

This article sounds more like you went there to use them than you did to 'party' WITH them.

jimmytime903
jimmytime903

The problem is most of the things you described at "fun" are also illegal and no party is awesome when it ends with you being tazed to near death by people who are there to protect.Also, Booze doesn't make anyone fun, it makes you so unaware you literally "CAN'T" notice how un-fun you're being. What you're referring to is a house full of drunk people who are so "fun" they don't really care when they get bumped into, or set on fire, or raped.


The real true problem here is: You're old. The new generation has new ideals and new way to have their version of fun and you can't stand it. To the point where you literally used your job as a way to TELL people how to have fun. You went to a party and got upset at everyone else because you didn't have a good time. The article ends with you being upset because you can't grab any random alcoholic beverage out of the fridge and gulp it down.


But regardless of my opinions; the next time you have a party, please invite me to what I can only assume will be a very specific and very regimented type of fun.

jimmytime903
jimmytime903

The problem is most of the things you described at "fun" are also illegal and no party is awesome when it ends with you being tazed to near death by people who are there to protect. Also, Booze doesn't make anyone fun, it makes you so unaware you literally "CAN'T" notice how un-fun you're being. What you're referring to is a house full of drunk people who are so "fun" they don't really care when they get bumped into, or set on fire, or raped.


The real true problem here is: You're old. The new generation has new ideals and new ways to have their version of fun and you can't stand it. To the point where you literally used your job as a way to TELL people how to have fun. You went to a party and got upset at everyone else because you didn't have a good time. The article ends with you being upset because you can't grab any random alcoholic beverage out of the fridge and gulp it down. You hung out with kids and it confused and infuriated you.


But regardless of my opinions; the next time you have a party, please invite me to what I can only assume will be a very specific and very regimented type of fun. Just send me the list so I don't do or bring anything "super uncool." I know quoting the girl scouts is still fun.

originalmouse
originalmouse

yeah. it sounds like you're just hanging around with the wrong millenials. but parties DID seem to be better a decade ago. maybe memories get better with age, but we had pagers, not smart phones, and when you're partying in your uncles basement or some other broke-ass's house, super nintendo was likely just the latest console they had laying around. (xbox wasn't a thing.)

TM22
TM22

As a 27 year old (millennial) the party(s) you describe with your list are just as foreign to me as they are to you.  Every party I go to is much more like your initial description.  It's not millennials in general  that are the problem, it's that you seem to be hanging out with hipster douche millennials that's the issue. 

Stephen Griffin
Stephen Griffin

Back in my day, we had real fun! The kind of fun you only get walking to your party in -30 degrees, 6 feet of snow, uphill both ways.

jimisabuzzkill
jimisabuzzkill

@jimmytime903 -i've never met an 8 year old girl named Jimmy.

eudemonist
eudemonist

@jimmytime903 Did...did you seriously just equate getting bumped into with getting set on fire and raped? 

If your response to someone bumping into you is IN ANY WAY comparable to someone setting you on fire, I think we may have found the problem.

BeeOhZee
BeeOhZee

Quit being a little bitch. This is why you never get invited to parties. Enjoy your fap fest, but be careful, too much of that and you'll go blind!

jimisabuzzkill
jimisabuzzkill

@TM22  Okay, I'm good with this answer.  Just, stay away from Jimmytime, please. 

texmex01
texmex01 topcommenter

@TM22 ^Ding! Ding!^ I think we have a winner!!!! ^

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