Hey, Millennials: You're Partying All Wrong. Here's How.

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Ian Witlen
The stage is THAT way. Jeez.

Millennials, you still do all the drugs and have all the sex, but I have to break it to you -- #realtalk -- you do not know how to party.

And it's bringing me down. Heading over to what's supposed to be the "jam," hosted by 24-year-old "scenesters," I always hope that there won't be finger foods but that the fridge will be so packed with Miller High Life that it won't totally close. But then I get there, and there's artisan, sprouted, gluten-free hummus with homemade organic cheese sticks and vegan crackers for dipping. And no one looks like they're having fun.

Meanwhile, partying with Gen Xers is the best ever. There's never any food beyond a bag of Doritos, an old pizza, or Taco Bell someone grabbed at the end of the night. There are bongs everywhere, but people are dancing, and someone's getting a blow job in the bathroom.

There's going to be a fight. Not just skinny straight guys throwing shade but a bloody-nose, "bitch, I'ma kill you" fight. There's nothing good to drink, but there always something to drink. A naked guy is at the party, and you're probably going to make out with his friend. You will talk to strangers, and there's always good music.

Rip me to shreds, but someone had to say it. For the millennials who want to party right, here are some new rules for you.


Booze is more important than appetizers.
Yes, you're all foodies. You "do it yourself." So cool. But for fuck's sake, save the gourmet snacks for your next dinner engagement. Parties are for fucking and boozing and breaking shit. Half the millennial festivities have almost no alcohol. And yeah pot will get you high, and molly will make you rubby, but booze will make you fun.

BTW, when I was a kid (#old), dinner parties were for parents. Take a page from Iconz's book and "Get Fucked Up."


Dance, bitches!
God, there's nothing more pathetic than a party at 3 a.m., where everyone's in little clusters chatting quietly while some like Bon Iver song drags in the background. Wait! There is something more pathetic! When it's 3 a.m. and 2 Live freaking Crew is on the iPad and no one's moving. Get up and dance. It's a party. I hate you.


Parties are for meeting new people.
I swear, every time I hit up a millennial event, no one is meeting anyone new. It's all the same old people talking to their same old peoples. Go home with someone all your friends didn't bone yet for once.

And remember the Girl Scout song: "Make new friends but keep the old/one is silver and the other's gold."


Stop Instagramming everything.
That leads us to Instagram. OK, we get it. You have an iPhone. You're out and looking cute in your baggy top and skinny jeans. Lord knows your hair has never looked better, and that pout is so becoming.

But try, just try, to keep from Instagramming yourself looking like you're having fun, when really, you're just standing around using Instagram in a circle of awkward millennials. No one cares if you're at a party. Just be at the party. Touch other humans, speak words, and connect with them.


List continues on the next page.



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16 comments
Adam Elara
Adam Elara

Seems to be perpetuating the idea that one must poison their bodies for pleasure otherwise a group cannot have fun.

ejceisel
ejceisel

This is hilarious. You;re a hipster who complains about hipsters being fucking losers. How hipsterish of you.


How do I know this?


Because you're a cheapskate who thinks others are cheapskates because they wont share their beer with you. Heres an idea. Get a fucking job and buy your own booze and drugs.


I share wine, rack beer, and mid level booze. You can NOT have my craft beer just to tell me you dont like it after I spent $15 on a sixer.

serascarousel
serascarousel

It really makes me sad to hear someone from my generation narc on another generation's party. Are you freakin' kidding me? Thanks for making me feel older than I already am. Although, I don't understand the whole hipster thing, and I despise their music, the fact of the matter is, IT SHOULDN"T MATTER TO YOU. It is not your generation, it's theirs. It was their party, not yours. Let them do what they want. You had your time in the sun, now it's their turn. Grow up. Or, in your case, try to remember what it's like to be young. Quit being such a controlling, overbearing and bitter harpy.Otherwise, you'll turn into that crazy old woman down the street, that the neighborhood kids made fun of. 

davr
davr

Pretty obvious that you are partying with the wrong millennials (my guess is because your too old and/or are hanging out with Millennial Hipster types).  I've never been to a party like you describe here.  Most of the "millennial" parties I've been to or hosted have been complete blowouts.  Cheers!

JustJinxed
JustJinxed

There are leaders and there are followers. I'm sorry, but if the party you were at was that lame, and you did nothing to fix it, you are partly to blame. 

PWN the party if it's that lame duck. If people look at you funny because you are becoming too centralized on getting wasted, maybe that'll be a hint to knock it back a notch. Save that for the camp fire/beach parties ;) 

Here's a hint.. Always enjoy where you're at, and if you aren't, take steps to MAKE it fun :P Don't blame others for your lack of initiative. We were young and had to perfect this having fun thing. Not every party was aghast. We just remember the ones that were. Help em out, they're learning :P 

This article sounds more like you went there to use them than you did to 'party' WITH them.

jimmytime903
jimmytime903

The problem is most of the things you described at "fun" are also illegal and no party is awesome when it ends with you being tazed to near death by people who are there to protect.Also, Booze doesn't make anyone fun, it makes you so unaware you literally "CAN'T" notice how un-fun you're being. What you're referring to is a house full of drunk people who are so "fun" they don't really care when they get bumped into, or set on fire, or raped.


The real true problem here is: You're old. The new generation has new ideals and new way to have their version of fun and you can't stand it. To the point where you literally used your job as a way to TELL people how to have fun. You went to a party and got upset at everyone else because you didn't have a good time. The article ends with you being upset because you can't grab any random alcoholic beverage out of the fridge and gulp it down.


But regardless of my opinions; the next time you have a party, please invite me to what I can only assume will be a very specific and very regimented type of fun.

jimmytime903
jimmytime903

The problem is most of the things you described at "fun" are also illegal and no party is awesome when it ends with you being tazed to near death by people who are there to protect. Also, Booze doesn't make anyone fun, it makes you so unaware you literally "CAN'T" notice how un-fun you're being. What you're referring to is a house full of drunk people who are so "fun" they don't really care when they get bumped into, or set on fire, or raped.


The real true problem here is: You're old. The new generation has new ideals and new ways to have their version of fun and you can't stand it. To the point where you literally used your job as a way to TELL people how to have fun. You went to a party and got upset at everyone else because you didn't have a good time. The article ends with you being upset because you can't grab any random alcoholic beverage out of the fridge and gulp it down. You hung out with kids and it confused and infuriated you.


But regardless of my opinions; the next time you have a party, please invite me to what I can only assume will be a very specific and very regimented type of fun. Just send me the list so I don't do or bring anything "super uncool." I know quoting the girl scouts is still fun.

originalmouse
originalmouse

yeah. it sounds like you're just hanging around with the wrong millenials. but parties DID seem to be better a decade ago. maybe memories get better with age, but we had pagers, not smart phones, and when you're partying in your uncles basement or some other broke-ass's house, super nintendo was likely just the latest console they had laying around. (xbox wasn't a thing.)

TM22
TM22

As a 27 year old (millennial) the party(s) you describe with your list are just as foreign to me as they are to you.  Every party I go to is much more like your initial description.  It's not millennials in general  that are the problem, it's that you seem to be hanging out with hipster douche millennials that's the issue. 

Stephen Griffin
Stephen Griffin

Back in my day, we had real fun! The kind of fun you only get walking to your party in -30 degrees, 6 feet of snow, uphill both ways.

jimisabuzzkill
jimisabuzzkill

@jimmytime903 -i've never met an 8 year old girl named Jimmy.

eudemonist
eudemonist

@jimmytime903 Did...did you seriously just equate getting bumped into with getting set on fire and raped? 

If your response to someone bumping into you is IN ANY WAY comparable to someone setting you on fire, I think we may have found the problem.

BeeOhZee
BeeOhZee

Quit being a little bitch. This is why you never get invited to parties. Enjoy your fap fest, but be careful, too much of that and you'll go blind!

jimisabuzzkill
jimisabuzzkill

@TM22  Okay, I'm good with this answer.  Just, stay away from Jimmytime, please. 

texmex01
texmex01 topcommenter

@TM22 ^Ding! Ding!^ I think we have a winner!!!! ^

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