10 Sexy Christmas Songs to Stuff Your Chimney Right
Note: This is one of Rocks Off's favorite holiday-themed blogs we've ever run, and it's still fresh today. Pardon the pun, and enjoy!
The approach of Christmas presents a number of dilemmas. Should you put the moves on that hot co-worker at the holiday party? Is now really the best time to come out to your heavily Pentecostal family? And what brand of top-shelf vodka best drowns out the drone of your in-laws and the shrieks of your cousins' children?
Rocks Off has your answers: 1. Yes; 2. Of course; 3. Trick question; use scotch. But that's only because we want to address a bigger issue. Musically speaking, the holiday season sucks. It's six weeks of the same carols you grew weary of 20 years ago and "Father Christmas" by the Kinks. People wonder why so many people kill themselves in the month of December - it's because they can't handle "O Come All Ye Faithful" one more goddamned time.
But if you're like us, you can't deny your baser urges. Our desire to hear the nasty stuff doesn't just go away between Thanksgiving and New Year's. What are the options for discerning listeners who want to reconcile their love of sleazy music with the holidays? Allow us to offer the following suggestions.
Nancy White, "It's So Chic to Be Pregnant at Christmas"
Winter's the best time of year to be with child, especially in the South, since you don't have to worry about collapsing from heat exhaustion as you walk from the car to the front door. Those bulky sweaters, on the other hand, might just lead others to mistakenly assume you've been enjoying a few too many Whitman's samplers.
Duke Tumatoe, "It's Christmas, Let's Have Sex"
This is one way to "be of good cheer." Those old fold-out sofas tend to squeak, though.
Tiny Tim, "Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS This Year"
This was pretty big medical news when it came out: for the first time, transmission of HIV between humans and jolly old elves was confirmed, leading to a widespread "safe sex" campaign in the Arboreal Realms and a necessary renaming of the virus itself.
List continues on the next page.