Katy Perry's "Roar" Is a Pretty Terrible Song

Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning Houston writer and alll-around goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.

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History: Katy Perry was born in 1984, except back then people called her "Katy Hudson" because that's her real name. In 2001, she was like, "You know what? I'm gonna release a Christian album," so that's what she did. It flopped.

Then she was like, "You know what? God can't take me to the top, bro, but I know what can," and so she changed her name to Katy Perry and swapped out our Lord and Savior for a bra that squirts out whipped cream. She's since sold approximately 10 million albums.

"Roar" comes from her new album, Prism. It's not that great, but since she's not talking about Jesus Christ it was able to top the charts. Pretty cool world. Here's why it sucks.

Atmospherics: It sounds like Katy Perry heard "Brave" by Sara Bareilles and really, really liked it a lot and so she tried to make it herself.

It's not unlike the time one of my sons watched a video of a crocodile eating a deer and was like, "OH FUCK, DADDY! I WANNA BE A CROCODILE!" And so he ran upstairs and two minutes later screamed for me to come and when I got there he was standing all the way naked except for the plastic bag that he had hanging betwixt his butt cheeks.

"I'M A CROCODILE," he shouted. "DO YOU SEE MY TAIL?" He wasn't a crocodile and that wasn't a tail. He was a jackass with a Kroger bag wedged into his tiny butt.

"Roar" is basically that: a plastic bag wedged into Katy Perry's butt. That's a little thing called a perfect metaphor.


Analysis: The song is about standing up for yourself, which I guess is fine enough. But three pretty dark and nasty things get revealed about her in the video:

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1. Katy Perry is ungrateful
She and a handsome man are in the jungle following a plane crash. The handsome man is boldly leading Katy Perry through the jungle, attempting to find rescue. Katy Perry is for some reason not feeling him. So she begins to sing about never arguing or causing any sort of fuss in the relationship.

That's when a tiger springs out and eats the handsome man, Katy Perry is barely shaken at all. As she more or less sings: "HAHAHAHAHA. In your face, bitch. Oh, by the way, I'm standing up for myself now! Because you're dead. Because that tiger just ate you."

Lady bros, just a quick tip: If your boyfriend/fiance/husband is doing something you don't like -- watching a dumb TV show or not putting his dirty dishes away or whatever -- you don't have to feed him to an animal. Just be like, "Yo, homie. Can you not do that please?" He'll be like, "Alright, cool." Boom. Relationship fixed, and nobody dies.


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2. Katy Perry isn't that great at hunting
Katy Perry makes friends with a monkey. The monkey's like, "Yo, why don't you use your heel to make a spear," which is pretty goddamn smart, really. She's like, "Good idea." She makes the spear and the monkey is like, "Fuckin' a, bro. We're eating good tonight." Then Katy Perry goes hunting...


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She throws the spear into the jungle. And it's truly impressive. Except do you know what she catches with her spear? A banana. A FUCKING BANANA. She's like, "Bam! Here you go, monkey," very proud and whatnot.


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And the monkey is like, "Did you seriously just make a spear and then throw it at a banana, dummy? Because you know you can just walk over and grab them, right? Like, bananas don't run away."


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Monkeys have their shit together, bro. They don't need you wasting their time spearing bananas.


And the third dark and nasty thing revealed about Katy Perry in the video is....


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32 comments
Nataliaforever
Nataliaforever

Funny but mean very mean and not even good.  Katy Perry is an amazing singer and has more talent this the asshole dumbshit who wrote this article, and anyone who agrees with the writer.  Only because the people who wrote/agree with him/her are redneck or just wouldnt know talent if it hit them in the face.    

Ryan Cope
Ryan Cope

I fucking love that article. It was entertaining, as was the point. If you think for 2 seconds that primitive pop culture vernacular doesn't currently circulate amongst your Rice cakes and drunken Cougs out there, think again. Stop being a dialogue curmudgeon, 'cuz (

delrvich
delrvich

I stopped reading at "award-winning Houston writer and alll-around goofball". She's got millions and this bozo is critiquing her?

delrvich
delrvich

I stopped reading at "award-winning Houston writer and alll-around goofball". She's got millions and this bozo is nitpicking.

Victor Del Rio
Victor Del Rio

I stopped reading at "award-winning Houston writer and alll-around goofball". She's got millions and this bozo is critiquing her?

Greg Johnson
Greg Johnson

You've posted this a few times now but the quality of the review and the song itself are still just as bad as ever.

Michael Perkins
Michael Perkins

I watched this video. My thought the whole time was: "African Child."

Liz Marie
Liz Marie

And I've never purchased/downloaded a Katy Perry song, just lame writing/review. Besides that's your writers "opinion" despite that the article is suited for a 12 year old.

Liz Marie
Liz Marie

Sounds like the person who wrote that was pretty high. "Yo bro" really are you aiming your articles towards stoners? Who gives that much stupid analysis on a Katy Perry music video. WOW!

Tony Gutierrez
Tony Gutierrez

I can't help it...she can write some catchy songs. Not that I would go out and buy her stuff mind you.

Lydia Reyes
Lydia Reyes

what's terrible is this article, boring. #TEAMKATY

Amanda Musquiz
Amanda Musquiz

haha right? They're all similar! And Destiny's Child made their entire career about being strong independent women. I've tried listening to the Brave song a few times to see where the similarities are and I just do not get it. This song isn't that bad.

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

Two pages? I only read one and I'm ready to get back to work.

Sarah Wiggins-Goff
Sarah Wiggins-Goff

katy hudson probably changed her name to katy perry and changed her music style for one of two reasons: the first possibility being that she, like a lot of kids, grew up and started to get out of the house, and her belief system changed, so she went the polar opposite direction. the second possible reason for her changing her music is that christian music sucks. even christians that i know think that christian music sucks. as far as her music now goes, just take it for what it is. the video is stupid--whatever, most music videos these days are lame. the song is pretty darn good for pop music though. i did not listen to the sara bareilles song because it's irrelevant whether or not any two pop songs are similar, because they all are. that's not even a faux-pas anymore. pop music is inherently similar. especially uplifting girl pop anthems about being tigers and such. what, so there can only be one song from a female about being brave/standing up for yourself? whatever.

Inkcapacitated
Inkcapacitated

This guy brings discredit to any publication that would put him in print, online or off. 

It would be inane to ask him to perform a better song or produce a better video, but he could stand to be a better person and writer. 

lolwut
lolwut

I've not ever been a fan of Katy Perry, I just enjoyed this song but never knew it was her who made it. 

I don't understand how you could harbor this much hostility for someone who probably doesn't even know you exist. Chill your tits, you sound like a jealous tramp that wants to be able to suck as much dick as Perry to calm down.

Either that or you're llorting quite unamusingly. 

music
music

You are really ignorant and shouldn't write articles to review something if you don't know what you're talking about 

Nataliaforever
Nataliaforever

SO who ever wrote this can go back in the ugly hole that they came from


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