10 Texas Acts We Totally Want to Smell Like
Last week, pop goddess Katy Perry unveiled her brand-new perfume, Killer Queen -- a fruity, intoxicating scent named after some old Beatles song or something. The fragrance's official Web site claims it features top notes of dark plum, wild berries and bergamot with subtle hints of cashmeron, natural patchouli heart and liquid praline.
"We kissed a girl, and we liked it."
Liquid praline? Yes, correct: liquid fucking praline. If you've been dying to smell like the checkout counter of a small-town Mexican restaurant, go out and buy yourself a bottle of Killer Queen right away. And hey, there's no need to stop there! This is Katy's third official fragrance. Not too sure what the others smell like, but if I had to guess? Latex, baby powder and hairspray. And flowers! Sort of like a bouquet of roses arranged on the sink of the men's bathroom at Numbers.
Picking on Katy Perry and her burgeoning perfume empire sure is fun (and easy!), but she's hardly a trendsetter in the industry. A quick perusal of the fragrance aisle at Walgreen's turns up dozens of musician-inspired scents. And hey, that's awesome -- who wouldn't want to dab a bit of Christina Aguilera or Justin Bieber behind their ears? The only troubling thing is that there's a dearth of fragrances inspired by the icons of Texas music. That needs to change.
To be sure, Beyonce and Jessica Simpson are representing pretty hard with multiple offerings each. But that's barely scratching the surface. Given our intimate and comprehensive familiarity with our state's homegrown superstars, we here at Rocks Off are in a unique position to offer a few suggestions to the perfume companies' scent-mongers. So here they are: the ten Texas stars we'd most enjoy smelling like.
10. WILLIE NELSON'S ORGANIC STARDUST
Top Notes: Yellow roses, sweaty bandana, biodiesel
Subtle Notes: Green chile, campfire, Cannabis Indica
Can your personal style can be summed up as "pleasantly stoned farmer?" Then, boy, have we got a fragrance for you! Willie Nelson is a Texas treasure held in only slightly lesser regard than the Alamo, and as long as we keep the ingredients locally sourced and organic, it's not hard to imagine the Red-Headed Stranger signing on to promote this hard-bitten, soft-hearted scent. Especially if it can also fuel a tour bus.
9. KELLY CLARKSON'S IDOLATRY
Top Notes: Bluebonnets, pleather, Vaseline
Subtle Notes: Heartbreak, independence, Simon Cowell
Hey, not everybody can look like Katy Perry. Can you imagine if everyone did? Jesus, no work would ever get done! We'd all be too busy trying on skintight clothes, dating fellow celebrities and singing sort of okay, mostly. That's why it's nice to have Kelly Clarkson around to remind us that you can be a supremely talented and beloved pop idol even if you're cute but a little thicker than you'd prefer in the upper-arm region.
Because Kelly's always been a woman of the people, we suggest putting the final scent up for a vote. Text "VOTE" to 6842 to cast your vote for honeyed sandalwood, or text "VOTE" to 8468 if you want to see tulips and ocean breeze make the next round!
8. TED NUGENT'S SPIRIT OF THE KILL
Top Notes: Gun smoke, motor oil, bald eagle tears
Subtle Notes: Barbecue sauce, shat drawers
Tea Party Ted may have spent most of his life as the Motor City Madman, but these days there's no place he'd rather reside than the Lone Star State. It's possible that no one else would have him, sure, but how many of us could say the same?
Any scent bearing the Nuge's name would have to be strong, wild and free from outside contaminants. To get that active, outdoorsy smell just right, we recommend a dash of human feces in tribute to Ted's pants-shitting success in avoiding the Vietnam draft back in the day. It'll be the perfect gift for the pissed-off, middle-aged white guy on your Christmas (never X-mas!!) list.
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