The Royal Baby: Parenting Advice From 10 Top UK Musicians

Categories: Pop Life

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge at their Royal Wedding.
As it stands today, the world waits with bated breath for the birth of the royal baby, the offspring of Prince William and Kate Middleton. To be honest with you, I don't know much about the royal family. They exist completely in the periphery for me. However, I do know all about parenting, and I thought that now would be a good time to share some of my hard earned knowledge with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.

Of course, I don't have any children myself, nor have I ever spent any significant time around a child. Actually, they sort of scare me, with their big heads and bug eyes. However, I have internalized the lyrical wisdom of a thousand British scholars by way of pop and rock musicians.

Seeing how that's the best education one could possibly have to prepare for raising a kid, I think I'm more than qualified to impart these lyrics and advice to the royal family.

10. The Smiths, "Barbarism Begins at Home"
Key Lyrics: "Unruly boys who will not grow up must be taken in hand
Unruly girls who will not settle down, they must be taken in hand
A crack on the head is what you get for not asking
And a crack on the head is what you get for asking"

Leave it to that old right-winger Morrissey to advocate something we here in America view as awful and antiquated as corporal punishment. Nevertheless, sometimes you just have to give a kid a crack on the head when they won't settle down or grow up. This one's really more of a lesson for Kate and William, but I think the royal baby will get the idea pretty quickly too.

9. Genesis, "I Can't Dance"
Key Lyrics: "I can't dance, I can't talk
Only thing about me is the way I walk
I can't dance, I can't sing
I'm just standing here selling everything"

The idea here is that some people are just naturally talented, and others are not. Given the royal genes this kid is inheriting, its only talent is probably going to be looking good and waving to the public. Kate and William need to teach it how to walk and strut its stuff for the general populace. These extravagant trips and public appearances aren't going to arrange themselves, after all.

8. Black Sabbath, "A National Acrobat"
Key Lyrics: "When little worlds collide
I'm trapped inside my embryonic cell
And flashing memories are cast into the never-ending well"

This one is a bit tricky, so follow me on it. This line is being sung from the perspective of a baby, who can see and hear all but is trapped inside the womb like a prison. That's pretty metal.

More importantly, that baby is committing all the evil outside the womb to memory and it's going to come out all sorts of fucked up if it's exposed to the wrong stuff. The point is, keep Kate away from evil things, like, you know, Black Sabbath.

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