Music's Top 12 "Boner-Killers"

Categories: WTF Island

Adele-0711.JPG
The writers at Rocks Off are huge fans of boners, and we look for every excuse we can to write about them. We love terms like trouser snake and meat thermometer, and we're not afraid to say so, because boners are awesome. Even with half of the writers of this list sporting only X chromosomes, we'll still raise our boner-flags high and proclaim our love for all things stiff.

It's for that reason, and that reason alone, that we're bringing you this list on the top musical boner killers. We want to protect the boner, not kill it. And oh, how easily some mood music can kill it. So light the candles, throw on some tunes, and get to work, son. Just don't use any of these songs as your soundtrack, or it's all downhill boner from there. ANGELICA LEICHT


Adele, "Someone Like You"
Look, I like Adele as much as the next guy. More, even. Her voice is great, and I enjoy most of her songs. Hell, I still listen to the much-lauded 21 regularly. But "Someone Like You" is just plain creepy.

I'm not sure if it's because no one was paying attention to the lyrics, but I'm still shocked at the song's popularity. Whenever I hear it, stalker ex-girlfriends come to mind, and I can't help but shudder. Undoubtedly a boner-killer. MATTHEW KEEVER


Bryan Adams, "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)"
A friend of mine has this on her summer playlist, the one she intends to share with people. I'm trying as hard as I can to stop her. Just... what the fuck are you thinking, Cheryl. [Note: "Cheryl" is not her real name.] JOHN SEABORN GRAY


Crazy Town, "Butterfly"
I have what some might classify as an unnatural hatred for this song. On a logical level I understand why it was a hit, but the emotional part of me just can't comprehend. Everything about it is terrible, including that awful music video.

When it comes on, it's like being reminded of an ex you'd rather not think of, except this ex is a period of time where people where dumb enough to let this band get popular, and thinking of your ex is a total boner killer. CORY GARCIA


Death Cab For Cutie, "I Will Follow You Into the Dark"
I personally love Death Cab For Cutie and Ben Gibbard, but I can't imagine things getting hot and heavy after this track comes on. It's a sweet song, and the sentiment isn't lost on me. In fact, it never fails to remind me of my parents, who have been married for 26 years. If that's not an instant boner killer, then I don't know what is. ALYSSA DUPREE


Jagged Edge, "Let's Get Married"
I never understood why this song was even made. When I'm up in da club, the last thing I want to dance to is a song that says, "We ain't getting no younger, we might as well do it." First of all, that line is extremely sad and pathetic.

Secondly, who wants to grind to the lyrics, "Meet me at the altar in your white dress?" Gross. This song actually makes me NOT want to dance. OR get married. SELENA DIERINGER


Joan Osborne, "One Of Us"
I have no idea why this track would be on the "Intercourse, Of Course" playlist, but Joan Osborne's 1995 hit "One of Us" sounds like a bad idea for sexytime. The song imagines God being like us and doing everything we do, including the illegal-in-four-states activities you may be participating in with your love interest/one-night-stand/unwitting victim.

Are you prepared to envision the deity of your choice going "Fifty Shades Darker"? Or taking the walk of shame back to the Halls of Glory? Please people, do all you can to maintain the separation of church and state of arousal. JESSE SENDEJAS JR.


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6 comments
Jana Trovato
Jana Trovato

Wow. Hahahahaha although I must agree mostly ;)

Robert Medlin
Robert Medlin

Probably anything with a banjo. *obvious Deliverance reference not withstanding *

Sarah Hirsch
Sarah Hirsch

I guess that one is also acceptable... :)

Robert Medlin
Robert Medlin

Piano Man, Unchained Melody, How Bizarre, Mambo #5, any Celine Dion...

Sarah Hirsch
Sarah Hirsch

The only time I want to hear anybody talking about "making love," it needs to be either Etta James or Bad Company. That is all.

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