Get Over It: Five Rocker Muses Who Totally Suck

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Photo by Jason Wolter
Sting, we need to have a talk about this Roxanne.
We've all been there: with a crush so big and bad that it completely muddies your ability to think clearly and infects your brain like an earwig, in love with someone who realistically is kind of a crapbag, pining after someone who, plainly, just sucks. We all know that this thick veil of fantasy can be very difficult to lift. The worst is watching a friend go through this.

How can one compassionately shake the sense into someone? How can you sensitively tell a friend, "Dude, she sucks, get over it?" Sometimes the truth hurts, but we need to hear it. Look guys, it's time to hang it up on these girls and move on. There are plenty other rock chicks in the rock sea. These girls SUCK.


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5. Beth from "Beth," KISS
Beth is a spineless a-hole. You call her and say it will be a few hours, and it turns into the whole night, and all she does is mutter some crap about feeling alone? Beth isn't really going to stand up for herself. At first you might think, "Sweet! I can walk all over Beth, and it's cool!"

But let me tell you what is going to happen: While you and the boys are finding the sound, Beth is finding someone else to sleep with. Beth is sooooo cheating on you, KISS. Time to find a girl with a little backbone.

Besides, you don't even really dig Beth, KISS. If you did, you'd go home. Instead, you and your adult male friends are playing with makeup. Looks like you've got a lot to think about, KISS.


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4. Sharona from "My Sharona," The Knack
Sharona is a real tease. I'm not saying girls ever have an obligation to "give it up," because, well, that is insane and irresponsible. What I am saying is that you should never have to beg anyone to do anything as much as you are trying to beg Sharona to give you a piece.

It not only degrades her, but it really degrades you, The Knack. She is obviously getting some sweet satisfaction out of stringing you along. This is clearly just a game in your mind, The Knack. Also, just how old is she? You might enjoy the touch of the "younger kind," but that can get you into some real trouble. Before you beg the next one, better ask for some ID.


3. Roxanne from "Roxanne," The Police
Listen, The Police. Talk to my friends in The Knack and ask them what I said about begging. Let me make this clear: you are begging a girl to stop hooking. This is not something any self-respecting person should ever have to do.

Look, I'm sure Roxanne is very attractive and likely highly skilled in the ways of lovemaking, given all the on-the-job training. But really? I'm sure you can find a girl who is just as skanky behind closed doors that doesn't get paid for it.

And also, The Police, where are you going to take her out even if you get the chance? It sounds like she has poor fashion sense and wears really whorey makeup. Can you bring her home to meet the parents like that? Unless they really love Kelly Bundy, they aren't gonna go for it.



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10 comments
_sid.
_sid.

What is with all the negative music articles lately.

carson221
carson221

Great humor, Selena. Thanks for the midweek laugh!

Don_Robey
Don_Robey

I thought a muse was a goddess who inspired an artist. Don't see either in this article... 

JKSweets
JKSweets

Rosanna - Toto
Uptown Girl - Billy Joel
Billy Jean - Michael Jackson
Hot for Teacher - Van Halen (topical!)
Candy Girl - New Edition

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

"We've all been there: with a crush so big and bad that it completely muddies your ability to think clearly and infects your brain like an earwig, in love with someone who realistically is kind of a crapbag, pining after someone who, plainly, just sucks. We all know that this thick veil of fantasy can be very difficult to lift."

You tell us who did this to you, Sis and we'll all go beat his AZZ. Good stuff, Ms. Dieringer.

roperez
roperez

@forsidney They're not being negative about the musicians or even the music.  They're just poking fun of fictional characters.  

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