A Proclamation and a Playlist: I Hate Grocery Shopping

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Photo by BPhotography_
Welcome to my nightmare.
The list of things I'd prefer to do instead of grocery shopping is long and ends with stuff like "moonwalk naked over hot coals" and "chew pink fiberglass-flavored Bubblicious."

My son, the social conscience of our family, never fails to remind how lucky I am to be beleaguered by "first-world problems" like choosing between 40 different kinds of cereals when people everywhere else in the world can't even find a cold bowl of rice. But, dammit, I don't care -- I still hate doing the grocery shopping.

Deserving of her own wing in the Wife Hall of Fame, my better half usually takes on this obligation; but, occasionally, my guilt gets the better of me and I'll give her a break. Like the Astros' bullpen, my relief work is shoddy and I end up being benched for awhile. Seriously, who confuses parsley for cilantro?

To make it all more bearable, I wear earbuds and the iPod while I'm snaking my way through the market, which might be part of my problem. Stuff on the list never makes it to the basket. My math gets discombobulated when I'm paying more attention to the music than my budget.

Plus, some songs on my playlist probably just aren't right for the job. Songs like:

"Five Finger Discount," Choking Victim
In which Stza, Ezra and the Crack Rock Steady crew walk into the store and see 15 aisles of "pretty, pretty packages staring back at me... to remove... and stick it in my pants."

A few years ago, supermarket trade magazine Progressive Grocer drew shoplifting statistics from 27 major grocery companies. They found that in a single year those companies apprehended 750,000 shoplifters. That's three-quarters of a million Americans attempting to steal from grocery stores in a 12-month period, and those were just the amateurs who got caught.

A 2012 ABC News story suggested cigarettes, pain relievers and baby formula are among the most lifted items. Yes, baby formula. Apparently, there's a black market for Infamil and Similac, which are stolen from stores and later sold on the cheap at flea markets and nefarious mom-and-pop convenience stores.

I don't condone shoplifting,... but when Choking Victim yells "Five Finger Discount!" mid-song, it's so punk rock it does kind of make you want to smuggle a Snickers bar in your buttcrack, I think.


"Free Bird," Lynyrd Skynyrd
Presumably, you are going to the grocery store for more than beer, smokes and condoms. You could just stop at the Valero for those things.

As such, you have a list. If you're listening to "Free Bird" when you start your shopping trip and it's done before you've made it to the registers, your list is too long.

This is the song DJs used to throw on the radio when they needed to go burn one down or have a mid-shift burger. It built its rep on being the go-to song for gobbling up time. Not a good choice for your grocery excursion listening.


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