10 Ways Amanda Bynes Is Already a Rap Star

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So apparently there's been a legit hip-hop record deal offered to Amanda Bynes. By all accounts it isn't a joke, which is utterly mind-blowing. The guy responsible for this offer, Daniel Herman of Chinga Chang Records, has spoken out, claiming to have cleared the way with both Sony Entertainment and The Orchard to feed into this fuckery.

I am probably alone in my admiration of Ms. Bynes, but I totally thought she was cute on All That back in the day. However, I'm confused as to why any legitimate outlet would offer her a rap contract. She's had a rough time the past few months, with scandal after media scandal hanging above her head, and even if she's punking the shit out of us, it's gotten to the point of well past weird. I can't wrap my mind about any record offer being anything other than a publicity stunt.

However, given that this guy swears on his cat, dog and mother that he's serious business, I have to take him at his word and try to find a light at the end of this strange Amanda Bynes rapping tunnel.

If this record ever sees the light of day, I'd put my money on it being a sign of the musical apocalypse, so you might want to start insuring your MP3s now. Y'know, for when that album drops and the charts explode into a million pieces because they've given up on life.

Whatever the case may be, it appears from her recent behavior that Ms. Bynes is, at the very least, trying hella hard to channel her inner rapper. And I, of course, have put those ways into a listicle to ease your mind about the idea of her rapping. It's just flat-out unnerving to picture.

Anyhow, here's my list of the Ten Ways Amanda Bynes Is Already a Rap Star. Read it. It'll make you feel better when the only albums that haven't spontaneously combusted in protest were recorded by fools like Paris Hilton.


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10. She's already mastered the art of the Twitter rant.
Following in the ways of her rapper forefathers, Ms. Bynes has already figured out the correct way to bust out a Twitter rant with the quickness. She's taken a page from the the likes of Azalea Banks and rant-godfather Kanye West who have also used Twitter as a sounding board for their inane bitch-fests.


9. With the sheer amount of insults slung at other celebrities, her Twitter is a virtual diss track itself.
I mean, how many times can little ol' Amanda call someone ugly while reminding them of her infinitely superior looks? She's called damn near every tabloid employee ugly, she's told model Chrissy Teagan how horribly ugly she is, and she's resorted to comparing her father to RuPaul, who is apparently also ugly (or fabulous, if you ask me). G'head on with your bad, non-ugly self, girl... I guess?


8. She's already rockin' a "fuck the police" mentality.
Her N.W.A.-like attitude started well before she became a New York transplant; while still in California, Amanda was constantly making headlines for hit-and-run accidents and driving on a suspended license.

More recently she's accused the NYPD of slapping her vagina, which is confusing as hell to me, and also of lying when they claimed she she a bong out the window. She originally said that the bong-like object was just a vase, but in court denied the existence of any object going out the window. Whatever the bong-case may be, Amanda has made it clear that she straight does not give one blue fuck about what the police have to say.


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7 comments
Jeff Hill
Jeff Hill

Man, what happened to that girl? She used to be so cute.

Thenonymous
Thenonymous

I am honestly unfamiliar with any of Ms. Bynes work outside of her recent, tedious, "Pay attention to me! Please, Somebody!! Anybody!!! Look at me!!!" behavior.

I've got a question based on her photos. Is she missing a chromosome or something?

Ed Truitt
Ed Truitt

Oh Lord I hope not. Also, let's just skip the sex tape part, 'k?

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