The 10 Least Subtle Song Titles of All Time

Categories: Whatever

Now I was a singer in a band, and that band wrote a song called "You Cannot Kill David Arquette." We wrote a lot of other songs, too, and most of them had more esoteric and poetic titles. Still, that's the one I like the best because it's just as bald as you can be. Here's David Arquette, and you can't kill him because he's like a ninja/X-Men/member of the Fellowship of the Ring.

I can't really stress how much brain damage I've incurred over the years but it's a lot.

Don't get me wrong, I love a good song title that makes you ponder every possible double meaning and entendre within a web of lyrics, but sometimes it's fun to just take the pants off the things and let the wang of musical triumph just dangle with pride. Today we salute the floppy cock of blunt statements.

Taylor Swift, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"
For a girl that's made her bones with good love songs followed by good break-up songs, it seems like Ms. Swift just decided to go with something that sounded more like the preamble to a restraining order. You've got to wonder what the hell was the final push that sent her from high school notebook poems to this?

Crime in Stereo, "Long Song Titles Aren't Cool Anymore Because the Rest of You Fuckers Are No Good at It"
Amen, brothers. There are very few bands that can pull of ridiculously long song titles, and you're the only one that can pen it to a song that's only 30 seconds long.

Insane Clown Posse, "I Stab People" and "Still Stabbin'"
There were plenty of ICP tunes to choose from for this article, but I love how at some point they looked at each other and remarked, "I don't think 'I Stab People' said all that needed to be said on the subject" and penned a freakin' sequel. The combination of the two songs earns the clowns a place.

Morrissey, "We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful"
When it comes to song titles of ridiculous length Morrissey is one of the great masters. Even so, usually he sprinkles Morrissey dust on them to make them magical little e e cummings-ish pop tune titles. Not this time. This time it's a bitch slap to haters and you have to love that. Mad Morrissey is the best Morrissey. On the other side of the coin...

Cop Shoot Cop, "Everybody Loves You When You're Dead"
I have a feeling that if we could all somehow watch our own funerals they would end in an ectoplasmic orgy of chair hurling and spectral cries of, "BULLSHIT!" You should speak no ill of the dead, but you should also never co-opt a person's death to make it all about you. Cop Shoot Cop nailed that sort of thing perfectly in this track, and the title leaves no ambiguity.

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"She Took A Lot of Pills [and Died]" - Robbie Fulks ("Fuck This Town" is too easy to pick)

MadMac topcommenter

You know, that "Fellowship of the Ring," thingy didn't work out so well for Boromir. The rest of this is funny stuff, Mr. F. 

JefWithOneF topcommenter

@MadMac 8 of 9 surviving is a good statistic. Plus, if you count Gandalf coming back to life it cancels out Boromir!

MadMac topcommenter

Hah! Hahahahahahahahahaha!

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