Way to Suck All the Fun Out of the Grammys, New CBS Dress Code
With CBS still smarting from its bungling of the Super Bowl XLVII blackout coverage and a (supposed) Beyonce halftime nip-slip, earlier this week the network's Program Practices wing released wardrobe guidelines for Grammy Awards attendees.
Back when the Grammys were cool.
With the awards show happening this coming Sunday evening, surely tons of artists had to go back to the drawing board to come into compliance with CBS' fears of a wardrobe malfunction.
The text of the CBS memo can be seen after the jump. The term "female breast nipples" takes the fun out of female breast nipples. Plus, NO UNDERBOOB OR SIDEBOOB. That's the best part of the Grammys. Hell, that was why we watched the Golden Globes, for all the sideboob.
What will gossip sites, unfunny Twitter comedians, and your gay friends have to talk about, if not cleavage, ass, and nip-slips from some of music's biggest stars? Are we supposed to get our rocks off on legs and bare backs? What is this, 1922 or something?
We quit, bro.
CBS Program Practices advises that all talent appearing on camera please adhere to Network policy concerning wardrobe.
*** Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare flesh under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic.
*** Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible "puffy" bare skin exposure. Please avoid commercial identification of actual brand name products on T-shirts. Foreign language on wardrobe will need to be cleared.
*** OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR BROADCAST. This as well, pertains to audience members that appear on camera. Finally, The Network requests that any organized cause visibly spelled out on talent's wardrobe be avoided. This would include lapel pins or any other form of accessory.
So this means that there will be no sideboob, underboob, nip-slips, sheer tops, ass cheeks, ass crack, crotch shots, curse words, "puffy" bare skin (vagina lips??), and no one can support their favorite causes, either.
And damn, don't even think about trying to skirt the rules by using a foreign language.
This means that the only people who will be at the Grammys this year will be like, the rock dudes, Adele and Carly Rae Jepsen. Everyone else will be too damned scared to even show up.
We're bummed because Miley Cyrus is usually one of the main sideboob offenders. And recently Taylor Swift has even been showing some skin. What gives, CBS? What will we right-click and save on Monday morning?
Who will enforce this, and how do we become Grammys hall monitors?
We don't care if we have to wear a weird Bobby Brady sash on the red carpet -- sign us up for that shit.