5 Music-Themed Petitions For the White House

3. Mr. President, Please Do Something About Those Sarah McLachlan Animal Cruelty PSAs
Freedom of speech is important. The marketplace of ideas suffers when we try and block the voices we find disagreeable. I mention this because I want everyone to know that I'm not saying we should ban these sad-sack animal cruelty PSAs that are ruining late-night TV.

That said, there's got to be something we can do to keep them off the airwaves. Maybe we can buy them off. Create a new government task force to fight animal cruelty and let them create PSAs.

The current ones don't have to go away, either. The punishment for animal cruelty should be having to watch them on an endless loop for the duration of your sentence.


2. Let's Create a Law That Mandates Transparent Ticket Pricing
While everyone has come to accept the fact that there will be some measure of price gouging in the majority of our ticket-buying purchases, that doesn't make it less annoying. You see a $25 ticket price and for a brief moment your heart flutters and you murmur, "What a deal," before remembering that after service charges, convenience fees, printing fees, and taxes, the final price is going to be north of that.

So if Ticketmaster and the like aren't going to lower fees, the least they could do is advertise these fees upfront, in specific itemized detail. Our $52 tickets will actually be $52 instead of $39 plus charges, and we'll know what those convenience fees really go toward.

1. A Call for the Founding of a National Hall of Music
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame would like you to believe that it exists to preserve rock history, but it actually exists for three other purposes: to make money, get people to visit Cleveland, and piss off music fans yearly when it announces the new inductees.

Every year people are either upset that their favorite band didn't make the cut or that the hall is deluding itself by letting in dance and hip hop acts.

Instead, let us forget all about the Rock Hall. Let Cleveland have its monument to the whims of Jann Wenner. Let us create a new place for music preservation in our nation's capital, where all genres of music are welcome and celebrated.

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Jimi Austin
Jimi Austin

End all over glorified karaoke shows like American Idol and get back to forming bands in garages, playing dive bars, and earning a record contract.


For them to find my ashes and clone me. Or one of those holograms thingies.

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