So This Is 5 Years of Listening to Sunny 99.1's Christmas?
I am starting to think all these songs have been compressed and edited to be shorter than usual. That, or I have just gotten used to long drawn-out bullshit on a regular basis, and not these sexy, built-for-speed holiday cuts. They feel like they go by within the blink of an eye. Just like the holidays. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Oh look, "Sleigh Ride" by Johnny Mathis, a man whose albums infest thrift-store LP bins like roaches in Montrose apartments. I kid.
"Christmas Canon" from Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Why doesn't the TSO make songs all year round, like for the Super Bowl and Easter?
Stevie Wonder sings about "Silver Bells," but how does he know they are silver? Aha.
"Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" by John Lennon is has gotten less happy and more depressing to me as the years go by. It must be Lennon's animated emoting.
And the award for Whitest Christmas Song Ever goes to "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings" by Barenaked Ladies and Sarah McLachlan. Free puppies for all!
The station ID break just said that they are broadcasting from the North Pole. Man, I bet that was expensive to move everyone up north for a few months. Terrestrial radio has deeper pockets than we all thought. What a scam.
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" from John Mellencamp is nearly unintelligible. "Ehr sawr Mammar kerssing that Sanner Cawws" is more like it.
HOMESTRETCH. I am on my last five minutes.
Amy Grant is 52 years old? When did that happen? Oh, damn you, Vince Gill for marrying her and sucking the life out of her. She needs a pop renaissance.
My annual hour of holiday tunes ends fittingly with "Mary, Did You Know?" by Rascal Flatts. Rascal Fartts. Rascal Fatts. Rascal Crapps. Raggle Fraggle.
Is it January yet??
It can't end like this. It won't.
Here comes Burl Ives to close me out, old-fashioned way with "Holly Jolly Christmas."
Thank you, fat Christmas angel.