Gen. Petraeus: A Possible Glimpse at the Spymaster's iPod

Nuge the Stooge knows what CIA director needed.

Enough already about Gen. David Petraeus and his private harem ... err, his embedded biographer with the flashy wardrobe and bad vision. Petraeus is a patriot, a winner of wars, a brilliant strategerizer, a man dedicated to little beyond his own career. Now is that so bad?

What we really want to know -- and it's the same thing we've wanted to know about Bill Clinton, Shrub Bush, Colin Powell and Ann Coulter -- is what's in the damned man's I-Pod. Through Internet surveillance techniques that we would rather not reveal unless subpoenaed and water-boarded, we have obtained a glimpse at the most-played items on the general's device.

Stephen Stills, "Love the One You're With": Stills never went to war, but he understood what could happen to a man thousands of miles from home in a war zone. According to sources close to Petraeus, this was not the first time Ms. Broadwell had heard this tune. After two glasses of champagne, Petraeus was known to crank the volume on this one.

Oak Ridge Boys, "Trying To Love Two Women": "Is like a ball and chain." The Oak Ridge Boys spoke to Petraeus' heart, especially on those nights when he grew somewhat tired of Ms. Broadwell's constant career climbing and nagging him for secrets. He often thought wistfully how much simpler it had been just managing a war. Sort of like what his home life is like now.

Clarence Carter, "Dark End of the Street": For all his training, even the country's top spy couldn't figure out how to keep his peccadillo covered up. Or much else, apparently. I guess he didn't have Clarence Carter's number on his cell. The FBI is still unable to ascertain how the whitest man in the world came to have soul music on his iPod, but they're working night and day (often shirtless) to crack the code.

Ry Cooder, "Christmas Time This Year": Even generals occasionally have doubts about the efficacy of policies, especially when the policies came down from Shrub, Cheney, and Rumsfeld. His distress over the dead and wounded was probably an element in his succumbing to Broadwell's Mata Hari entrapment.

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