Set It To Blow: 5 Musical Bombs to Promote Internet-Jukebox Anarchy

Recently my Twitter buddy John Seaborn Gray wrote a blog for Rocks Off in which he gave the world five simple suggestions for how to use Internet jukeboxes more effectively. He makes a lot of good points and if you're good people you'll read it, digest it and put his rules in to practice.

I am not good people and I'm betting not all of you are either.

John was right: Internet jukeboxes are in fact proof that democracy doesn't work. But while John wants to build a more perfect union, I'm here to help you destroy the system.

The Internet jukebox is a bomb, and my $1 is the match that lights the fuse.

Even if all 4,656 of Rocks Off's Twitter followers took John's advice to heart, that still leaves us with roughly 2,145,000 people in the city who most likely won't be playing by the rules and will be clogging the air with their bad taste.

How can anyone tell me that I'm supposed to worry about making sure all of them have a good night out when they won't be extending the same courtesy my way?

Ever since Internet jukeboxes started popping up in local bars and bowling alleys I've made it my mission to find the best songs to play to ruin the nights of the nameless strangers that end up in the same location as me. Grab your quarters, flatten out your dollars, and get ready to let chaos reign with these five tracks sure to kill a good night in its tracks.

5. Kim Kardashian, "Jam (Turn It Up)"

Most people use "worst song ever" lists to complain about the bands they hate even though their songs are incredibly popular. While popularity doesn't equal talent the fact remains that taste is subjective and just because I hate fun. doesn't mean they're a bad band.

That's a fancy way of saying that "Jam" is my least favorite song ever and I don't think there are a lot of people lining up to tell me I'm wrong. It's the type of song that makes Don Johnson's "Heartbeat" look like fine art.

If you put this song on and people don't get mad evacuate the bar immediately. You've ended up in a bar with people lacking soul and no one wants to be anywhere like that.

Similar Choices: Paris Hilton put out an album once. A lot of the songs were terrible.


4. Filter, "Miss Blue"

Although I'm a fan of Title of Record, I acknowledge that a lot of people out there think Filter are pretty awful. This song won't change their mind; at 5:36 it's a song that goes on a bit too long with Richard Patrick feeling sorry for himself.

What makes it shine as a jukebox bomb is the fact that although the song ends at 5:36 the track actually lasts 19:49. Once that song ends you get 13 minutes of sweet silence where no one gets to hear the song they want. No radio hits, no ironic choices, just 13 minutes of people murmuring about why there isn't any music.

As a bonus you get a minute of studio chatter and out of context screaming at the very end of the track to remind people that sometimes they'd rather have the silence.

Similar Choices: "Mx" by Deftones has a pretty long gap before "Damone" starts.

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5 comments
JohnSeabornGray
JohnSeabornGray

I can't believe I missed this article when it first ran. Great job, man.

 

And yes, I have been party to this. On non-internet jukeboxes, to boot. A great many jukeboxes carry Creedence Clearwater Revival's Greatest Hits. On that album is their famous 11-minute version of "I Heard It Through the Grapevine."

 

People will love it the first time it plays. They'll become uneasy the second time it plays. The third time is when the shouting starts.

NathanSmith
NathanSmith

If an unplugging is the goal, I usually go with Meshuggah's "New Millenium Cyanide Christ." The only place I've been that didn't bat an eye at that one was Molly Pub in Kemah. God bless those drunks. 

 

More often, I like to use the Internet jukebox to force douchebags to be cool by inadvertently listening to the Stooges or something. It works sometimes. 

Smedley
Smedley

Aphex Twin's Ventolin. I played that in a pub down in Clear Lake one night years ago and walked outside to enjoy the chaos of it from afar. They unplugged the jukebox.

munocard
munocard

@hprocksoff You missed John Williams' Jurassic Park theme and The X-Files Theme on that list.

hprocksoff
hprocksoff

@munocard I knew a guy who would play a sweet, somber version of the JP theme on his parent's piano when we were stoned. #greattimes

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