Top 5 New Rules for Internet Jukeboxes
Used to be, you'd have to hit bar after bar until you found one with just the right jukebox, and then that was your own personal lair of alcohol consumption from then on. The people demanded more freedom of choice, however, so most bars have already switched over to Internet jukeboxes, where one can search vast online resources and download your song of choice on the spot.
If your bar hasn't already, it probably will soon. When used improperly, Internet jukeboxes are proof that democracy DOES NOT WORK. So don't just learn the rules for yourself: Learn them FOR AMERICA.
5. Don't Play the Same Shit They've Been Playing on the Radio for the Past 20 Years. The amount of music at your hands is, for all intents and purposes, infinite. The only limit is your imagination. So don't be the unimaginitive dingleberry who who cues up "Smells Like Teen Spirit" or "Jump" or "Dream On."
Now playing on a station near you.
If you want to hear those songs, turn on the radio for free and tune in to literally any rock station and they will be played within minutes. This is your chance to play something you haven't heard in a while, something that may take five or six seconds of creative thought. Don't hurt yourself.
4. Don't Play That One Song Everyone's Listening to Right Now. Remember Autumn of '04? Wasn't "Drop It Like It's Hot" a great song? Yes, it was! Everyone loved that song... but not so much when it cued up for the fifth time in an hour. Because guess what: you're not the only one playing music tonight.
If there's a song with huge buzz making the rounds all over social media and has turned into its own little cultural meme, don't be the guy who plays it for the umpteenth time and forces a driven-insane bartender to leap across the bar and stab the jukebox with a corkscrew. Someone else will play that song, probably several someone elses.
Have restraint. Be the better person.