Happy B'Day, Beyoncé: 10 Gift Ideas for Houston's Homegrown Megastar

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Photo by Daniel Kramer
B at Toyota Center in 2009
"What do you get for the woman who has everything?" That question must have been plaguing Sean Carter for the past weeks, at least. His lovely wife, Beyoncé Knowles-Carter, whom he so callously stole away from our fair city even though she is 100 percent too good for him, turns 31 today.

In the past, HOVA has gone big. In 2010, he bought her her very own private island off the coast of Florida for a cool $20 million. Well, good luck topping that shit, asshole. Where do you go from there -- her own archipelago?

Those of us who wipe our asses with regular toilet paper instead of platinum chains that we don't want anymore have to get a little more creative with our gift-giving than just picking out the most expensive thing we've ever heard of and sticking a bow on it. Because we realize you probably spent your Labor Day weekend too intoxicated to think, we've helpfully come up with a list of affordable presents that we think Beyoncé would enjoy.

Whatever you do, though, don't forget the card! Unless you're Jay-Z, in which case we hope you do forget the card, get into a fight about it, and get a divorce, you lucky son of a bitch.

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10. Yoga Pants

Beyoncé is a busy woman, balancing the demands of making regular public appearances with the responsibilities of being a new mother. The poor thing is probably changing clothes constantly to keep up. Luckily, the perfect garment for all occasions has arrived: The yoga pant. Combining the soft comfort of sweatpants with the curves-hugging splendor of leggings, yoga pants have made Lazy Sunday sexy at last. Every woman needs a pair or six.

Besides, Beyoncé's body is more or less perfect for yoga pants. Why worry about fitting into custom-made jeans to go pick up a latte when you can show off that bodacious booty just as well in an elastic waistband, instead? Take your time shedding that baby weight, Bey. Lycra is in!

9. Florence + The Machine's "Spectrum (Say My Name)"

Beyoncé told Billboard last year that one of the influences on her 4 album was Florence + The Machine, the awesome British pop/indie/ballad group set to rock The Woodlands later this month. We didn't quite hear it on record, which was a tad disappointing. But maybe all she needs is a double dose.

Luckily, Flo and the boys just released a new remix of their single "Spectrum" from last year's Ceremonials, remixed by DJ Calvin Harris. It's exactly the kind of soulful, uptempo club track that could inspire a whole new batch of tunes from Beyoncé. And shouldn't that be our goal with every gift -- to inspire?

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