You Won't Get Into Heaven Listening to Christian Dubstep

Driving home the other night, I thought I had come up with the perfect get-rich-quick scheme: Christian dubstep.

Roll your eyes if you'd like, but one thing I've noticed is that going to an EDM show is a lot like going to church: They both feature music, alcohol and standing on your feet for long periods of time. Plus DJs love to do the Jesus Christ Pose.

I was all set to grab some hymns and load up Fruity Loops, but I thought I'd check Google to make sure no one had beat me to the punch. Imagine my disappointment when I saw the album cover above.

But I was curious as well. Had they been able to successfully meld the power of dubstep with the power of Christ? I loaded up Spotify to check it out and file the following report.

"East to West" starts the album off, and for a moment you may be fooled into thinking that maybe this record won't be awful. It's an extremely basic song that mistakes making a lot of noise for being interesting.

This is the problem that plagues every track on the album.

Sure, your average Skrillex track may sound like a bunch of noises strung together haphazardly, but the reason he's been so successful is that he writes great pop songs that masquerade as chaos. The mistake bad producers make is thinking that people want to listen to noise and not pop music.

And so you get songs like "Take My Hand," in which sounds are jammed together one after another but, while being in the same key, don't actually work together harmonically. The producers may think that bass wobble plus robot squelch plus a melodic pebble drop would all sound great in rapid order, but they're mistaken.

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