Justin Bieber and the Secret War Against Music

Photo by Groovehouse.
Look at those faces looking at him. No one man should have all that power.

By now you're asking the obvious question: Why? With all the money he makes on a daily basis, with the adoration of millions worldwide, with the fame to walk in to any build in the world he wants, why would Justin "The Sound Conductor" Bieber need a doomsday device?

At first I thought that this was a conspiracy by a cabal of pop music's finest to overthrow the parents of the world. With the old folks out of the way, they'd be able to use their army of followers to install them, democratically, in to the highest places of power.

You laugh, but think about the different ways pop artists assault their audiences physically and mentally: Ke$ha fires upon the audience with glitter cannons in an effort to steal your sight; Katy Perry and her best friend Rihanna promote all forms of reckless and deviant sexual behavior; and I've witnessed first-hand how LMFAO encourages their audiences to drink past the point of reason.

But that's too obvious. Besides, we all know if there is a great pop music conspiracy Dr. Luke would be the one pulling the strings.

After much thought and study, I'm now ready to reveal the truth behind Bieber, his doomsday weapon, and the war against music.

I'm not sure why Canada hates music, but consider the following:

1. Drake is the nexus of the quiet war that is building between G.O.O.D. Music and YMCMB. But no war happens in a vacuum. and when things get real people will have to pick sides. And as the sides grow in strength and number, it all builds to the final showdown of Jay-Z and Lil Wayne going to battle on stations across the country, leaving only ruin behind them the way that Godzilla and Mothra do.

2. Nickelback is regularly listed as the worst thing to happen to rock music in roughly forever. People claim that their brand of boring, generic rock is creating even more boring, generic rock. And that's the point: they're trying to kill rock music from the inside.

They write boring, generic songs that become hits, other bands write boring, generic songs that become hits, and soon all rock is boring and generic and no one is buying the records. Rock music becomes just another piece of history, like ska and big bands.

3. Justin Bieber, as previously noted, has a doomsday device.

Of course it doesn't stop there. Why did Win Butler take Arcade Fire to Canada? Did someone clue him in to the impending apocalypse? I don't want to call the man a traitor, but who leaves The Woodlands for Canada?

I'm not even going to get in to the whole Godspeed You! Black Emperor might be terrorists thing, but I wonder what those cops in Oklahoma would have found if they had dug just a bit deeper.

So yes, Canadians hate music and are actively working to destroy it. The question is: How do we stop them?

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