Celine Dion Sued for Overtime Violations, Starts Apocalypse

Categories: The End Is Nigh

Even though Mason Lankford said, "There will come a day when we forget the Rapture ever even happened," Rocks Off is keeping an eye out for signs of our impending Armageddon. We were wrong last time, but we're totally right this time!

dionend1 Anirudh Koul.jpg
Anirudh Koul via Flickr
Megastar Celine Dion is involved in a minor lawsuit at the moment. Her former employee Keith Sturtevant is suing her, claiming that the singer did not pay him compensation for overtime. claims he was designated as an exempt "warehouse manager" by Dion and her husband Rene Angelil so that they could avoid paying overtime and worker's compensation insurance. He also claims that at least three other employees of Dion's have been denied rightful compensation.

Now, for the few of you who are still awake after that paragraph, you may be asking, "Who in the blue hell cares!?" You should, but this lawsuit against Dion is concrete proof that the end of the world is nigh. The answer lies in the Book of Revelation. Here's Johnny...

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And the fifth angel sounded, and I saw a star fall from heaven unto the earth: and to him was given the key of the bottomless pit.

-- Rev. 9:1

Celine is a variation on the name Celeste, which translates literally as "heavenly." Now, there are 57 direct references to Heaven in Revelation, and they can't all be about Dion. This one, though is just too spot on to ignore.

What's the one Dion song everyone knows? "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic of course. What is that song about? It's about living after losing the one you love. So when John says a star fell from Heaven into the void, he must mean the scene where the personification of the tune Rose drops poop Leo into the icy blackness of the cold north Atlantic.

The key to the bottomless pit is an obvious reference to Leo's character Jack and his proposed adventures in the mermaid kingdom in the rumored sequel. He holds the key to underwater human supremacy against the violent mermaid hordes that threaten the overworld.

Now, later in the chapter there's talk of tormenting non-believers for five months. Sturtevant says that he worked up to 60 hours a week from the time he was hired in March of 2009 until June of this year.

Five months is roughly 3,600 hours, and if you space out his alleged unpaid work for Dion over the 27 months her worked for her it comes very close to that exact amount of unpaid industry. "And their torment was as the torment of a scorpion, when he striketh a man," which sounds like a pretty good comparison to being forced to listen to too much Celine Dion.


Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand.

-- Rev 1:3



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Sqwackattack
Sqwackattack

This is the dumbest shit I've ever read.

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