Congrats, J: 10 Graduation Gift Ideas for Justin Bieber
Teen pop sensation Justin Bieber managed to graduate from high school recently, earning his diploma from St. Michael Catholic Secondary School in Stratford, Ontario, a school that was kind enough to offer him electronic courses uncontaminated by loathsome U.S. politics. Bieber moved to Atlanta with his mother five years ago to break into the music biz, a plan which appears to have gone fairly well for them to this point.
So, this happened.
We were a little embarrassed that we didn't attend the commencement; we've got bills to pay, as we're sure Mr. Bieber would understand. How do we know? Well, he didn't attend his own graduation ceremony, either. That gives us an opportunity to save face. Nothing says "Congrats, Grad!" like a thoughtfully chosen graduation gift, and we've got a few bright ideas on what Justin might like.
Since more than a few of our loyal readers probably neglected to get Selena's man anything as well, Rocks Off has helpfully compiled this handy list of gift ideas for the Bieb's big day. If you decide to get him one, just tell him it's from both of us.
The Bieb's baby-faced cuteness has been central to his appeal since day one, and as Jonathan Lipnicki could probably tell you today if anyone cared enough about him to find him and ask him, that shit don't last.
Now that J.B. is a high-school graduate, it's all downhill from here in the looks department. Luckily, this professional-quality waxing kit will help Justin keep himself looking young and hairless well into his 30s, prolonging his ride on the child-star money train for as long as possible before his first arrest.
Armpits, chest, whatever. Just... keep it above the waist, Biebs. The pubes are best left to professionals.
You're a man now, Justin. It's time to strap up. As Texans, we feel duty-bound to deliver a reliable weapon that you'll be able to enjoy for decades to come, remembering your momentous graduation every time you fire a round. We know they probably didn't offer any firearm safety courses at your Canadian high school, so be really careful with this gift, okay?
Since this will (probably) be Bieber's first handgun, we recommend a revolver for simplicity's sake. A .357 Magnum would be a fun place to start, and it shoots easy-to-find .38 special rounds for training. When he's ready, J.B. can bump it up to .357 ammo and blow the nuts off a moose from 100 yards away.
Justin's not in high school anymore -- it's time to slap that Bic out of his mouth. A man with a diploma deserves a writing instrument with a little more class, wouldn't you say? Luckily, there's a whole industry devoted to coming up with these nice, affordable monogrammed pen sets for graduates. Not for no reason, either: They really do make the perfect graduation gift.
Might we recommend rosewood ballpoints with brass hardware and "BELIEVE" laser-cut into the barrel? It'd be perfect for signing hundreds of contracts and autographs in comfort and style.