Justin Bieber's Believe: Dubstep, Dick Talk, Nicki Minaj & Exactly One Good Song

Categories: WTF Island

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I listened to the new Justin Bieber album, Believe, twice this afternoon so I could write this.

I am not looking for sympathy because I took it upon myself. I did this so you wouldn't have to, though if you are cool enough to read our blog, the thought of listening to Justin Bieber's Believe wasn't on your agenda today, tomorrow, or probably ever. Unless you have a tween daughters, and an iron stomach.

Here is a track by track breakdown. I will say this, he's got some female issues, and not the fun "too many girls, too little time!" kind. More of the "chicks are possessions" kind, that actually makes the album more offensive and immature than you would think.

"All Around the World": You know it's bad when I can listen to an album and imagine in my head what the stage set will look like, or the dancers hanging from trapezes and everyone wearing flags from all around the world as party gear. There may even be colored people onstage with Justin too. Oh good, Ludacris is here and he's calling him and JB the "dynamic duo".


"Boyfriend": How is "chilling by the fire eating fondue" not a meme yet? Plus, the message here is basically "DON'T FUCKING LEAVE BECAUSE I WILL BUY YOU SHIT. SWAG." I wanna believe that Justin has this secret side life as a member of Odd Future and he smokes weed and listens to Sonic Youth with Tyler, The Creator but pop music in 2012 is no fairy-tale world.


"As Long as You Love Me": As long as you love Justin, you guys can be starving and homeless. Digging the chicks as possession jazz here. Young girls need to know that they must depend on strapping lads like Justin to take their hands and wipe their asses.

Of course the king of respecting women, Big Sean, comes by for a few verses to say that he would rather work shit out with one girl than start with another. So stay in those dead-end relationships. It ALWAYS works out. The grass is green where you water it, sez Big Sean.


"Catching Feelings": Justin is starting to feel special things for a childhood friend, I assume chronicling how he hollered first at Selena Gomez. He's too young but he's catching feelings in his head.


"Take You": Yeah, take her Justin. Lay that pipe in the "senorita," you are an adult now. Ejaculate dubstep all over that "little lady" too. Enrique Iglesias is rolling in his grave.



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8 comments
Aaron
Aaron

exactly ima guy and ima belieber so idc what anyone says. justin is awesome. he has god given talent and no one can tell him different.

Aaron
Aaron

WOW UR JUST A HATER. JUSTIN BIEBER IS AWESOME. HE HAS A WHOLE LOT OF TALENT THAT WAS GIVEN TO HIM FROM ABOVE AND HE HAS GOD TO THANK FOR THAT. AND HE HAS FOUND LOVE SO NO HE ISNT TO YOUNG TO HAVE FEELINGS. HIS FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE ARE NOT IN HIS HEAD. HIS FEELINGS ARE REAL SO LAY OFF AND GO GET A LIFE OF YOUR OWN

Craig Hlavaty
Craig Hlavaty

 I know that, it's called being ridiculous, because writing about Justin Bieber is ridiculous.

george
george

do you mean julio iglesias is rolling in his grave? because enrique isnt dead

Geezy
Geezy

Sounds like you took one for the team here Craig. I'd say you are a better man than most. 

Craig Hlavaty
Craig Hlavaty

LOL. I have to do what he did to like this album better? This is a growing pains album. His skull isn't even solid yet.

Jessie
Jessie

srsly were you drunk or something? this album is good! it's amazing! do what he did, reach what he reached and then come back and talk shit like this again

Natalie Silva
Natalie Silva

I love Bieber! His music, not so much. I do like some of the catchy songs but only because they are hard to get out of my head. Or it's the Bieber Fever...

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