The 8 Most Bro-Tastic Bands of All Time

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"Hipster."

The word is older than you think: it pops up in an old Seinfeld episode where Jerry refers to Kramer as a "hipster doofus." It even predates that by many years. A few years ago, it was convenient shorthand to refer to someone who overcompensates, who tries too hard to be unique and interesting and winds up a caricature.

Common usage, unfortunately, has utterly ruined the word's usefulness; just as "emo" came to mean anything sad, "hipster" now refers to anyone with an even slightly artistic bent.

Wearing a concert shirt from last night's Death Cab For Cutie show? HIPSTER. Found a vintage pair of eyeglass frames that were unique and you thought suited you? HIPSTER. Get bored and draw on your shoes? HIPSTER. The word has lost all meaning and therefore all usefulness.

Well, there are two sides to that coin. There's another phenomenon, that of the broseph, a.k.a. dudebro or bro-dude, which is the polar opposite of the hipster.

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They're among the ones who helped ruin "hipster" by overusage without even realizing that there is an equally simplistic label which actually fits them to a T. You've seen dudebros all over town; they're immensely popular in Houston.

You know them by their preppie-frat-beach-rawk fashions, their polo shirts, their shorts and sandals, their university hoodies, and their backwards baseball caps, usually branded with the Houston Texans logo.

You've seen them getting way too drunk on weak light beer whenever they're out, holding loud mundane conversations mere feet from the stage at live shows or else shouting drunkenly at the performers, downing Jell-O shots and Jaeger bombs like it's the end of the world.

You've observed them clumsily hitting on your female friends no matter how uninterested they are, saying things that they don't even know are sexist or racist, recognizing people who go to their church while in the strip club, cursing liberals and feminists and homosexuals for the problems plaguing the nation while awaiting trial on their ninth DWI charge.

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When you ask a dudebro what kind of music he likes, he will usually say "everything." He doesn't literally mean everything; what he means is that he doesn't care. The dudebro loves pre-packaged, readily available music that doesn't challenge him or make him think.

Whatever's on the radio or playing in the club is just fine, and if they hear it enough, they'll eventually know how to sing along and boom, they've got a new favorite song without even knowing why they like it or how that came to be.

Simplistic mediocrity is key to becoming an earworm inside the broseph's mind, and here are several bands who excel at providing exactly that. To show that we're not completely unfair, we'll be including an anonymous dudebro's rebuttal with each critique.


Location Info

Map

Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion

2005 Lake Robbins Drive, The Woodlands, TX

Category: Music

Bayou Music Center

520 Texas Ave., Houston, TX

Category: Music

Toyota Center

1510 Polk, Houston, TX

Category: Music

Warehouse Live

813 St. Emanuel, Houston, TX

Category: Music


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17 comments
Kramer
Kramer

 You and your friends are not hipsters, you're douchbags!

John Seaborn Gray
John Seaborn Gray

You're getting very upset about this. Calm down. Thank you for backing off a bit, but I think you might have further to go, for your own good. See, in all of my ire against brosephs, I never trashed any specific broseph, whereas your accusations of hipsterdom are leveled against a specific person: me. You don't know shit about me, man, except that I wrote a goofy-ass article making fun of a few bands I hate. I've got other articles about bands I like, articles where I gush praise to the point of embarrassment, and not just on "hipster" acts (like that's even something that can be defined, Animal Collective aside). It's two sides of the same coin, just like I was saying about hipsters and brodudes. Yes, I'll meet you halfway and agree that hipster elitism is annoying. But the backlash has caused the pendulum to swing too far back into brodude-style Philistinism. Hence, to me, the brodudes are more ripe for a ribbing than the hipsters. Get what I'm saying? Settle down, buddy. You seem like a pretty smart dude and I don't want you swearing off coming back to these parts.

Atroposchord
Atroposchord

OK,  I crossed the line of harshness and turned into the pot calling the kettle black.  I take that last thing back.  I'm sure theres a market for what you do, clearly folks are reading it and I bet this article got a ton of hits.  Kudos.  

Atroposchord
Atroposchord

A)  Nice, well thought out and reasoned response.  With that sharp wit, you are gonna go places in these, here, media business.  B)  I don't even like the bands you listed, just showing you what a "hipster" is and why they draw so much ire.  C)  I didn't mentally turn you into some guy in a movie.   Your intellectually and emotionally transparent piece spells out who you are, complete with all the jealousy you clearly share for all the various Brahs that were having a good time and, presumably, getting ass, while you sulked like the under appreciated music scholar you felt you were.  As for a sense of humor, I'm willing to bet every time you see some piece about how hipsters are terrible, you die a little inside.  I just get irked anyone tries to act superior due to their differing tastes on something thats largely subjective.  Whether its LV chick picking on Walmart clothes chick, Film Noire guy picking on Transformers guy, or any other D-bag doing the same.  Lastly.....judging from what you've written, we actually have similar tastes in music.  So, don't think its the taste that I'm knocking on.  Just meet me half way and admit that hipster music elitism is annoying.  

John Seaborn Gray
John Seaborn Gray

Which shitty band did I point out was shitty and make you butthurt enough to mentally turn me into a guy you saw in this movie one time? Was it Dave Matthews Band? I bet it was Dave Matthews Band. All I did was list the most bro-tastic bands, brah. Had a little fun with it. If you can't get a laugh from that, it's possible you're taking shit too seriously. Also, I think all post-1985 bands sound like a shitty version of Tears For Fears, but I'm going to therapy for that.

Atroposchord
Atroposchord

Not "heard of", "heard".  I have a lot of hipster friends and the one truly annoying thing is  that they often assume to know what a band's entire catalog of sound is, having never heard them.  This is usually based off of just "having heard of them", or things said about them.  The truly ironic thing is, this annoys not only non-hipsters, but also the other hipsters.  Hipster 1 will talk about a band, and Hipster 2 will try to one-up him by judging said band without having heard them.  And so, in this vast effort to try to show superior knowledge of something, which he thinks finally gives him long lost access to elusive coolness, Hipster 2 alienates himself even from Hipster 1.  It's like the line in High Fidelity..."you're very elitist, you feel like under appreciated scholars, so you shit on everybody that knows less than you....thats so sad."  That one quote, captures your entire article and yourself.  And it's this desperate attempt at coolness, this misguided try-anything approach, that most defines what a hipster is.  Do I listen to a lot of "indie" music?  Yeah.  But I don't define myself from derision of other people's tastes?  No.  I can even appreciate music, even if I don't like the genre, so long as they show technique and precision.  If you want to know if you are a hipster, ask yourself this.....How often do you hear a new band and feel compelled to say "man, they sound like a shitty version of (insert name of band)".  

Atroposchord
Atroposchord

Somewhere this writer is telling someone that the band that they're talking about (who he has never heard) is not nearly as good as a band he used to love before that band sold out (found commercial success).  All while making sure not to spill any PBR on the skinny jeans he borrowed from his friend Linus.  

MadMac
MadMac

Yep, ketchup and ice cream over liver and onions.

Brian Cushing
Brian Cushing

Jerry Jeff Walker, The Notorious B.I.G., Steve Miller, GWAR, Cee Lo Green, Jimmy Buffet, The Killers – an eclectic mix, but all on Brah's itunes or spotify

Evan
Evan

Top 8 hipster bands? Belle and Sebastian, the Decembrists, and a bunch of people you haven't heard of? Now do a Battle Royale deathmatch between hipster bands and brobands!

Healthy Skeptic
Healthy Skeptic

If they drug tested lawyers, there'd be a lot of (or a lot more) unemployed lawyers.

John Seaborn Gray
John Seaborn Gray

 It has sadly remained as appropriate as it would have been back then, yes.

MadMac
MadMac

God, I feel like I'm back in summer classes at UH in '94. Easily 50% of the @ss clown kids from A&M and UT (gotta pass this class, brah or my dad says I gotta go here full time) sat dumb founded, asking pertinent questions like, "Do they got any teachers here that speak English?" or "What's up with all the A-rabs and black chicks--where's the white girls, brah?" They couldn't spell regressive tax but proposed ahead-of-the-curve policy like, "Fukit, brah, if they can't afford the doctor/medication, they can just die. I'm hardcore like that," while planning their trip to Woodstock, "cause it's gonna rawk this year, brah."   Now, they really, REALLY like Guy Fieri and Sandra Lee, (she's a hawt MILF, brah).

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p.s. Kings of Leon so belongs on this list

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