10 Evil Songs Now Warping Our Toddler's Mind

Categories: Whatever

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Velia Almazan
Playing drums is OK. Dating a drummer gets you grounded for a week.
When you have a kid, certain things are slow to change. For instance, in general you don't immediately throw away your death-metal albums and restock with Barney, because why would you? They don't know what they're listening to dozing in the car seat anyway . So you just go on listening to the same old songs with just a quick mental check to make sure there are no "fucks" involved that they may begin repeating later.

Well, we hope you really like the songs that you say you like, because we promise you there are selections on your playlist that your child will suddenly demand you listen to for the entire duration of the trip, and sometimes they make you wonder just how much damage you're doing to the kid.

The Beatles, "I Am the Walrus": The only one on the list we specifically tried to get the kid to listen to because we thought she would like it. Turned out she did, but the ensuing argument over saying "Koo Koo K'Choo" instead of "Goo Goo G'joob" makes you sound insane.

Will Screw Her Up By: Giving her severe pronoun-confusion issues thanks to the first verse.


Dolly Parton, "Jolene" Currently her favorite, and she knows all the words if you're not too fussy about consonants. Luckily, it's short... which actually means you just hear it more times.

Will Screw Her Up By: Using this song as the basis for her romantic relationships and giving her a paranoid view of other women as husband-stealing harpies.


Yusef Islam, "Roadsinger": She fell in love with this track nestled next to us watching the former Cat Stevens perform on The Colbert Report. Another one that she knows all the words too in a fuzzy, toddler way, though she always sounds a little sad when she sings it.

Will Screw Her Up By: Encouraging her to follow people into the desert in a search for meaning in life. We'd better leave Helter Skelter out where she can find it.


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